Appendix A: Where Do You Stand?--A Self-Assessment for Measuring Your Crucial Confrontation Skills

Where Do You Stand?

To measure your skill level and see how this book can best serve your needs, candidly review the following statements. Check Yes if they apply to you. Check No if they do not.

A self-scoring version of the following assessment is available at There you ll also find tools to assess how well your family, team, and organization handle crucial confrontations .

Choose What and If




1. To avoid getting into an argument, I tend to put off certain discussions longer than I should.

2. Sometimes when people disappoint or bother me, I confront them ”only to realize that I talked about the easy problem, but not the real root problem.

3. Parts of my life would improve if I could just figure out how to talk about certain hot topics without taking too much risk.

4. Occasionally I talk myself out of holding a certain discussion by convincing myself it s better to cope than it is to risk an ugly confrontation.

5. With some of the problems I care about the most, I find myself bringing up the same issue over and over again.

Master My Stories




6. When others do things that are mean or selfish and I m less than kind in return, I tell myself that they deserved it.

7. When others don t deliver on a promise, there are times when I judge their reasons for doing so more quickly than I should.

8. Sometimes I assume that others cause me problems on purpose, and then I act as if this assumption is actually true when it may be false.

9. Occasionally I wonder if I m too quick to anger.

10. There are times when I ve totally blamed others for a problem only to learn that I was partially responsible.

Describe the Gap




11. Sometimes I bring up problems in a way that makes others defensive.

12. Occasionally I talk to someone about their bad behavior within earshot of others.

13. There are times when I can t figure out how to give others completely honest feedback in a way that won t offend them.

14. Sometimes when I bring up a problem I do too much talking and not enough listening.

15. When I bring up problems with others, there are times when I make it hard for them to share their views.

Make It Motivating




16. I can t motivate some of the people to change because I don t have enough power to do so.

17. In order to get people to want to do certain things, sometimes I rely on guilt or even threats.

18. There are times when I can t figure out why people aren t interested in doing what they should be doing.

19. Sometimes it s hard to get others to understand that the behavior I want from them is really in their best interest.

20. There are people I routinely deal with who, to be honest, just can t be motivated.

Make It Easy




21. When people find a job to be unattractive or noxious, I occasionally turn up the heat so they ll do it no matter what.

22. When someone can t do something, I tend to jump in with my advice, when all they really want is a chance to talk about their ideas.

23. Sometimes I think that individuals who bend over backwards to make jobs easy are pampering people who just need to do their job and be held accountable.

24. Occasionally after finishing a problem-solving discussion, I forget to check to see if the other person is committed to do what s necessary.

25. There are times when I ve asked others for their ideas but didn t really need them because I already had a plan of my own.

Stay Focused and Flexible




26. When talking to others about problems, sometimes I get sidetracked and miss the original problem.

27. When people bring up whole new problems during a crucial confrontation, I don t know what to do with the new issue.

28. When people get angry in the middle of a discussion, I don t always know how to respond.

29. I m pretty good at staying focused on an issue, but occasionally may miss talking about what the other person really wants to discuss.

30. When someone misses a commitment and should have updated me but didn t, I generally let them off the hook ”even though they didn t have the courtesy to involve me.

Move to Action




31. Sometimes I work through a problem but forget to clarify who is supposed to do what by when.

32. There are times when I m disappointed with what others have done because they have failed to understand exactly what I wanted them to do.

33. Sometimes I neglect to give others a specific deadline, only to be surprised when they don t deliver by the time I expected them to.

34. I m pretty sure that either my kids , my spouse, or some of the people I work with think I micromanage them.

35. Sometimes I give people assignments but don t have adequate time to follow up.


Add up the number of boxes you checked Yes. Each represents an area where you could use some assistance. Here s what your total score means:

26 “35: Don t put this book down!

16 “25: You could use some help, but at least you re honest.

6 “15: You re capable and likely are succeeding.

1 “5: You could teach us all a thing or two.

Chapter-by-Chapter Results

This survey is divided into the seven chapters that cover crucial confrontation skills (five questions each). Look at your results chapter by chapter. You may want to focus your attention on the chapters where you checked the most Yes boxes. These chapters offer the solutions to your most common challenges.

Crucial Confrontations. Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior
Crucial Confrontations
ISBN: 0071446524
EAN: 2147483647
Year: 2005
Pages: 115

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