The Big Idea from Each Step

Choose What and If

• What: Ask yourself what you really want. You can talk about the content, the pattern, or the relationship. To stay focused, ask what you really want.

• If: Are you talking yourself out of a crucial confrontation? Don t let fear substitute for reason. Think carefully not just about the risks of having the confrontation but also about the risks of not having it.

Master My Stories

Instead of assuming the worst and then acting in ways that confirm your story, stop and tell the rest of the story. Ask: Why would a reasonable person not do what he or she promised ? What role might I have played ? When you see the other person as a human being rather than a villain, you re ready to begin.

Make it safe by starting with the facts and describing the gap between what was expected and what was observed . Tentatively share your story only after you ve shared your facts. End with a question to help diagnose.

After you ve paused to diagnose, listen for motivation and ability. Remember, you don t need power. In fact, power puts you at risk. Instead, make it motivating and make it easy. To do that, explore the six sources of influence. Remember to consider others and things as possible influences.

Remember who does what by when and then follow up. This idea is simple and serves as its own reminder. Then ask to make sure you re not leaving out any details or missing any possible barriers.

As other issues come up, don t meander; consciously choose whether to change the discussion to the new issue. Weigh the new problem. If it s more serious or time-sensitive, deal with it. If it is not, don t get sidetracked.

Let s see how all these steps apply to an extended example.