Dealing with our ego

Each of us has an ego, a part of our psyche that desperately wants to help us. We probably cannot go an hour without our ego making judgements for us, whether it is accepting praise or choosing to tune out when we are in danger of hearing something that may upset us.

I recently had to give a talk on the topic of ˜ego-less leadership and for two weeks leading up to this talk I really noticed how my ego was affecting my life. It was a fascinating experience and I must say it changed me for ever. I discovered how quickly my ego hijacked my learning and thinking, even when it was not in my best interest to do so. In doing my research I came across a quote from Alan Watts that helped shape my thinking for this presentation. He said in 1966 in The Book on the Taboo against Knowing Who You Are , that we have created a false illusion of a human being and are aware of ourselves as only ego inside ˜bags of skin .

The problem with an ego is that it can stop us from discovering important lessons in life. The first point is that we choose to be hurt when someone confronts our point of view or questions what we are doing. Often our natural response is to become defensive and not hear the feedback. This personalization also extends to good news when we can gloat over what nice things are being said about us. The real test is to remove ourselves from the equation and discover the important lessons that lie behind the feedback we are receiving.

I noticed this again when I attended a training session by an expert in knowledge management. Although the content was marvellous, it was obvious that many of the participants had some difficulty coming to terms with the material. Instead of using the resistance as an opportunity to learn more, the presenter chose to bulldoze on and present his material regardless. During the lunch break when I brought this to his attention, his ego took over and he disregarded my feedback. He clearly wanted to be seen as an expert and as the holder of all wisdom, and was not prepared to compromise his approach. Then as the training session progressed into the afternoon, a clear polarization of learners began to surface. Some people, of course, felt the style and delivery was satisfactory but others felt quite alienated and frustrated. The real shame was that the ego of the presenter had got in the way. Had he demonstrated greater flexibility most likely the outcome from the training course would have been a lot better for more people.

This story leads to the second point, that our ego can paralyse our thinking and we can become attached to an idea, opinion or outcome. If our view is questioned or attacked we can choose to be hostile or wounded. Again such blocking and filtering does not help us to grow. We need to allow ourselves the freedom to hear and discuss a diverse range of opinions and not let our ego take a premature exit from what is being discussed.

We commonly see how ego wants to win out when people fall into a trap of ˜if only thinking. For example, ˜if only this person would agree with me, or ˜if only someone understood . Such craving or attachment is directly related to our ego s desire to control. We often see this when managers try to lead or coach their staff, resulting in a style that is more about telling and compliance rather than exploring different avenues and viewpoints. The sad consequences are often an impasse where nobody wins or progresses.

In business a common cause of failure is arrogance. People fall into the trap of being too confident about their ability or too caught up in their success. This includes an attitude of invincibility leading to a serious loss of rapport with customers, staff and the marketplace . This ego-driven arrogance has enormous repercussions in winning the knowledge game and business success. If you feel you know everything it is very difficult to make progress. As John Matthews, a consultant in executive coaching, reminded me recently, if someone is sleeping you can wake them up, but if they are pretending to sleep you will never wake them up.

So what should you do about arrogance? As a general principle we must always seek to improve, irrespective of how well you feel you are doing. It is only then that you will have the openness of mind to discover new perspective and learn from your mistakes. To help you avoid arrogance consider the following five points:

• Hold a six monthly review of your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

• Assume your competitors are clever and competent.

• Listen and take action based on regular consultation with customers and key partners such as staff, managers and trade unions.

• Undertake regular industry visits and attend conferences to discover new insights.

• Read widely and learn broadly.

Of course, our ego is only half the equation. We have to adapt to other people s egos as well! We must understand where our ego is a factor as well as the other person s. We need to have trust and faith in the process of listening and sharing knowledge. This personal commitment of two-way rapport is essential if we are to be successful in passing the final test of winning the knowledge game.

Here are seven tips to help get past the hidden tiger of our ego:

• Rapport is everything! Get to know the other person s story and needs first.

• Paraphrase not only what they are saying, but how they might be feeling and thinking.

• Confirm common ground and areas of acceptance. Issues are rarely black and white, so be prepared to be surprised.

• Offer to help them by providing better information, resources or tools.

• Use neutral language without laying blame. Give feedback without upsetting or overly gratifying the ego.

• Clarify your views and feelings. Ask them to repeat back what you have said and how you might be feeling.

• Always thank them for granting you the opportunity to have the conversation.