STEPS TO EXCELLENCE

1. DECIDE: Do you really want to be a manager?

2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Before lifesavers jump into shark infested waters, they check their gear carefully

3. ESTABLISH YOUR OWN SUPPORT SYSTEM: Create your own buddy-system or external cheerleaders

4. PREPARE YOUR SYSTEM: Confirm buy-on that you will not be alone and will be well supported by your administration

5. GO FOR IT: Jump in and give it your best. Pay attention to successes and errors.

6. DESIGN YOUR MANAGEMENT STYLE AND PROGRAM: Look at all the options you know and create a process, style, and program that fit you and your company.

7. RETREAT AND RECREATION: Treat yourself to a celebration , because there is a good chance no one else will know how hard you have been working!

8. RECOMMIT: Restart the process from Step 1 for each incident you are managing.

Step 1: Deciding

If you decide, you are not a victim; you have made a choice. Once you have decided to manage, use the following tools to maintain your decision:

1. Avoid Management Insomnia

Obviously, you are looking through this text because you are awake to the emotional problems in your company. Perhaps you have always been awake and are on top of your game, or you have been suddenly jolted into alertness because of a crisis in the workplace. Perhaps you have cleverly skipped ahead to this chapter because you already know first-hand the chaos and destruction of workplace emotional spinning. Or you are deciding whether or not to purchase the book. There are indeed many books on the market making grand promises and then leaving you once again alone in the middle of your chaos. But that's the fun of being a manager, right? Yes, it is your job to stay awake in the middle of everyone else's nightmare and remain vigilant to the details of the situation. Like it or not, you are a leader and facilitator and the potential icon for safety. You do not want to be the manager who adds another dimension of disaster inside a catastrophe. Staying awake is difficult when everyone around you appears to be sleepwalking. The only way a manager can survive for the long term is to develop a clear process of self managed care and staying awake.

2. Review your Job Title

Your job title may give you an indication about what you are supposed to accomplish. Most managers say that figuring out what is wrong with people is not their job. If that is what you are saying, you are right ” that probably is not your job. Your job is to pay attention, witness , evaluate, predict and document your observations and do everything you can to keep people working and productive. You then pass that information on to your bosses, experts and refer to policies, make referrals, and create mountains of documentation.

Excellent managers are in the unique position to "see" more than anyone else in the company ” if they are awake. Some managers try to maintain a comatose state to avoid accountability, pass over the tough stuff to HR, blame, pass the buck, reorganize, manipulate and generally do whatever they can to avoid actually managing. Managing is hard work, underappreciated, and overwhelming at times. It can also be fascinating and entertaining if one stays awake and learns to absorb and endure forces of human emotions. It is not a job for wimps ” it is a job for warriors. That might not be in your job description, but you know it is true.

3. If everyone is out to get you, paranoia might be good thinking

The next obstacle to excellence is when managers suggest that all this emotional stuff is "paranoia" and that "if we spend time in fear, we won't accomplish anything." This may be true, yet the next question needs to be, "how much time do you spend dealing with employee emotions?" Do you think that time could be spent doing something more fiscally productive? If managers are very, very far from being competent, they state something like, "well nothing can happen to us, so we aren't going to spend training dollars in paranoia."

Mental Health Professionals will let you know that clinical paranoia is described in terms of an unnatural or out-of-proportion fear over time. For example, while it is healthy to fear bee stings, fires, and tornadoes, it suggests paranoia if you are compelled to spend all your time in the basement wearing mesh netting holding a hose. If, on the other hand, you have lost a house in a tornado or have a severe allergy to bees, or been in a fire, a little dose of paranoia is just good thinking and quite reasonable. Paying attention to emotions and extreme emotions is not overreacting. Spending no time on preparation is a dangerous overreaction. Minimization can be more dangerous than paranoia. Balance is the key: Reason and Balance. Most industries have fire extinguishers, evacuation plans, and other safety processes. This is just one more.

Managers say "I don't want to think about people in bad ways. I want to keep good thoughts about people." A good thought is a good thing. However, professional development and maturity demands that you come to understand that not everyone is a saint . There is a difference between judging a person as "bad" and making a good discernment , or a good business observation. Managers can remain professionally neutral, personally positive, and observe and document emotional behavior that is less than conducive to productivity within that particular marketplace .

It is necessary for a manager to discern whether someone's emotional behavior is positive and productive or negative and nonproductive. It is also necessary to determine when it is negative if it is due to ignorance, chronic problems, temporary circumstances, or malevolence. This leads to decisions about remediation , recovery, referral, or removal of an employee.

Step 2: Prepare Yourself

1. Olympic Athletes Go for the Gold

Endurance for the long run takes preparation and maintenance. Imagine that you are a world-class athlete getting ready for Olympic competition. You do not just run onto the field. You do a lot of work prior to the big show. Your preparations should include physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental self-care procedures designed by you, for you. You need to warm up, suit up and show up. And if it makes you feel more confident to have a rabbit's foot in your pocket, then do so! This is your game and you are going to have to provide yourself with the stamina and spirit to run a marathon, not a sprint.

2. Remain Neutral

The manager must remain neutral or will add spin to the problem. Learning to act from a neutral position is a very powerful way to manage. The mechanisms of neutrality are based on the capacity to know your own biases, feelings, opinions and positions , and then putting them aside temporarily in order to act as a mediator. A mediator does not engage in the problem or the solution. A neutral mediator acts as a facilitator of communication flow. In other words, the manager must understand the flow of the energy and not get in the way of progress by diverting it toward a personal agenda.

When a military advisor was asked what advice he would pass on to managers, he responded: "We had managers that turned out to cause more trouble than they solved and had to be let go. These managers did affect morale and productivity. My advice to managers is that I've discovered that people need an outlet for their emotions. If you have to talk to an employee who has been causing problems, approach it non-emotionally. Stay neutral, keep it professional and do not get emotional when they do. Sometimes just letting them talk with someone gets it out and gone."

3. Determine if you have a problem or an issue

Managers must first assess if the concern on the table is a quick-fix problem or a long-term issue. The tools for one situation will be quite different from the tools necessary to approach another situation.

Management challenges come in two forms: (1) problems and, (2) issues.

1. Problems: Acute, short-lived, addressable, fixable, solvable, tribulations and challenges

   Examples: a flat tire, the sudden unexpected exit of an employee

2. Issues: Chronic, long-term, addressable, less solvable, sometimes impossible -to-fix concerns and challenges

   Examples: the poverty associated with having a bad car with bad tires and no spare, the long-term systemic disenfranchisement because messages from administration are contradictory and duplicitous in an industry that has a history of layoffs

4. Consider the dimensions of your situation

Are you facing a dust devil or an F-5? Is it just starting or is it long-standing? Big or little? In one department, or is it systemic? Managers must take into consideration the full potential range of losses and gains of any business change, whether minor or major. They must also be on the lookout for exploitation and opportunists who will use the loss part of a change as a venue for escalating conflict and risk. An effective manager looks at potential losses and gains that may be incurred on any level of emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual realm. Change will have effect. No two people perceive a change in the same way. What is minor to one person may trigger overwhelming emotional spinning in another person.

5. Before you ever begin, step away from the spinning

Managers must factor in considerations from the micro to the macro, and then move carefully, quietly and thoughtfully onto an observation deck, remain professionally neutral and look around to see what is going on everywhere with everyone. Everywhere! With everyone! This is the key to a good Emotional Continuity Management intervention. The manager often is overwhelmed with the specific nature of the challenge and does not step back to view the entire big picture. This is often how a major spin is enhanced as the manager engages in the problem and adds to the mix. Thank everyone for their input, make notes, document, discuss, determine then leave the area and be alone for a while. Go out for a coffee. Take a lunch break. Sleep on it! If it is not life threatening it can usually wait until you are calm, centered, and ready to make a good management decision. Sometimes a physical break of five minutes can assist you in seeing the big picture so you do not contribute the chaos.

6. Do your own emotional homework

Managers are in the middle of the chaos ” that is your job. If you do not love that feeling, then you may not be management material. You might be a fabulous administrator or worker-bee instead. Decide if you want to be in the middle. Does it stir up your own problems and issues? Step back and evaluate the situation while also reviewing your position in the mix. How are you doing? How are you managing your own emotions? What do you think your capacity is for grief , anger, fear, and other big feelings? All feelings are natural. Managers must be better at knowing their own feelings than others must be. You do not have to control your feelings, just know them so you can manage them well.

7. Don't fear conflict, use it

Conflict is not meant to be avoided, it is meant to be useful. When tension rises, it can lead to conflict. Conflict is normal. Conflict is not necessarily a problem or an issue. Conflict can lead to war or it can lead to creativity and invention. Gary Simmons, author of The I of the Storm , describes his method of finding peaceful solutions to conflict, and the forces that lead to a conflict storm of "competing needs, wants, and values, combined with misperception, defensiveness, and the need to be right, that create an energetic field of influence that is that storm inherent in interpersonal conflict."

Whatever analogy you use, conflict is the presence of energy that bombards or bumps into other energy. This bumping creates friction. Friction makes heat. Thus, managers feel as though they are always taking the heat from the higher-ups and putting out fires of the line workers. This is because they are . However, the energy, in its original state, is neutral and potentially useful. The task is to take the heat or energy and either use it for creative solutions, or return it to a neutral state so it can self-extinguish. A successful conflict resolution does not eliminate the energy but reforms or neutralizes the reactive energy.

Management turns conflict energy positive or negative. A conflict is usually about something perceived as sacred that has been threatened. This situation is someone's Holy Ground. Holy Ground is where human beings can become their best selves or their worst selves. Conflict is where you find out who you are and exactly with whom you are dealing. Conflict is a perfect means to find out what is important. Think of conflict as an excellent location for a potentially important discovery. Conflict provides a mirror so you can see where you are. Do you like how you respond to conflict? Look at your own self to see if you are missing a skill of communication. It is easy to point at the other person. Warriors and excellent managers use conflict for self-discovery.

Managers define conflict zones as their biggest challenge. However, this is where everything important is happening. The simple trick to using conflict well is to first see it as a holy spot where something good can be born. That may never happen, but it is where you begin. How you approach conflict is dependent on your opinion about conflict. If you fear it, or have had bad, violent, or terrifying experiences with conflict, do your own homework first, then move into the energy zone. A conflict does not necessarily mean a war.

When conflicting energies start spinning around, they create a sort of chaos. Chaos is the stuff of life, but you need to move slowly at this point, so you do not fall into the chaos energy. Step back, observe, check your emotional homework and then grab the skills that turn chaos into creativity. This is where a manager can shine like a beacon or go into the shadows. Managers can panic and run, join in the fight, or stand their ground neutrally and make something amazing happen.

After you have done your preparation, move forward with caution. Follow the company policy line-by-line to protect yourself and your workplace. Observe the situation at the location of conflict to see the bigger picture. Step back again if you need to take more time. Always serve the whole system. Do not try to control or block the conflict. Do not get in its way. It will have a life of its own. Take a bit more time to evaluate it within the big scope of the larger mission and see if can be used for creative value or if it is headed to create a negative effect. Use your tools and do what you can to establish the conflict as an added value. If it grows out of control, then use the bigger tools. The traditional view is that conflict means bigger weapons. Weapons do not quiet conflicts, they escalate them. Tools are useful. Weapons of mass destruction can certainly appear to end a conflict, as it burns underground until the next incident.

Step 3: Establish Your Own Support System

1. Support Yourself

Start your support system by learning how to take excellent care of yourself. This means an entire personal program and toolkit of caretaking that will support you from within.

You are a whole person! In an ideal world with ideal people, the whole person should have a repertoire and set of recipes for creating a wonderful life, at home and at work. Everyone else on the rest of the planet must strive for such balance on a daily basis. Healthy people have a plan and a process to care for their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. This book would be remiss if it avoided the whole person in favor of one of these four foundations of well-being. Take ample time to review your foundations for health as you define them. Favoring one of the four cornerstones while ignoring the others leads to operating in an unbalanced state. Doing a daily practice, discipline, or treatment of some kind in each category will keep you balanced no matter what comes your way. You need to be balanced when standing in the presence of change. Balance does not mean fixed ” it can mean staying in one position for a long time, or being alert and ready to spring into action. All athletes have ways to strengthen their balance because they know how important it is to motion. Are your foundations balanced or do you put all your energies into one category at the expense of the other three?

• PHYSICAL: Exercise, diet, grooming and hygiene, movement, temperature, senses (vision, taste, touch, hearing, smelling) observing art, dancing , wearing different colors and textures, hugs or handshakes, good hand washing, breathing deeply in the morning air, music, trying different foods , a day of silence.

• SPIRITUAL: Exploring the relationship you have with whatever or whomever it is you think is in charge of the universe. Making that relationship a priority. Find a spiritual or religious practice that is yours.

• MENTAL: Challenging yourself in areas of non-expertise, in other words, if you read all the time. take a break. If you never read, pick up a book. If you read nonfiction, take a break with a cheesy novel , and if all you ever read is cheese, pick up a biography. It's okay if you take four years to read a book. It is the willingness that is important. Go to an opera, or stay at home and play a board game. Do crossword puzzles, or start a nonprofit organization and build a board of directors. Do more, or do less, but do it awake.

• EMOTIONAL: Your feelings matter mostly to you, but they do matter. You are human because you have discernment and feel differently about different things. At the end of life people generally don't regret having had a full life with emotions. If they regret , it is that they missed feeling something because they were not paying attention in the moment. Therapeutic Writing for Stress Management is an easy skill to learn to self-manage your emotions at work. It isn't about journal writing or creating narratives for posterity. Therapeutic writing can be done by doodling in the margins of your notebook during an important meeting, writing poetry on a napkin at lunch, writing your grocery list, or a number of other non-writers' tricks. (Hawkins-Mitchell, 1999)

2. Exit Strategy

Confucius is said to have taught that "when you enter, choose your exit." A good support process is to think how you will exit if things get too much for you to manage. You do not want to linger in negativity and fear, but it is foolish to not at least make a quick check of how you might get out of a situation if it goes nasty. Most continuity plans for disaster include looking for the nearest exit, then getting on with your work.

Some decisions appear to be a good idea at the time and under certain circumstances. Then, things change and a decision may appear to have been an error. This is the nature of human experience. It should be expected. What you did not know at the time may change your opinion. This is when it may be useful to implement the Dr. Vali's "IT-SEEMED-LIKE-A-GOOD-IDEA-AT-THE-TIME" plan.

Change happens and perhaps your decision to work for this company seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time. People are often more likely to end a marriage than a job! Where we might dump a distressful marriage in a flash we cling to our wretched-battering-lowlife-drunken-betraying jobs for better or worse , sickness and health, until someone's death us do part. We stay at horrible jobs stuck with awful human beings that no one in their right mind would marry! Loyalty can be a good thing. Misplaced loyalty can be insane. In our current state of economic affairs it can be easier to divorce a mate than divorce a difficult work colleague.

Date your job; don't marry it. Do not allow yourself to stay in a work situation that may be more difficult or demeaning than a bad marriage. Most people won't keep a pair of jeans if they do not fit. So, keep the receipt with any job you take on. You can change your mind. You can use the "It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time" exit plan, and move on. Use this job as a lesson for personal growth and then go find a job that suits you better. It may take many jobs to discover your true self. It may take many jobs inside your career of choice to find the situation where you would be inspired to make a lifetime commitment. Or it may take a change of career.

Sit in a theater and before you stuff that first handful of popcorn into your mouth, look around for the exit signs. If there is an emergency you may have saved your life. It does not mean you are leaving before the film is shown. Do the same thing in your job. Before you commit your life savings, buy a house to be close to your new job, or marry the boss' only child, look around and see if there is a healthy way out if you change your mind. It does not mean you are disloyal and it does not mean you are setting up escape. It means this is a job and not a marriage, and the world economy or your company might divorce you suddenly without notice. What would you do? Where would you go? Who are your people? How would you survive? Make a quick note of your plan, stuff it into a favorite hiding place at home, and hope you never need to read it again.

3. Create your own Support Emotional Continuity Posse

Visualize yourself giving your speech at the Oscar Awards. You have won the award and now you stand before millions of people thanking the people who helped you get there. Being a success never means doing it alone. Pick your caregivers, cheerleaders, friends , mentors, pals, coaches, sponsors, nurturers, venting locations, buddies , sisters, brothers, and unconditional fan clubs carefully. You will need more than one place to garner support if you are going to be a master of management. Use nonhuman supports also such as journal writing, yoga, 12-Step programs, religious affiliations, exercise, good nutrition, clear water, fresh air, flowers, literature, music, and pets to nurture and care for yourself as you go out into the world of emotional management.

4. Support your Supporters

Managers are mothers, fathers, wives, husbands and relatives to people who will support you and who will need your support from time to time. Use what you learn to pass on to your people so your circle of support strengthens. Children and spouses who are confronted with Emotional Terrorists at school and other workplaces need tools. Teach them how to use Therapeutic Writing or learn Children's Conflict Resolution techniques. (Hawkins-Mitchell, 2002) Suggest an Emotional Continuity Management training for kids to your children's teachers and encourage your spouse to create a Workplace Trauma-Toolkit with his or her coworkers. Someone in your family may be dealing with aging parents, angry teenagers, ex-spouses, step-parenting, or other potential emotional spin risks and you can provide them with tools and training opportunities by advocating they take good care of themselves also. This will support them and you because you will have done something proactive for the people you love and you will worry a bit less about what is going on with your loved ones when you are trying to wrangle a conflict resolution with five employees that are on an emotional spin.

Step 4: Preparing the System

To convince someone that you know what you are doing can be a task in itself. To convince a boss or supervisor, CEO or your manager that you know what you are doing will mean the difference between success and non-success of your hard work. Most professionals stand on some theoretical foundation which they have come to believe in. Psychology, medicine, art and all fields of endeavor have previous masters who have organized systems of thought, called theories , that they believe define the parameters of the field at its highest order. What is your theory of management? Can you share that with your boss? Does it justify or support you management choices? Is it predicated on excellence or mediocrity ?

1. Pick a Theory

Whatever the change you want to manage, use the following composite theory as a practice exercise to start thinking about theory. Management texts are replete with management theories. Research management theories until you find the one you like and practice it until it becomes yours.

Two Examples of Change Theory:

Example 1: The R's Theory

1. Re-thinking

   Reconsider the possibility that change is necessary

2. Re-organizing

   Change needs to happen, so re-organize the system to fit the change

3. Re-modeling

   Change the building or equipment to suit the change

4. Re-writing Roles

   Rewrite rules and roles to adjust to the change

5. Re-warding

   Enhance and entice employees to change

6. Re-lationships

   Rearrange how people work together to move the system forward

7. Re-sponsibilities

   Delegate help from inside and outside the organization to accommodate changes

8. Re-mediation

   Retrain everyone, or specific people how to adjust to change

9. Re-organizing the industry

   Become an agent of huge change that affects the entire industry to make the changes necessary

 

Example 2: The Easy-Does-It Theory

0 = do nothing, take no risks. Wait. EASY DOES IT!

1 = watch, observe, attend , wait, consider

2 = begin to assess, collect information, question, engage, organize, process and actively create first ideas of intervention

3 = include others, try simple ideas, support change, encourage inclusion, implement research discoveries, test systems for strength, offer encouragements

4 = increase energy, provide information, formalize processes, seek outcomes , commit to the duration of the process, develop external resources

5 = use external resources, strengthen internal resources, support infrastructure while change is being implemented

6 = demand change because the risks of no change are greater than the risks of change

 

2. Consider the Diagnosis

Before a good intervention can happen, a good diagnosis must happen. Today's manager must be an Emotional Continuity Diagnostician. Managerial training may provide a basic understanding of human behavior in the guise of Keeping up Motivation, or Healthy Workplaces, or the Difficult Employee. Managers in other times in history were never intended to do the work that HR or EAPs were meant to do. Today's marketplace, with the variances of business continuity and disaster planning, demands that the manager move into a deeper understanding of human dynamics under stress.

3. Honor your own Hunches

Managers must make some wise hunches about employees, even if it is not appropriate to "diagnose them" from a mental health clinical perspective. Just as you might have a hunch about your car needing a new intake valve, you would take it to a professional for appropriate care. Every good intervention starts with a hunch, or theory. You can go to your medical doctor with signs and symptoms and say, "I think it might be my sinuses." The doctor will check it out and confirm or deny a diagnosis before treatment. You can start with a hunch. If you call in a Mental Health Professional as a resource, most credible consultants will appreciate your hunches.

4. Listen to Witnesses

Most people do not want to witness problems. Intentional emotional spinners do not want witnesses. Therefore, silence works well for emotional spinners until a company becomes engaged in a full force blow-out. Spinners are often quite efficient at hiding and distorting reality so that when their behaviors or intentions are eventually witnessed they scramble to rearrange the perception of the viewer. If they can discredit the witness, their position is strengthened . It is easier for the regular witness to accept a creative cover story and move back to the comfort of denial than deal with the ramifications of what they may have seen. The wonderful human brain helps with this. Like an extra eyelid on a camel that protects it from the harsh terrorism of blowing winds, our sweet, protective brains help us blink away icky emotional tornadoes.

Emotional spinners count on this. Emotional Continuity Management works to keep everyone awake, eyes open , with potential witnesses valued, not scorned. If no one has permission to spin, early signs can be addressed with compassion and humor. If no one has permission to see, the blind will no doubt lead the blind right into a tornado.

Consider the Types of Witness

1. Accidental: Someone unintentionally observes something out of context, inappropriate, dangerous, or incongruent because they just happen to be in the right place at the wrong time or the wrong place at the right time.

2. Good Radar: Some people are gifted with a sense of Clear Moral Index and natural boundaries which make them able to almost smell trouble or incongruities brewing and not doubt their own perceptions and perspectives.

3. Attuned Sensitives: Some people have well-developed, natural intuition and sensory acuity and feel safe using it. They respond to it as easily as other use a sense of sight, sound, smell and touch.

4. Resolving Trauma Survivors: Out of necessity these people have developed or adapted accurate radar for early warning and detection of trouble. They have experienced or witnessed severe critical incidents and observed the outcomes of such events. They know that such difficulties are real and that early warnings might have served them in the past, so they are vigilant. They are great assets to a corporation when given room and support to express their witnessings. Sometimes they can come across as complainers, bitter, or arrogant with an "I-know-what-can-happen-and-everyone-who-doesn't-is-an-idiot" style. Sometimes viewed as complainers, with good support they are helpful. They terrify Emotional Terrorists, who often discredit them as "crazy."

5. Unresolved Trauma Survivors: Quiet, fearful, high denial, blame themselves, may try to speak up, but may change their story to protect themselves or others. May give good early warnings, but will not be available to back up the claims or observations under pressure. May start strong then fade to self-protect from imagined or remembered abuse or trauma. Their information is useful to an observant manager.

6. Co-Dependents: They have an active radar system based on their childhood survival mechanisms and also may have an overactive translator system. They can see an eyebrow twitch from across the room but they may mistranslate what it means. The asset is in their acute observational skills. The liability is in their translation of it and their fear mechanisms that suggest it is up to them to control it. They may try to fill in the gap with their own translation of what their observation means. Sometimes an eyebrow twitch is just an eyebrow twitch and sometimes it means more. An alert manager will note the witness report of the eyebrow twitch and keep alert.

7. Intentional Spinner Witnessing: An Intentional Spinner or an Emotional Terrorist may point in a direction to distract attention or increase energy into the playing field. They may even point out their participation in the problem to make it seem as though they are self-effacing allies and actively participating in finding a solution to the problem. With this they are able to slip around for an "end run" and start a spin elsewhere. With this, they now demand that all pressure on them be removed. "It's over now, because I pointed it out" and "consequences don't matter because we are all one big happy, aren't we?" They press for instant " forgiveness " and want to just move on quickly. Any lingering at this point often leads them to create yet another event to re-distract attention.

Respecting healthy witnessing takes some practice. Although witnessing is a risk, not seeing is a greater risk. And if everyone is on board, everyone can co-witness, which lowers the individual pressure. Any witness who is not respected for their risk to witness may experience a variety of negative feelings, which can set them up to add to a spin. Whistle-blowing has given witnessing a bad name . People now fear speaking up. Instead of feeling honored and appreciated, a witness may end up:

• Feeling like a troublemaker

• Feeling like they did as a child who saw their father get silently drunk while their mother cried in the bedroom

• Feeling like they did as a molested 5 year old

• Feeling like they did when they were a battered spouse

• Feeling like a fool

• Feeling like their perceptions of reality are valueless and wrong

• Feeling stupid

• Feeling denied

• Feeling anger

• Feeling depression

• Feeling obsolete

• Feeling crazy

• Feeling useless

• Feeling frightened

• Feeling held hostage

• Feeling there is no where else to go with this and return to work feeling defeated and confused and ready to abandon loyalty to the firm

Case Example

Trudy dy saw something she does not know how to handle at work. Her co-worker, Bethany, is spreading rumors about the boss and people are spinning and getting upset. Trudy scolds herself and tells herself that she is overreacting. Bethany is an employee with a lot of seniority and Trudy is not. Everyone listens to Bethany and she has a lot of influence among the rank and file.

The waves of rumors spread like wildfire and her co-workers are getting more and more distressed. Ryan threatens to quit. Kim gets too quiet. Suzanne and Vicki Lynn spend more time whispering at the copy machine, and Jessica is taking longer lunches and does not seem to want to participate in the staff meetings. Trudy decides to risk talking to her manager and to share her observations and concerns. It is a brave moment for Trudy, who is rather shy. Trudy explains that although Bethany always gets her work done well, she is somehow able to get other people spinning emotionally. The manager wonders if Trudy might be a troublemaker.

The manager was just considering Trudy for a small promotion, but now questions it. After all, if she cannot work with Bethany on the project, it might not go well for the company. Trudy picks this up and is given the message that her intuition, observations and witnessing are not supported. When she returns to work, Bethany looks across the room at her and gives Trudy a knowing grin. Bethany knows exactly what has just happened and has won territory

Learning Byte

Now Trudy must make a difficult choice. Because her manager did not handle her witnessing well, she can: (1) work in an environment which protects an Emotional Terrorist; (2) become an annoying aggressive witness; (3) try to get other people to see it with her and become a leader of a force against the bad behavior thus escalating the problem and possibly becoming an Emotional Terrorist herself; (4) join in the spinning to be one of the gang; (5) drink heavily; (6) use the internet for her own personal life since no one cares about her; (7) go ahead and sell proprietary information to the guy who was in her face last week; (8) make plans for suicide; (9) make homicide plans; or, (10) leave. All of these options, some silly and extreme, will influence the emotional climate of the company. What would have happened if the manager had just listened to the witnessing, acknowledged the possibility that Trudy was honest, and moved with an open mind and an alert eye?

DO THIS : Explore the critical value of witnessing. with a mental health counselor or an Emotional Continuity Management consultant.

DON'T : Discredit a witness. Listen first. Evaluate later. It is not a good feeling to realize after the fact that someone " warned you" about something you didn't see .

 

The effective management of witnessing is quite simple. It consists of the following steps:

1. Listen to the observations without judging, commenting, agreeing or disagreeing. Stay neutral,

2. Make a note of the concerns for possible future reference.

3. Say something like "Thank you, I appreciate your report and I will make a note of this information and keep my eyes open."

4. Repeat #3 if necessary to support the witness.

If the reporter is not satisfied with this, and demands that the manager engage, it may be an Emotional Terrorist Witnessing. Most witnesses simply want to unload the report, be acknowledged, and move on. Some witnesses need more support and gratitude, but they usually do not need engagement.

A manager does not need to join, agree, investigate, act, react , deny, dance , sing or create any sort of chaos to "take a witnessing under advisement." Usually one witnessing event does not make a case unless it is criminal or life-threatening. However, a manager cannot have two witnessings if he/she blows off the first one just because it stands alone. That is, unless the manager is an Emotional Terrorist.

5. Make a Management Toolkit

Minimum Requirements of an Emotional Continuity Management Toolkit

• Conflict resolution methods

• Communication methodologies

• Systems education

• Diversity training and cultural norms of emotions

• Icons, slogans and banners for quick recognition

• Team building strategies

• Grief work education and practice

• Control and management strategies

• Personal values tools

• Humor

• Emotional Terrorism information

• Tools for new employee orientation

• Normal and abnormal psychology basics

• How to recognize signs of traumatic stress

• Emotional self-defense

• Cultural and social hierarchy norms

• Ventilation models for debriefing and defusing

• Adjustment strategies and practices

• Stress management tools for the life span

• Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health practices

• Resistance and creativity training

• Documentation standards for emotions

• Memos of understanding with external vendors

• Bibliographies

• Corporate models for Emotional Continuity Management

• Other resources

• Emotional tools that generalize across occupations

• A full range of emotional tools for the entire range of human emotions

• Emotional quick-fix first aid ideas with pre-arranged referrals for more serious emotional requirements

• Tools that generalize to small and large organizations without significant adjustments

• Tools that are not based in fads or trends

• Tools that are gender, cultural, socio-economic , educational, racial, and ethnically sensitive

• Tools should be designed that are cross-cultural

• Tools will work equally well for the diverse needs of executive, management and line staff. Other tools may be needed for volunteers, vendors, clients and others but should remain in step with all other tools

• Tools that are simple, understandable, and practical will be effective for use inside and outside the work setting.

Step 5: Go for It

Set your eyes on your goal, suit up, pull yourself up straight, rub your lucky rabbit's foot, take a breath and jump in to the midst of the fun. Do not be upset by initial stirs of fears and worries, this is just energy moving. As you accommodate to the energy in motion from a position of personal strength do not take chaos personally. Begin your work and manage with personal persistence striving for excellence. Start your day with a "bring it on" attitude. Reframe your vision to that of yourself as a Management Warrior seeking Excellence.

1. Learn How to Persist

1. Only listen to people who give you YES messages

   Do not let the fears of other people get in the way of believing in yourself. Even if you do not believe in you, do not let others convince you that you are right. If you want to be an astronaut, give it a shot. If you do not reach the stars, okay. But in the process, you might just find that you like working with the nifty computers at Houston Control. Or you might become an armchair astronomer . If you want to be an excellent manager, use the YES's as doorways to success.

2. Pick a goal, any goal, and do one small thing toward it every day

   Some days are harder than others are. Once you have picked a goal, do something toward it every day. Even if today you can only muster the strength to sharpen your pencils, say aloud , "Sharpening this pencil is helping me reach my goal of _________." One 70-year-old author was asked how long it took him to write his novel. He said, "70 years." It was made into a movie after his 73 ^rd birthday. He was in the film. If you want to be a great and beloved manager, pick a small goal to work on each day.

3. Suit up and Show up

   Begin to see everything as directed toward your goal. If you are watching TV, watch for programs about your goal. If you are going for a walk, consider how walking will make you stronger for your outcome. If you are eating , eat to get healthy for your goal. If you are reading a cheesy novel, use it to learn to read faster. If you are poor and alone, celebrate your freedom, because when you are successful you will be busy and up to your chin in people who want to be with you.

4. Take time to notice the butterfly outside the window

   As you become more involved and engaged with your visions and goals, make certain that you continue to do reality checking with nature. Spend at least five minutes each day (more if you can) looking out the window, counting snowflakes , picking flowers, sitting on the porch in the sunshine, walking barefoot, hugging trees, or weeping over sunsets. At work this can look like a quick breath of fresh air between meetings, a quiet lunch outdoors, a quick peek at the trees outside your window, or drinking a glass of water very slowly and enjoying the sweetness of the liquid going down your throat and saying to yourself, "thank you water."

5. Don't join those who complain about the process

   In work sites, employees can quickly establish themselves into two separate groups. One group will be comprised of workers who complain about everything (and there is always ample to complain about at work) and those who do not have time or will not take time to complain. Guess which group is more successful over time? There is plenty of time to complain after tasks are completed. A good manager will allow time for an occasional group complaint-fest. This is often best handled over pizza.

6. Make at least two new friends

   Make one friend who is just a bit less motivated and one who is just a bit more motivated than you are. Pick peers, not staff friends. Choose management peers from a different company or industry if you can. Join a management organization to meet people. Let these two different friends balance your pace. As you interact with the less motivated friend, use a little of your energy to push him/her and yourself. As you interact with the more motivated person, use a little of their energy to push yourself. Do not try to overcome the more motivated person, or rescue the less motivated person. Just notice your pace and use it to keep your energy flowing . Enjoy their success energy and persistence and to create sources and boundaries for your own forward momentum. It is also a gift to yourself to maintain old friendships with supportive people who may not be "on your train" but will act as witness to your growth and celebrate with you. There are people who love to cheer for the mountain climbers but who themselves would rather wait at base-camp. Ask climbers to join you and ask the base-camp folks to fix a cup of cocoa for you when you return with your grand stories. Both kinds of people are treasure to keep and to protect forever.

7. Pick an appropriate time to relax with peers. Become devoted to it.

   Every Friday afternoon your staff could meet at a local caf to talk, complain, laugh and regroup. The ritualized connection can be open to anyone who shows, one or all, and can be used to debrief the week so people do not have to take it home. Recreation is absolutely necessary to keep up a consistent level of persistence, create balance, provide fun stories, encourage light moments, provide places to exchange helpful tips and eliminates isolation. Isolation is very dangerous when you are striving for a goal because in isolation you can lose perspective about why you began this journey in the first place.

8. Take care of your soulful self

   Although it is very important to care for your physical and emotional well-being while working for a goal, it is critical to care for the part of you that goes "beyond the self." Write poetry on napkins, pray, meditate, walk on the pier, compose a symphony, go back to church or synagogue, sing, smile at old people at bus stops, sew a quilt for charity, run a marathon, buy an antique, swim, watch old movies, give blood to the Red Cross, write love letters , make cookies on a rainy Sunday, wait patiently for someone, help a friend move, wash your car, paint your living room, make curtains, walk on the beach , be a birth coach, sit by a dying friend, buy a cat, take your dogs to the park, climb a tree and do whatever it takes to balance the unilateral selfish energy it takes to push toward your goal by offering service to others.

9. Re-invent yourself as needed

   Take time to find out who you are and who you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, and 20 years. Find a mentor in someone who has succeeded in your goal; ask him or her for advice. Find someone older who will say, "Just do it now dear, because when you are my age, you will wish you had."

10. Learn to jump hoops, even little tiny ones or ones with big flames

    Being a student, or a learner of any kind, means there are people who are "The Knowers" and they have the power for now. It's okay ” because someday, you will have the power when you are the master. If you are really a master you will not forget the days you were a powerless nincompoop and you will be more mentor than tyrant. Surrendering gets either easier or more difficult as you age. Surrender can feel like freedom or death. But until you really are the One Who Knows All Things In Your Given Area of Expertise, you can still learn. And even the Knower must learn how to be a wonderful Knower. The surrender of jumping hoops can feel bad or creative. Hoop jumping is usually a temporary event. The hoop is not the entire Truth of the Universe, it is only a hoop. Don't make it more than it is or less than it is. Masters are not necessarily any brighter or more intelligent than anyone else is, but they are more persistent than most and willing to jump through pointed flaming hoops to reach their goals and dreams. There is a story about Albert Einstein who was trying to fix a crooked paper clip. He searched for a tool to fix it and found an entire box of paperclips. He completed repairing the bent clip. Even though he did not need to, he was persistent in completing his task. When asked about this he explained that this was how he approached every problem, until it was solved.

11. Know when to push the envelope and when to back off

    The one-minded focus necessary to reach a goal can lead some to a rather addictive process of obsessive behavior. Figure out when you are pushing it. Watch for signs like: leaving your purse in the refrigerator, forgetting to shower for much too long, talking to friends online rather than taking your dogs for a walk, yelling at your wife, screaming at your husband, thinking the world revolves around you, feeding the kids Chinese food on Thanksgiving because you forgot to buy a turkey , and screaming at friends who just "don't understand your vision." If you are hurting yourself or hurting someone else, you are off track. Maybe your goal is good and valid, but your way of getting there is inappropriate. Seek professional help if you lose yourself in your goal. It is okay to change your mind, change your vision, change your goal, and change your style. If you need to make an exit, use this phrase to explain it to friends, "It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I changed my mind." If you have a special, wonderful vision, at least go for it. Success often means you gave it a shot and re-decided.

12. Bless yourself for Surviving

    Survival is not always a pretty sight. It takes a lot of grit and persistence to live through this life. You probably have people you have known that did not make it this far. If you are reading this, it means you are probably still alive . That's a good thing. All your faults, errors, talents, skills, efforts, mistakes, questions, answers, fears, angers, joys, resistances, problems, victories and failures have led you to Now. You are so brave. As you persist in living on Planet Earth and following your dreams and working toward achieving your personal goals, sometimes you must give yourself permission to persist and continue persisting . Sometimes no one else will encourage you. In fact, some may scorn you for pressing on. That's okay. Be noble. Be honorable. Find and create dignity in everything you do. Then, no matter how big or small your goal, when you reach it, bow deeply to yourself and say, "I AM SO BRAVE!" A wonderful benefit of this kind of thinking is that you will be able to celebrate and honor even the smallest achievements of others. What a wonderful manager you will be then! The victories of others will be neither a threat nor a joke. You will authentically celebrate success, and compassionately support errors. You will know that someone else's goal may seem small to you but it may be a Mount Everest to them. When you know what your vision for greatness is, you will be able to persist toward it while cheering loudly for other persistent people. What if there was no finish line?

2. Know when to quit and head for shelter

   Some emotional spins are bigger than you are. Make certain that you have a best pal or resource (not a spouse or parent) outside your company that can support you and your work. The all-alone nature of management is sometimes daunting in the midst of storms. All warriors know when to quit, know where the foxhole is and all good managers know where and how they can protect themselves legally, ethically, and emotionally. If things get rough, ask yourself, "are you dating this job or are you married to it?" If you are married to the job and it becomes too much, perhaps a job-divorce will be necessary to maintain your integrity. If you are dating the job, you might just need to break up and give back the ring. No matter the situation or circumstances, it is always appropriate to work in a safe place.

3. Have appropriate pre-arranged referrals available

   Managers are not supposed to be Mental Health Professionals. So what happens when managers recognize a major problem with one of their people? Traditionally they send them to HR or recommend an EAP session or two. Then what? The employee is still there. You may need more than these two referral resources to get through a major incident. And there is always the concern that your HR or EAP people might be the emotional problems in your company. If your resources are impaired temporarily by a traumatic event, what would you do? Some companies retain Emotional Continuity Management professionals while other businesses create partnerships and Memos of Understanding (MOU's) between agencies.

Step 6: Design Your Management Style and Program

You should know your company inside and out. Designing a management style and program needs to reflect your own personal style while fitting within the parameters of the company that pays your salary and the industry that drives the company. Try to look at the big picture and the small picture when you are researching and developing a program for your company.

1. Your Management Design Plan Should Consider:

   • Assessment of your unique and specific situation

   • Making a rough-draft plan

   • Checking out the plan with others

   • Confirming a final, but adjustable plan

   • Implementing the plan

   • Assessing the plan in action

   • Reorganizing the plan as necessary to adjust to changes

   • Making reports and recommendations

   • Writing documentations of outcomes

   • Encouraging evaluation and ongoing research

2. Obtain Buy-On

Unless you own the company, you need administrative support or buy-on to move forward. Your administrative buy-on process is perhaps the most critical of the steps in establishing an Emotional Continuity Management plan. Nothing will sabotage hard work than an upper-echelon authority dispatching your program.

Know the Difference between Control, Force, Power, and Management

Control	Control is an attempt to limit, restrict, stop or remove the expression of something. The desire or motivation for control is to keep something from happening or to regulate it from spreading. Emotions cannot be controlled. Nor should they be. Emotions can be managed.
Force	Force is a movement that projects a certain amount of power in one place in relationship to another place. Force creates counter-force that weakens some other area where the power has been removed to contribute to a force. Force is oppositional in that is moving against something. Hitler was a force, Germany was a power. Gandhi was a force, Non-violence is a power.
Power	Power arises from a position that carries a motive. Power is a neutral state that implies influence based on mass or volume. Power is a descriptor for determining the amount of something. David Hawkins describes in his book Power vs. Force , that power arises from meaning. His research describes how power always wins over force because it appeals to what uplifts, dignifies and ennobles human beings.
Management	Management is more about organizing, handling, using or creating a process for something. If emotions are consider to simply be differing forms of energy, then management is about skillfully employing that energy into the system so that it doesn't become blocked, short circuited, explosive or diminished.

Managers need to know the differences between these concepts in order to use the ones that are most appropriate in a given situation. Historically if you consider the differences between control, management, power and force, you will readily discover the root causes of fights, conflicts, struggles, and wars. Managers need to manage. They will need to manage powers and forces without being controlling, because they will have no control over these factors. Managers do not have control. Often when managers feel this reality they begin to feel fear. Fear is a force. Faith is a power.

There are times when a manager must act as a force to oppose the winds of emotional chaos. There are other times when a manager must expose their own personal power by simply moving out of the way and letting the wind blow. This construct is something that tornado chasers understand clearly or they risk their lives. Most tornado chasers do not want to die. They simply want to understand the powers and the forces of these behemoth energies. They respect the powers and meanings of nature. They respect the forces of twisters and comprehend the comparisons between their own human energy levels and the levels associated with the storm. They do not even begin to consider controlling the tornado. They do manage themselves in the presence of these powers and forces. Emotional Continuity Management is a lot like being a tornado chaser. It is important to stand by while not being sucked into the vortex of the spin.

How to Manage Emotions

How do you manage the emotions of yourself and others? Emotional Continuity Management is a life-long learning process. People grow and develop over the lifespan and do not stop that process at adolescence . Adult learners can use the following steps to become more effective in finding comfort and pragmatic means to be in the presence of emotions in the workplace or anywhere else. The list of skills to learn are: 1) Know yourself and your feelings, 2) approach emotions with empathy, 3) flow with the motion, 4) avoid judgment, 5) express needs and wants, 6) validate, 7) express hope and gratitude, 8) pause and reflect, 9) move to problem solving, 10) and follow-up.

1. Know Yourself And Your Feelings

   How you feel in a situation contributes to how an emotional communication works or does not work. As a manager, you need to be on top of your own emotional game and not let others feelings take over the situation you are managing. Allowing room for feelings does not mean that feelings run the show. Feelings need to have their say in a situation but need not overwhelm it. Even big or huge feelings can come and go if they are well-managed. Remember that managed does not mean controlled. Managed does not mean denied or exploited. Your emotions matter also, but mostly to you. If you know your own feelings in a situation you can do self-care during or after the emotional situation has been resolved.

   Walter Powers, a psychology professor , taught his students that if they were not aware of their own feelings during a counseling session then they were not doing it correctly. He taught that these inner feelings are excellent tools for both empathetic listening and informative response. If you feel anger, fear, embarrassment, curiosity , satisfaction or any other feeling, you can access this to discover more about the speaker and more about yourself.

2. Approach Emotions With Empathy

   Probably the best term to express how a manager manages the feelings of others is the word empathy. Empathy, according to Marshall Rosenberg, an expert in non-violent communication, is a "respectful understanding of what others are experiencing." If you begin a management situation with empathetic listening to your own feelings and those of another, you begin with respect to all parties. You first allow yourself to respect your own emotions to increase understanding your own experience. Then, find appropriate ways to listen and seek understanding about what others are experiencing. Empathy is respecting both sides of the exchange

3. Flow With The Motion

   Your feelings are on one side of a divide and the speaker is on the other side. This chasm must be crossed for communication to be successful. This separation between you and "them" creates the necessary gap to be present in any discussion of emotions. That gap is a safe place, the demilitarized zone, and the neutral ground where something will happen. It is a breathing space when feelings are big or strong. The gap should not be filled with a wall or attack language. Let the opening occur naturally. Do not rush to close the gap even in the discomfort of a time when there is no understanding. The gap is an open place where feelings can be safely exchanged. Think of a figure eight moving between two people. Imagine the flow moving easily and calmly between the two individuals.

   Conflict starts when one of the individuals places a wall between that empathetic flow or begins attacking. Empathy does not imply agreement, suppression, control, or coopting to a feeling that is not on your side of the figure eight flow. A manager is open to the flow. Great managers encourage it.

4. Avoid Judgment

   In emotional situations, there is a natural tendency to judge the feelings at good or bad. If you do not agree with the emotion or the details of a situation, you may want to control it by making a judgment of its value. Hold your ground and let the flow continue. If it gets personal or attacking, rather than calling it bad or a failure, see that the need of the person communicating is extreme and they are expressing fear that their needs will not be met.

5. Express Needs And Wants

   One of the most important clarifiers in a difficult and emotional conversation is to determine the difference between needs and wants. Needs are requirements and are therefore nonnegotiable. Wants range between slight preferences to extreme desires. Needs and wants are emotionally charged feelings depending on the degree of requirement or preference. We need air. We prefer good smelling air. We need food. We prefer gourmet faire. We need clothing. We prefer comfortable clothes. We desire elegant and expensive labels. We need money. We want a raise. We need money to feed our children. We need a raise.

6. Validate

   Validation confirms and authorizes that a situation is within boundaries and acceptable boundaries. A validating statement sanctions it. Again, this does not mean that you agree or accept the truth of the statement or feelings expressed , but that you, as a leader authorize its presence in the discussion. By neutrally reflecting back to the speaker that they are heard they feel validated . In many cases of conflict or emotional content, this is all that is necessary to solve what may seem like an irresolvable problem. Validating that emotions are okay within certain parameters as defined by company policy, allows the feeling to be ventilated. Ventilation is movement. And movement means change. This may bring up other emotions but does not reflect intractable stagnation in a system.

7. Express Hope and Gratitude

   Current scientific research is confirming that positive language changes molecular structure. Words of positive expectancy and appreciation do not close the process. Managers who fear the process of emotions will usually place a wall here. Individuals who feel the need to control, rather than manage emotions, will use language that stops the flow. Someone who wants to be a tyrant or autocrat, or perhaps even an Emotional Terrorist, will take the opening and exploit it. Stopping emotional communication does not stop emotions from flowing; it merely moves the flow from one place to another. If you want that flow to move elsewhere and create unknown consequences, create a dam. If you want to be in the loop as the manager, then you need to keep the flow open by establishing a sense of future through hopeful language and gratitude. Hope words like trust, anticipate, wish for, and looking forward to, create a sense of future. Future suggests life. No hope and no future imply death. Death is the most emotional thing that humans experience.

8. Pause and Reflect

   Unless there is a life-threatening situation, in which case you would immediately call for backup, dial 911, or implement your emergency plan, a pause to reflect and consider is a very useful tool for managers. Pauses do not imply stoppages. Pauses are bookmarks to return to later. Pauses are brief moments to catch your breath so you are not spun up in someone's emotional tornadoes. When you take a break, define it clearly and honor that time frame. Tell your employee that you are going to take five minutes and will be back to them. Make sure it is five minutes when you return or trust will be broken and emotions will stir up again and will include an additional betrayal. You can also tell someone that you are going to sleep on it, take 24 hours to consider it, or bring it along to the next meeting in two weeks. What is important is to express it as a pause and not an end.

   Reflection on an emotion is not critical thinking or evaluation. Reflection is lighter and gentler. It is a pondering, a consideration, contemplation or musing about something. This is not the time to move into cognitive, intellectual, brainstorming problem solving. This is a time to let the feelings settle down into their most clear form so that what is important stands out. Emotional energy can be chaotic , loud, spinning, and confusing. During a reflection time, you may discover that there was only one important or critical feature expressed, such as fear. Most negative emotions sift down to fear. If you can discover through gentle reflection what the fear may be, you are well on your way to begin problem-solving, because you will be addressing the real issue that created the emotion.

9. Move To Problem Solving

   If you have followed the steps, you are now ready to move your thinking into problem-solving strategies. This is when you can implement a style you are familiar with if it works, or do a transformation activity that will move the problem into a new light. Many managers try to problem-solve by approaching the conflict, running from it, creating a distraction, or using total avoidance . These behaviors are all about fear. Manage your own fear first before trying to manage the fears of others.

   One surprisingly interesting way to problem-solve that you may never have tried is to write poetry about the concern. Poetry writing, besides being therapeutic, moves the thinking from one part of the brain to another location in the brain. You have access to many brain locations. How many do you use? Perhaps you are a manager who goes back to the same old brain location hoping to find a new trick. The standard definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing while hoping for different results. You will still have to come back to the problem using appropriate business and industry-standard approaches based on policy and procedures. But before you move into that place that is familiar, you can explore alternative problem solving strategies that add another dimension to the information. Ann Fry, who pitches herself as the Dean of Fun at Humor University.com, provides her business clients with a pamphlet titled 139 Ways to Lighten up Your Workplace . Franz Metcalf, a Buddhist scholar teamed up with management consultant BJ Gallagher Hateley to apply the Buddha's insights to life on the job with What Would Buddha do at Work: 101 Answers to Workplace Dilemmas . Business texts will provide you with current styles and ideas like Reliability Management: An Overview , by EQE International or The Successful Manager's Handbook from Personnel Decisions.

   Perhaps you want a new role model for problem solving. Study the lives of successful problem-solvers to learn how they did it. Pick someone you admire, real or a fantasy character and explore how their style could be included into yours. If you resonate with the problem-solving styles of historic figures you might enjoy Leadership the Eleanor Roosevelt Way: Timeless Strategies from the First Lady of Courage , by Robin Gerber; Power Plays: Shakespeare's Lessons in Leadership and Management , by John O. Whitney; Patton on Leadership , by Alan Axelrod; Jesus CEO: Using Ancient Wisdom for Visionary Leadership , by Laurie Beth Jones; or, Elizabeth I, CEO , by Alan Axelrod. On the other hand, maybe you want to find a new approach to old problems and need to read Winnie-The-Pooh on Management and Problem Solving , by Roger E. Allen.

   Keep in mind the difference between problems and issues and remember that problems can be solved.

10. Follow-Up

    Check back with all participants to make certain there are not lingering emotions that may spin into tornadoes.

11. Validate

    Using the artificial technique of reflecting back to someone what you think you are hearing may at first feel awkward and "techniquey." That's because it is ” until it becomes natural. Nonetheless, it is crucial to communication that you express something about what you heard and give the speaker an opportunity to clarify and simplify the message they want heard. If you hear someone correctly, according to what they want you to hear, emotions that charge the situation will begin to decrease. Being heard allows people to feel validated and valued. Being not heard leads to increased emotions and violence. It has been said that violence is simply extreme communication. If emotions are escalating, someone is not hearing.

12. Explore options

    It is usually not helpful to problem-solve while emotions are being expressed. Problem-solving or fixing a feeling denies the value of the feeling. Exploring options is about trying to find a way to define what is precisely required or desired to address the specific feeling. When people are engaged in strong emotion, language tends to become vague and fall into words of extremes and demands as the emotional person is struggling with control. Gently helping the speaker to express specifics during this portion of the exchange is validating that you are listening and interested in their needs and wants, will help them move into a more calm and rational part of the brain where problem-solving can be seen as an option, and find real actions to solve real problems.

Emotional Continuity Management Transformation

Communication expertise is critical to managing the full range of emotions at the workplace. Most managers can handle annoyances and pet peeves, disappointments and minor disgruntlements. The more extreme emotions demand more skills. Violence can come loudly in bombs and guns and it can tiptoe in on quiet paws. Disaster can aggressively explode into your face or subtly disembowel your spirit through passive violence. Arun Gandhi, the granddaughter of M. K. Gandhi suggests in the forward to Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life , that it is the positive within yourself that emerges as the alternative antidote to selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious and aggressive attitudes. As long as the world sees corporate communications and demonstrations as nonpersonal and ruthless attempts to reach a bottom line, managers will have a daunting challenge to face into the winds and tornadoes of chaos with personal grounding . Some people run to the storm cellar when the slightest breeze comes. Others chase tornadoes with a resounding "bring it on" attitude.

Whatever your style and whatever winds you must face, it will serve you well and it will affirm your employees to take time to consider how you want to manage your life inside and outside the workplace and to do the hard work for personal transformation. Communication can be cooperative or life-threatening; it is up to you now to make the difference at work. You are the leadership. Louise Diamond writes in her book The Courage for Peace , "Whereas previously companies were arranged in separate, isolated, and even competitive departments, the necessities of a global market require that different parts of a single company work together seamlessly." The notion that working together can be seamless, effortless, smooth, and fluid may seem an unreachable goal for managers. Perhaps it is. But how will you know how far you can go, how much you can transform and reinvent yourself unless you "bring it on" and go for your best?

Transformative people see things differently. They see the small detail and the big picture. They find a way to combine science, art, and action in ways that inform and affirm. Einstein suggested that all that science really consisted of was everyday thought that had been refined. Refining, transforming, fine-tuning, adjusting and creating new ways to solve old problems is the hope of the global consciousness and subsequently the global marketplace. M.K. Gandhi said we must be the change we want to see in the world. Think about your favorite manager. Think about your favorite person. How would you combine the attributes of these people into a composite "you" who is the innovative management professional?

Personal Transformation as a Positive Business Change

Personal transformation is a process of change. It implies that this conversion is positive and life-enhancing. Although some people can transform themselves into monsters and villains , positive transformation can lead human beings to rise to the highest potentials. Many people believe now that corporate thinking is descending into its lowest potentials, and for some organizations this is true. Others are making deep and abiding efforts to lift themselves and their colleagues up to standards that are individually enhancing and globally conscious.

Relearning something that has become a habit is hard work. Relearning at work is very hard work. Many people just want to put in their time and get home to their "real lives." Transformation means finding more than just the old, standby way to approach a problem. Many challenges are approached with the two instinctive standby options of fight or flight. Transformative thinking can dissolve obstacles rather than feeling fear or the need to increase force. Instead of pushing against an obstacle, running from it, trying to circumvent it, or standing in the front of it wanting to move forward to resolution and increasing your frustration, try something different. Try to see yourself becoming a light that dissolves through the obstacle to arrive on the other side. Transform your obstacles into pets and put hats on them. Transform your fear into humor.

It may take a few attempts to transform your old thinking into new ideas. As you stand in front of your obstacle, take a moment to look through the blockage to see what kind of manager you really want to be. Take a deep breath and be that person now. When you have done this, you have transformed an obstacle into a gateway.

Personal transformation and communication are topics that most managers understand as essential to excellence in management. Clarity in communication is vital when working with the emotions of employees. Personal transformation goes with growth and change. Workshops on communication skill building are available and plentiful. Trainings in personal transformation are abundant. If your organization does not support your communication and personal growth you will have to read books on your own, pay for workshops out of your own pocket, and advocate for training from nontraditional sources in order to develop a breadth and depth to your skill set.

Case Example

Charolette Anne was given an opportunity to have an individual meeting with the Emotional Business Continuity consultant prior to termination. She was 29 years old, a mother of three, wife, and an overwhelmed manager in a medical facility overseeing eight employees who were making an increasing number of errors. She said that her team was "acting like spoiled toddlers" and it was obvious that her skills as a mother were not serving her well in a management position. Charolette Anne reported that she had been recruited from within the ranks and had not had any training for management other than being told how bad she was doing it. The consultant asked her if she wanted to continue as a manager and she said, "Yes, I think I do. But I also love the front line work and always jump into it when I see someone making an error! And then no one likes me." With encouragement and individual consultations over a three-month period, Charolette Anne began to self-advocate for some professional management training. Although her bosses were fairly tight with training dollars the consultant suggested that the investment would be sound and so they found a low-cost, generic management skills seminar. They spent approximately $59.00 on management training.

Charolette Anne came away from her very first training session with a sense of normalization about her young age, developmental level, management skills-set, human emotions, and professional ambiguity. She learned that the ambiguous nature of management was the domain of being between the holders of powers and the line workers. She came to understand that management was like an island and she had no peers. With this insight she stopped feeling powerless, stopped trying to "make friends," and came into her own style of management. She began trying new ideas and dealing well with mistakes and false starts. A natural good humor evolved as she saw her team more like employees than naughty children. She tried creative ideas that she learned at the training and began to develop peer relationships within a manager's support group. She reinvested her energies, moved away from her annoying micro-management style, saw her team settle down, and became more confident in her position and in her personal power. This transformation spilled over to her personal life as her relationships and personal health improved. She began reading more. The company invested approximately $475 dollars on this employee, who was the 5th manager in three years that they had been considering firing for lack of skills.

 

Case Example

Stuart was 59 years old and didn't want to change any habits. He was tired and just wanted to retire. When the printing company went from old-style presses to computers he became increasingly depressed and anxious. His health began to waiver . He talked openly about being close to retirement so didn't believe he needed to change. Leaning heavily on his future retirement fund as his upcoming financial cushion he trudged along bitterly toward his birthday as he became sicker and sicker. His work, which depended heavily on the physical stamina of being on his feet most of the day and good eyesight, was suffering as his strength began to diminish and his vision was suddenly impaired. He lost eyesight in his left eye and had emergency surgery to remove the lens. He was then fitted for new glasses to compensate because he refused to try wearing contact lenses. Three weeks before retirement he was hospitalized with a small stroke. He recovered and returned to work in time to retire. He received a small certificate for 30 years of service. He went home. The following month the company that managed his retirement fund collapsed and went bankrupt and Stuart lost his retirement completely. With nothing to fall back on he lost hope. Within two years he passed away.

Mary Lee was 55 years old and didn't want to change any habits. She was tired and just wanted to retire on her last husband's retirement fund. When the restaurant she had worked for during the last 20 years became an espresso bar she realized she might have to change some habits. Her health began to waiver and so she consulted with some experts and decided she needed to make some personal transformations. Where once she talked openly about being close to retirement she now began thinking of starting over. She went to a local college and asked for some advice, called friends, started reading, and began rethinking her life. She leaned heavily on her ex-husband's future retirement fund as her future cushion now became an anchor and not a sail. She began working out and bought a bicycle. Her health improved. She lost weight and got stronger. Her work, which depended heavily on the physical stamina of being on her feet most of the day, got easier. She liked learning about the new coffee equipment. She had a talent for it. She decided she might try doing other new things and took on a challenge and goal that she had fantasized about for her entire life, and became a firefighter. She took training and became an Emergency Medical Responder, learned to drive the "big-rig" and to fight wilderness fires. Her body got stronger and she was having a ball. She took on another job working with young children. When she left the restaurant there was a front-page photo of her celebrating her enormous contribution to the community. Shortly after this she discovered that the fantasy retirement fund had never existed. She laughed and rearranged her finances and began remodeling her home. With nothing to fall back on, Mary Lee found hope in her spiritual journey, her own strength, her friends, her own competency and creativity, and found that her life was just taking off!

 

Case Example

Lily was 84 when she passed away. She was working up to the last two weeks before her death from lymphatic cancer. Her philosophy was that life was wonderful! She was a medical coder at a hospital and trained the "new kids" when they were hired . Once she complained that she was late to work because her "hip was hurting." Of course at 83 one would expect a few (or more) creaks and groans. When asked what was going on with her hip she replied, "Oh, I was swinging on a rope across a creek with my grandson and hit a shrub and bruised my hip." Her retirement party was a gala event and she wore a red dress.

Learning Byte

Transformation is either creative and moving toward life-affirming qualities, or destructive and moving toward death affirming qualities. Positive transformation is usually considered a value-added element of humans in general and employees in specific. Becoming a Transformative Manager means you encourage your people to grow and become all they can become within the framework of their given situation. And you do the same thing for yourself.

DO THIS : Explore your own personal transformation plan. Who do you want to be when you grow up?

DON'T : Ever stop transforming and reinventing yourself on a regular basis.

 

How to Become a Transformative Manager: Change Your Thinking and Take Action

• Find five new ways to approach any challenge

• If you can already think of five, go for ten

• Become a professional peace builder

• Read two texts on peace making

• Start your day with a life-affirming "bring it on" attitude

• Begin your day with a positive affirming statement

• Learn to be playful

• Put a small toy in your pocket (only you will know it is there)

• See your work as service

• Work can become a humanitarian process when you enjoy service

• Take the growth and become more

• Think of three difficulties you have had a how you have learned from them

• Shift your thinking

• Add a visual, auditory, kinesthetic , or tactile application to your problem-solving

• Practice new skills

• Pick a skill you are not good at yet and exercise it until you are much better

• Assist people to be more

• Encouraging people is a gift you give yourself. See potential

• Make new choices

• Take something on or let something go

• Find a personal balance

• Keep physical, emotional, spiritual and mental dynamics in equal proportions

• Use situations for creativity

• Bring art into your work, bring art into your workplace

• Open up your heart and mind

• Compassion and Intelligence are not mutually exclusive. Offer yourself.

• Accept people and situations as they are

• If this is the best it's going to get, find some peace and move on

• Hone your leadership skills

• Explore your relationship with your personal power and your presentation

• Become an icon or light in the darkness

• Add a positive dimension whenever it is appropriate

• Dream of better ways

• Read a biography of a dreamer

• Use work for spiritual growth

• Find a spiritual discipline of your choice and practice it

• Increase empowerment for yourself and others

• Encourage yourself and others to take new risks and challenges

• Plant seeds and be a kind gardener

• Be patient in the presence of change and growth. Nurture it.

• Be an inspiration

• Young people watch you to see a future. Older people watch to see hope for the future

• Let go of your opinions

• Remind yourself that it is impossible to be correct 100% of the time

• Wait

• Balance movement and non-movement times and use pauses to rest and reflect

• Believe

• Have more faith than fear

• Allow yourself to remain sensitive

• Remember the end game is usually about people

• Increase your empathy

• Make connections with people

• Soften your ego

• Big egos belong to frightened people, so become fearless

• Think highest order thoughts and ideals

• Maintain highest order ethics because you are a leader

• Think in terms of possibilities

• Air travel was a crazy idea to all but a handful of people only a few years ago

• See your work as sacred

• Revere what you do as a contribution and see the whole in the parts

• Become who it is you want to be

• Do what you have to do to continue growing as a human being

Emotional Continuity Management Action Points

When you are confronted by an emotion, how do you manage it? If you understand that all positive emotions are based in faith in something, and all negative emotions are based in loss of faith in something ” and thus fear ” you can always approach negative emotions as a simple statement of fear. When you find out what the fear is, real or perceived, you can solve the dilemma without strong emotions. Fear is at the base of all negative emotion. Do not add to that fear.

Find five new ways to approach any emotion:

1. Peacefully,

2. Quietly,

3. Neutrally,

4. Gratefully,

5. Hopefully,

6. or

7. or

8. or

9. or

10. or

• Become a professional peace-builder.

• Invite a professional mediator to help bring conflict to resolution.

• Have a conflict resolution professional or volunteer give a training on anger management.

• Start your day with a life-affirming "bring-it-on" hope.

• I can face emotions from a place of hope and affirmation.

• I am ready to face what this day brings .

• I am facing this persons emotions peacefully and neutrally.

• Learn to be playful.

• See the emotion in your presence as a cartoon critter that wants to be heard.

• Ask the person with the emotion to draw a picture of their opinion so you can be more understanding.

• Make a bulletin board for feeling art that has anonymous drawings of appropriate expressions of emotion.

• Have children of your employees do art for the office expressing feelings with crayons.

• See your work as service

• Face the emotion from a place of serving someone who has a need.

• Encourage clear expressions of their needs followed by a specific request.

• Take the growth and become more.

• Use an "I" statement to disclose a safe amount of personal information.

• Share a growth story about someone you know.

• Shift your thinking.

• Express gratitude for an emotional expression.

• Explore how an emotion offers a contribution to the work site environment.

• Practice new skills.

• Breathe slowly as the emotion is being presented.

• Stand or sit with good posture as you are listening.

• Do not let the energy of someone else's emotions enter your DNA or move into your heart. Be Teflon and not Velcro.

• Assist people to be more.

• Ask the person with the emotion how you can help them use this feeling to energize, enhance, grow, develop or create more and better ideas.

• Make new choices.

• Say no to bad timing of emotional sharing.

• Find a personal balance.

• Help employees recalibrate their emotions by supporting both expression and balance.

• Use situations for creativity.

• Use conflict to help employees explore art expressions. They can write poetry, pain, scrapbook, make music, dance or find other outlets. Some offices make cookbooks. Other offices create self-published scrapbooks and historical archives. Art can be therapeutic.

• Bring music into your workplace.

• Open up your heart and mind.

• While you are listening to the emotions of others, it is appropriate and helpful to feel your own feelings. You can use these feelings for intuitive comments.

• Accept people and situations as they are.

• Say thank you.

• Do not fight and struggle every emotion that comes your way. Some emotions pass quickly.

• Determine if this person has the capacity to grow or if they are at their maximum professional, intellectual, emotional, physical development.

• Hone your leadership skills.

• Learn to use non-violent language.

• Increase your assertiveness skills.

• Get a coach.

• Become a coach.

• Become an icon or light in the darkness.

• Use positive words.

• Smile pleasantly or gently with open eyes and raised head. Stand in good posture.

• While you listen to the feelings given you, indicate that you are interested and listening. Present an image of hope in the presence of the fear of someone else.

• Dream of better ways.

• Ask the person with the emotion about their dreams of better situations.

• Find out who originated your company and industry. What was their dream?

• Use work for spiritual growth.

• In the face of an emotion you can:

  • Be courteous

  • Be kind

  • Be loving

  • Be calm

  • Be compassionate

  • Be pleasant

  • Be good humored

  • Be open

  • Be gentle

  • Be awake

• Increase empowerment for yourself and others.

• Use positive, non-violent, affirming words and gestures.

• Plant seeds and be a kind gardener.

• Unless there is a life-threatening situation there is no hurry, so model calmness.

• Be an inspiration.

• Share a little of your story if it will help close a gap between people as a bridge to understanding.

• Let go of your opinions.

• Say, "You might be right, I'll reconsider it."

• Say, "You might be right, let me get back to you after I think about it."

• Say, "I have a very different opinion of this, yet I am interested in thinking beyond my own opinion. Perhaps there is more to this."

• Say, "I have a very different opinion of this. I doubt if I will change my opinion on this issue, but let's put all the opinions on the table and see what it looks like then. I may never swallow your opinion, but having your opinion on the table does not threaten mine, and who knows, maybe one of us can see something we haven't seen before. And if not, we can feel good about trying."

• Wait.

• Suggest a brief break or moratorium that still honors any urgent emotions needs.

• Usually emotions change over a few hours. Ask the person with the emotion to share it in less than five sentences, and then you will take a short break and come back to it. Honor the exact timing of the break and even if you can only hear five more sentences, it will be progress and things may have changed. Waiting is not postponing, delaying, avoiding or procrastinating. Be clear and exact about how long the emotional person will have to wait.

• Believe.

• Tell an emotional person that you are willing to believe them. Explain that as the manager, you will not be able to just leave it there, but that you will start all assessments with belief.

• Allow yourself to remain sensitive.

• Listening with an open heart is difficult if it is breaking or fearful but you do not need to be a machine to be a good manager.

• Tears do not discredit you. Weeping and gnashing of your teeth and throwing yourself into a puddle of person for hours will generally discredit your position of leadership.

• Great leaders do not fear a few personal tears.

• Increase your empathy.

• Be present in the moment.

• Listen slowly.

• Speak slowly.

• Ask if you are really on track with what is being shared.

• Soften your ego.

• Since you know it is okay to be wrong and human to make errors, your voice tone and attitude should reflect your willingness to learn from every situation.

• Think highest-order thoughts and ideals.

• Ask your emotional person what highest order vision they are having difficulty maintaining in this situation.

• Ask for their ideal solution.

• Tell them you will consider it as one of the possible approaches to the problem.

• Think in terms of possibilities.

• Encourage an employee sharing emotions to help you problem-solve.

• Let them know that you are the manager and are open to any and all ideas, even the most outlandish. This is called research.

• See your work as sacred.

• Do not see the emotion as the person. Human beings are either precious to you or they are expendable. If they are expendable, rethink your career.

More Tips for Managing Emotions

There is no universal standard to Emotional Continuity Management. The following list shows guidelines and not rules:

• Calm thoughts create calm actions

  You can handle this, you are a grownup and not a child.

  There will be a beginning, middle and end to this incident.

• Picture it

  Visualize a calm place where you feel safe. Do this for as long as possible before responding. Even five seconds of a calm image will help your brain respond with calming chemicals rather than anxiety chemicals. The brain is a pharmacy and you give it the prescription for anxiety or calm.

• Breathe, Breathe, Breathe

  Deep slow breaths through the nose and down to the belly. Release the breath slowly to the count of five. Begin again and repeat until settled.

• Do a Body Check-in

  Are you sweating, chewing your lip, tapping your foot, pacing, breathing shallowly, and talking rapidly ?

• Pacing Exercises

  Pace yourself with a walk, writing, drawing, a trip to the restroom or water cooler , a moment outdoors, stretching, or resting quietly alone for a few moments.

• Big Picture

  Remember your big-picture mission and the fact that you decided to be a manager ” so you are not a victim of this moment, it was and is a choice.

• Remember

  Feelings matter mostly to the person having them. Honor this unless you are physically unsafe. If unsafe, call 911.

• Listen

  People usually escalate their emotions when they believe they are not being heard. There is one theory that violence is simply extreme communication

• Calm voice

  In a duress situation, do not use a fake calm voice. That behavior may be perceived as condescending and create more stress. It can also imply that there is some other "secret" information that you have that the others do not have. However, try to soften the edges of your voice tone and slightly decrease the volume to model calmness.

• Gestures

  Move a bit more slowly, with less movement and gesturing. Some people read gestures at threats and may misinterpret your body as an attack.

• Know your Resources

  Know your resources!

• Don't be Stupid or Bulletproof

  Do not put yourself in an isolated, dangerous, unprotected , or risky situation or location.

• Postpone

  It is very appropriate to postpone discussions when they get too hot or overwhelming. The trick to this is to state clearly your intention to continue and define the exact time that continuation can occur if both parties are open at that time.

• No is Okay

  Saying no is okay. Saying no twice is still okay. If you are forced to say no again to make your point, the situation is escalating .

• Take care

  Do good self-care after an Emotional Continuity Management process.