Think Family Leadership

Think “Family Leadership”

As you consider your family role, we also recommend that you learn to think in terms of “family leadership”—in terms of your unique opportunity to influence and nurture the members of your family in the principles that have created strong, joyful families and societies throughout time.

While all family members—spouses, parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins—have the opportunity to contribute in this way, we suggest that the most important ingredient of a successful family is the leadership exercised by parents. Thus:

Family leadership—especially leadership exercised by parents—is one of the defining activities of the human experience.^[15]

Why? Because it powerfully shapes how the next generation sees family, what they do in their current and future families, and the results they will get.

In terms of family leadership, parents have four basic roles:

• To provide the basic necessities of life—physical, social, emotional, and spiritual

• To protect family members from physical, social, and emotional harm

• To nurture family members in love and kindness

• To teach family members the principles and values that empower them to have rich, rewarding relationships and joyful, fulfilling lives

In two-parent homes, while one parent may take the prime responsibility for fulfilling one role or another, truly effective parents will fully support each other in their roles as equal partners. Single parents can proactively secure help from close friends, extended family members, or church or community support groups in fulfilling these essential roles.

In Chapter 3, “Work Matters,” we focused primarily on the providing role. In the remainder of this chapter we’ll focus on eight key optimizers that will help you protect, nurture, and teach family members in ways that create joy at home and prepare children to fulfill their adult roles with balance and peace.

As you consider these ideas, keep in mind that they represent a smorgasbord. Only one or two may be right for you in your current situation. Some may spark other ideas of ways you can even more effectively implement the principles involved. The point is to use your navigational intelligence and focus on the optimizers that will create the best possible results in your situation.

Optimizer 1: Create a Family Mission Statement

One of the most effective family leadership activities is to create a sense of shared vision and values in the minds and hearts of all family members. And one of the best ways to do that is to create a family mission statement.

A family mission statement does the same thing for a family that a personal mission statement does for an individual. It clarifies the fundamental heart-set. It gives a sense of identity and purpose. And from that, almost everything else in the family flows.

When there’s no shared vision, family members essentially go their own separate ways, operating out of their individual values and agendas. Work done by parents is unrecognized and unappreciated. Family resources (time and money) are spent arbitrarily, creating resentment and misunderstanding. Individual family members’ priorities are not shared with others in the family. There’s no understanding of the value of or real agreement concerning family chores.

But when there is shared vision—when the family is of one heart and one mind—the situation is reversed. Family members see and understand the purpose and supreme importance of the family. Each individual sees how his or her role helps to fulfill that shared purpose. Solutions to challenges and concerns engage the creativity and support of all. Decisions concerning time and money—the communicators of value—are agreed upon and made together.

Keep in mind: The way the family sees is at the root of what the family does and the results the family gets.The key is to work together until there’s unity in the way the family sees. And the process is as important as the product. As family members talk together, share feelings and ideas, work through different concerns and viewpoints, they eventually come up with something everyone buys into.

It sometimes takes weeks—even months—of talking and thinking and talking . . . again and again. But the very process brings family members closer. It opens doors of communication. It touches and draws out the deepest desires and feelings of each family member. It refines and clarifies vision. The final result can take almost any shape: a written document, a poem, a piece of artwork, or a song— whatever captures the essence of your family and enables you to keep it constantly before you.

Over the years, the two of us have made several attempts to capture the vision we wanted to govern our family life. When we were engaged, we ran across some beautiful words of counsel we decided to adopt as a sort of marriage mission statement—though we didn’t think of it as such at the time. Since the early months of our married life, those words have hung on our bedroom wall and have helped us to interact in ways that are consistent with the deepest desires of our hearts.

“You two . . . build your own quiet world.” All things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not something to be treated indifferently or abused, or something that simply takes care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to deteriorate. All things need attention, care, and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life. It isn’t difficult to prove that . . . none of us is perfect. When we seek to find fault, there is much fault to find. And in marriage as in all else, unkind fault-finding can be destructive. “In the first solitary hour,” said an unknown writer, “ . . . promise each other sacredly, never, not even in jest, to wrangle with each other, never . . . indulge in the least ill-humor . . . Next, promise each other, sincerely and solemnly, never to keep a secret from each other, under whatever pretext, and whatever excuse it might be. You must continually, and every moment, see clearly into each other’s [hearts]. Even when one of you has committed a fault . . . confess it. And as you keep nothing from each other, so, on the contrary, preserve the privacies of your house . . . [your] marriage . . . [your] heart, from . . . [all others], from all the world. You two, with God’s help, build your own quiet world . . . [Let no] party stand between you two . . . Promise this to each other . . .Your souls will grow . . . to each other, and at last will become as one.” Remember to build each other up, to strengthen and sustain, to keep companionship lovely and alive. Remember dignity and respect; understanding; not expecting perfection; a sense of humor and a sense of what is sacred and serious; common purposes, common convictions, and the character to stay with a bargain, to keep a covenant—in these are the makings of a good and solid marriage. Remember “patience, persuasion, gentleness, kindness, and love unfeigned, without hypocrisy and without guile, that you may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.” Every marriage has a right to this. “You two, with God’s help, build your own quiet world.”
Richard L. Evans^[16]

This statement was—and continues to be—a wonderful strength in our marriage.

As our children grew, however, we began to realize that we needed something more—something that captured a vision of the kind of family we wanted to be. After several unsuccessful attempts to create such a statement on our own, we finally realized the children needed to be involved.

At that time, some of our children were teenagers, some were quite young, and some were in between. The challenge we faced was figuring out how we could involve each of them in the creation of our family mission.

We decided to begin by asking some simple questions during family dinner and at our weekly family time.

“What do you like best about being a family?”

“When do you think we have the most fun?”

“What do you think our most important family values should be?”

Sometimes, the discussion lasted no more than a few minutes. Sometimes, the children were enthusiastic. Sometimes, nobody said much. But we kept coming back to it and asking the questions.

Finally, we took everyone’s ideas, condensed them, edited them, and came up with a statement containing the values and principles we wanted to build our family around.

It’s impossible in this book to tap into the power of a family mission statement. But we can tell you that our own statement has been one of the most significant, bonding, unifying, positive factors in our family for many years. It has been the subject of many family discussions. It has provided the foundation for teaching our children many things about character and interdependence. It has served as the standard against which individual and family decisions have been evaluated and made. It has been an anchor for our family in the midst of many storms.

Our Family Mission

To love each other . . .

To help each other . . .

To believe in each other . . .

To wisely use our time, talents, and resources to bless others . . .

To worship together . . .

Forever.

As several of our children have married and created families of their own, this statement has been reexamined by the entire family— including our children’s spouses—and still found to express the values we choose to live by as an extended family. At our annual family reunions, we display it on a poster. We renew our under- standing of and commitment to it. We teach it to the grandchildren and sing songs together that capture the various points in it. It has become the standard that has pulled all extended family members together in a sense of shared vision.^[17]

Optimizer 2: Have a Weekly “Family Time”

Many major family-connected organizations today, from churches to government agencies, promote some kind of regular focused “family time.” People have begun to realize that when families don’t spend quality time together on a consistent basis, things begin to fall apart.

In the past, and in many cultures around the world, the idea of having to make time to be together would be considered ludicrous. Being together as families was and is a huge and natural part of life, and to even suggest otherwise would seem to border on the absurd.

But in today’s society—particularly in the Western world— creating time together is a real challenge. Even the traditionally sacred family dinner hour is now subject to fast food establishments, television programming, children’s sports activities, and late work assignments. It takes a solid, proactive effort to gather the family to create even a little time together on a regular basis.

There is great wisdom in making dinnertime a high family priority. It’s a natural time to talk and share, to provide emotional as well as physical nourishment for family members on a daily basis.

In addition, many families find great value in scheduling a week- ly family time. This is something we’ve felt very strongly about in our own family. Almost without exception, throughout our married life we have scheduled a special time every Monday night to be together. We play games, sing songs, discuss important topics, have a treat, and occasionally enjoy an activity outside the home, such as going bowling, watching a fun family movie or play, or attending a game or concert in which a family member has part. Over the years, we have found this family time to be a significant facilitator of family bonding, communication, coordination, teamwork, and stability.

Now, with four married children and a university student living away from home, we also schedule an extended family time when we can all be together once a month. We have a dinner and a sharing time and have fun watching the grandchildren interact. At the moment, we’re fortunate to have everyone in the family living so close. But we realize this may not always be the case. We’re grateful that with modern technology it’s possible to have quality extended family interaction via phone, the Internet, and, of course, annual family reunions—even when family members live far away.

Consistently having a regular family time is not easy. Scheduling conflicts, fatigue, and preoccupied or grouchy children sometimes create problems that can make you wonder if it’s worth the effort. But we’re absolutely convinced that it is. Over the years, this high quality time together becomes something family members look forward to. It also produces patterns and values that equip children to live happy, productive, and balanced lives of their own.

Of course, the best time to start is when children are young. Then they grow up enjoying and anticipating a quality weekly time together. If children are older, it’s usually best to work into it gently. Sometimes it’s enough to just get together to have a treat, and to consider anything else that happens as a bonus.

The most important thing is to keep trying and never give up. Often, it’s faith in the positive outcome that makes the positive out- come happen.

Optimizer 3: Date Your Mate

It’s been said that the most important thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse.That’s because the health of the marriage affects everything else in the family, and the example of the marriage affects marriages and families for generations to come.

In today’s world, the responsibilities and pressures associated with jobs, home management and maintenance, professional development, community responsibilities—and, ironically, even the children themselves—often seem to leave little time for real marital togetherness. So in our society, if you want it to happen, you have to be proactive and make it happen.

We’ve found two ways that seem to work well for many people, including us: weekly dates and semiannual retreats.

Weekly Dates

When we were engaged, we were influenced by a wonderful couple in their 90s who had been happily married for more than 70 years. We learned that one of the things they did to keep their marriage vibrant and growing was to go on a date with each other every week.

We thought that sounded like a great idea . . . and it is! Over the years, our weekly date has been one of the highlights of our married life. We’ve loved going out to dinner, movies, plays, lectures, or other activities we both enjoy. When the budget’s been tight, we’ve enjoyed going for a walk, sharing a frozen yogurt treat, or just spending uninterrupted time together at home.

Through years of raising children, intense work schedules, and community service, our Friday night dates have been one of the major renewing elements of our relationship. Our married children, who have also adopted this practice, tell us it’s proved to be a lifeline for them as well.

In our minds, dating before marriage was okay. But dating each other after marriage is an absolute necessity! And when schedules are hectic, money is tight, or problems seem overwhelming is usually when we need it the most.

Weekly mate dates are a great way to renew love and commitment. It’s amazing how much better you can face the challenges of the week when you have Friday night together to look forward to.

Semiannual Retreats

Also over the years, we’ve discovered the power of a semiannual megadate or “retreat.” Twice a year we try to take a few days and go someplace where we can have time to ourselves. We usually plan adequate, uninterrupted time to accomplish several important things:

• Have fun. Go fishing or hiking. Go to movies or plays. Enjoy some quiet time together.

• Review the past six months.

• Plan and agree on goals for the next six months.

• Discuss our individual needs and growth and our relationship.

• Talk about the children and determine what we can do to nurture, encourage, and support each one.

This wonderful, renewing time together has significantly increased our sense of unity and shared purpose. And even though we’ve had to leave our children at home with extended family members to make these quality investments in our relationship, we feel they’ve made a significant difference in our ability to cope with family problems and give our children a healthy, happy anticipation of what a marriage relationship can be.

Optimizer 4: Have “Sneak-Ins” and “Sneak-Outs”

One of the most enjoyable traditions we’ve had in our family is having “sneak-ins” and “sneak-outs” with our children. We’ve been doing it for years, and we don’t even remember how these occasions came by their name.

A “sneak” time is one-on-one time with a parent and a child. If it’s “in,” that means it’s at home—watching a video, playing a game, or doing a project together. If it’s “out,” that means it’s out of the house. It could be a short activity, such as going out to eat, seeing a movie or a play, going shopping or playing a round of golf. Or it could be an overnighter—camping out in the mountains or enjoying the amenities of staying in a hotel in a nearby city.

We’ve also created traditions of taking the children on major sneak- outs twice during their growing-up years—during the summer they turn 14 and when they graduate from high school. Sneak-outs for 14-year-olds have included river rafting, backpacking, fishing in Alaska, enjoying the beach in southern California, and seeing Broadway plays and American history sites. Graduation trips have included a university sponsored travel study program in the United States, a trip to Europe, and a canoe adventure down the Colorado River.

Before you start adding up the cost, you need to understand that most of these trips have been unbelievably inexpensive. Due to special promotions, a week at a California beach condo cost 50 cents (for a phone call), and our son’s ticket to Europe was free. By planning ahead and watching for special deals, we’ve been able to take advantage of frequent flier miles and special promotions.

The one-on-one time between parent and child really says, “I love you. I enjoy spending time with you.” It creates pathways of communication and camaraderie that spill over into the whole relationship, eliminating some of the typical parent/child challenges and making others much easier to deal with.

And besides all that, it’s fun! You learn a lot about your kids. It’s great when your family members are your best friends.

Optimizer 5: Hold Regular “Parent Chats”

While sneak-ins and sneak-outs focus on building friendships with our children, “parent chats” focus on strengthening our role and relationship with them as their parent.

Parent chats basically involve interaction around two questions:

• What are you working on?

• What can we do to help?

These questions accomplish some very important things. First, they imply that the child ought to be working on something. And second, they define the role of the parent: “I am not your boss or dictator. I’m here to help.”

If you start parent chats when children are small, they will look forward to them as the years go by.

You might ask your five year-old daughter, “What are you working on?”

“Um ...I dunno.”

“Well, what do you think you ought to be working on?”

The very question creates the expectation that we should all always be working on something.

“Um ...I guess putting my toys away.”

“Great! What can I do to help?”

“Put my toys away.”

“No, but I can help you put your toys away.”

“Okay.”

So you go put toys away together. Your daughter learns that she is responsible to be working, and that you—her parent—are a source of help.

As she gets older, the conversation changes.

“What are you working on?”

“Getting good grades” or, “Learning how to drive” or, “Getting a job.”

“What can I do to help?”

It may be helping her with her homework, taking her to practice driving in the high school parking lot, or going through the “Help Wanted” section of the newspaper together.

As the ability to think longer-term increases, you may find it helpful to use these opportunities to set up and review a parent/ daughter win-win agreement or success plan.^[18] In such an agreement, you (the parent) agree to do certain things—provide room, board, health insurance, nutritious meals, a car to drive, lots of “TLC.” She (the child) agrees to do certain things—take care of her possessions, fulfill certain home responsibilities, contribute to the family through her attitude and actions.

Weekly or monthly, during your “parent chat,” you can review the agreement and let her assess how well she and you are doing. Talk over any problems. Work out any issues. If you provide a spending or clothing allowance, you can give it to her during this time, to reinforce the positive nature of these parent chats in her mind. As the years go by, each meeting will reinforce your daughter’s responsibility to work on productive, meaningful goals and your role as a source of help.

With the tradition firmly in place, you’ll probably find that on more than one occasion you will be surprised as your daughter suddenly opens up and begins to share deep challenges and problems she’s trying to solve. Because you’ve established your role—and particularly if you refrain from being shocked, judgmental, critical, or too quick to give advice—she will, in all probability, turn to you as a source of help.

ROGER

This was brought home forcibly to me one day in a parent chat I was having with one of our daughters. I started out with the usual questions—“What are you working on? How can I help?”—and suddenly she opened up and began talking about a young girl she knew at school who had become pregnant. The girl was scared and talking about getting an abortion through some very risky, illegitimate channels. This was shocking and frightening for our daughter, and she was feeling very burdened and overwhelmed.

As we counseled, we decided together that some action needed to be taken. Calls were made that apparently helped divert what could have been a tragedy. Although it was difficult, our daughter felt right about the action that was taken and grateful for the help in sorting things out.

As I reflected on the situation later, I couldn’t help but feel grateful that we had developed the kind of relationship where she felt comfortable in talking with me about it. I was so glad that we had set up the regular chats, and grateful that she felt secure enough in that environment to open up and ask for help.

I know it’s important that children see their parents as friends. But that experience taught me it’s also important for children to see parents as parents and real sources of help. There’s no question in my mind—that one experience was definitely worth all the hours invested in building a relationship of support and trust. Since that time, I have asked myself: “If we hadn’t been having these chats on a regular basis, would I have ever even heard about the problem?”

Over time, regular parent chats establish the idea that you are there to help. When the relationship is there, a child’s sharing may well come at some other time—not necessarily during the chat. But the chat is one way to build the relationship and lay the foundation so they feel comfortable in sharing and confident in your love and support.

When a child does share, remember that you stand on holy ground. Treat tender feelings and confidences with respect. When your child is really open, sharing, and seeking, you have an incomparable opportunity to influence in positive ways. These “teaching moments”—not “preaching” moments—make a profound difference in relationships and in a parent’s ability to influence and help.

Optimizer 6: Have a Daily Family Wisdom Time

What if you and your family were to spend just ten minutes together each day reading and talking about some of the truly great thoughts and ideas throughout time? What would be the impact of such a “wisdom time” on each family member? On relationships between family members? On the way you interact with each other? On the way you spend your individual and family time?

With varying degrees of success, this is something we’ve tried to do with our family from the beginning. Sometimes we’ve done it at night, reading to the children and encouraging them to memorize short classic quotes. Most of the time we’ve done it in the mornings—actually turning it into a family devotional with the addition of a song, a moment of daily planning, and a family prayer.

There have been times when we’ve wondered if it was worth the effort—mornings when someone was sick or had gone to an early meeting . . . mornings when we started late or were so rushed we could only spend a couple of minutes together . . . mornings when teenagers would drag themselves upstairs, plop down on the couch with blankets over their heads, and utter no more than an unintelligible grunt or a groan during the entire time . . . even mornings when we simply couldn’t pull it off.

But for the most part, we’ve kept working at it. And over the years, the results have been remarkable. In terms of molding character and solidifying family values, this has been one of the most positive and useful things we’ve done.

And it’s had other benefits as well. Family wisdom time is an opportune time to help your children learn how to read. When ours were little, we put books in their hands. They loved to turn the pages and repeat the words after us. Sometimes they held the books upside down. Almost always, they were on the wrong page. But we worked with them and helped them so that eventually they were sounding out the words and doing the reading. At a time when 21 to 23 percent of the adults in this country are functionally illiterate—unable to even fill out a job application, read a food label, or read a simple story to a child^[19]—such an investment has a significant impact on the future of a child. One of our married sons, whose elementary age children are currently reading from three to four grade levels ahead of their classes, attributes a good part of their advanced reading skills to a daily investment in family wisdom time.

As with other endeavors, the best time to start is when your children are young. If they grow up with it, it’s just part of life. If you have older children, you’ll probably want to start gradually. At dinner some night, you might just say, “I ran across this fun quote. Isn’t this cool?” Then, another night, you could try reading another quote or a short story. Move into it gently. Eventually you can buy a few little wisdom literature books and leave them on the family room table or in the bathroom. Work up to the point where sharing and discussing great thoughts is a way of life.

Optimizer 7: Establish Clear Stewardships

Who pays the bills in your family? Who takes out the garbage? Who does the dishes, makes the financial decisions, prepares the meals, plans vacations, changes the diapers, washes the clothes, or goes to parent-teacher conferences? If you don’t talk these things over and come up with clear, agreeable solutions, they can become a source of discontent, smoldering resentment, or even conflict in your home.

Between marriage partners, undiscussed responsibilities typically tend to fall into what we consider “traditional” roles. But what’s the tradition? Things can get pretty tricky if you were raised in a family where Dad did the budgeting and your spouse grew up in a situation where Mom did. It becomes even more complex when both spouses are too busy working to really talk, and some of the “traditional” roles just don’t cut it anymore. So you need to talk. You need to clarify expectations. You need to have a clear, shared understanding of who does what . . . and when.

Clear stewardships are equally important in working with children. Tasks provide the perfect opportunity for quality parenting. By empowering children to accomplish tasks, you can teach them to work and to love work. You can help them develop skills and qualities of character that will benefit them in whatever they do throughout their lives. You can build your relationship with them as you work side by side. You can reinforce their desire and ability to accomplish something meaningful. You can help them learn to contribute to the family and prepare them to better contribute to the world. All this—from the little family “chores” that all too often are the source of major frustration and disappointment!

So how do you do it?

Throughout our parenting years, we’ve tried a wide variety of approaches. We’ve had charts, allowances, and activity rewards. We’ve had incentives for getting work done and consequences for not getting it done. Probably one of the greatest lessons we’ve learned from it all is that children—particularly young children—are generally far more motivated when their parents work with them rather than expecting them to work alone. Here again we see the power of family work. As you labor side by side with a child, you have a nearly unparalleled opportunity to model, mentor, listen to, express love for, and relate to that child in meaningful ways.

We’ve also learned that kids appreciate variety. To reinforce their efforts in the same way, year after year for 18 years, would get boring. So try a little variety. Have fun. With young children, posters, stickers, stars, and treats seem to work well. With older children, allowances and privileges tied to performance seems to be a good approach. With teenagers, win-win agreements with built-in consequences provide for self-accountability and eliminate the need for parents to “snoopervise” or nag.

There are some excellent books on organizing home responsibilities and some great tools (charts, schedules, etc.) in the marketplace.^[20] But whatever approach you decide to take, you might want to keep a few fundamental guidelines in mind:

• Invite children to participate in decisions concerning what their jobs will be. Involvement breeds commitment. They’re much more likely to stick with a task if it was their idea to take it on.

• Remember that an assigned task is a child’s responsibility. Never take away from the dignity of the stewardship by taking over and doing it yourself. Teach, train, help, love, encourage, and correct when necessary . . . but don’t take over.

• Explain clearly what constitutes a job “well done.” Don’t assume the words “clean the living room” mean the same thing to your child as they do to you. Go over the desired results. Write them down, and even post necessary steps inside the closet door. Do it with your child a time or two. Make sure the understanding is there before you hold him or her accountable for the results.

• Never “snoopervise.” Set up a time for accountability and take the time to go over the job together. Avoid the temptation to correct midstream. Give your child the freedom to succeed—or to fail (with consequences). Only then will the victory truly be the child’s.

• When appropriate, celebrate work well done. Praise. Encourage. Have a party. Turn a cartwheel. Set off fireworks. Find joy together in your child’s ability to do a job well.

• Instead of focusing on “accomplishing tasks through people,” focus on “building people through empowering them to accomplish tasks.” This is another example of how the way you see a situation has a huge impact on your experience and on the results.

Optimizer 8: Bring Heroes Home

A young boy saves his father’s life by applying first aid techniques he learned in Boy Scouts. A soldier risks his life and military career to stand up for the rights of civilians against the senseless brutality of his own troops. A 75-year-old woman devotes more than 40 hours a week to running a local literacy center to help children and adults learn to read. Someone at your place of work goes the “extra mile” and organizes others to successfully pull off a seemingly impossible task.

Wonderful, often quiet acts of heroism happen daily. Do we celebrate them? Do we find joy in them? Do we even notice them?

Apart from setting a good example and creating opportunities for our children to participate in service, there’s really no better way to teach character than by sharing and talking about the acts of real- life heroes. These can become a subject of conversation at any time, but some of the best times we’ve found are during family dinner— where food and conversation can nourish both body and soul—and during bedtime story time.

REBECCA

A fun variation of bringing heroes home is using your imagination to make your own children heroes. Many of the bedtime stories I’ve shared with our children over the years have been original adventures with them in the roles of heroes—policemen, firefighters, teachers, dragon slayers, and kind and generous princes and princesses who thwart evil witches and govern kingdoms with wisdom.

Though the stories sometimes got pretty corny when I was tired or lacking in creativity, I tried to repeatedly associate their names with heroic qualities of character in stories that captured their imagination. Some of our children have assured us that these stories had a positive influence on them as they were growing up and have carried on the tradition in their own homes.

In deciding on names for our children, we’ve tried to choose names associated with historical people of great character—heroes, if you will—both in and out of the family. Over the years, we’ve shared the stories of these people with our children to help them identify with character traits and values that are heroic in a very personal way.Also, we’ve tried to have pictures on the walls that exemplify people of character or the manifestation of valuable character traits.

The reality is, you will have heroes in your home—either those you invite or those who show up. Often, the ones who show up are not the ones you’d invite. They are the unsavory characters— often glamorized in the media—who slip into your home through movies, television, music, and posters. Are these really the kinds of heroes you want to enthrone? If you don’t take some kind of action, they’ll end up being the default heroes in your family members’ lives.

Keep in mind that the heroes of today will create the character of tomorrow. So why not invite those heroes you’d like to have in your home? You create the character culture of your home by the heroes you invite in and what you share.

^[15]Used by permission of Family Leadership International, LLC.

^[16]Evans, Richard L. . . . An Open Road. Vol. 3. Thoughts for 100 Days. Publishers Press, Salt Lake City, 1968. Used by permission.

^[17]For more information on how to write a family mission statement, refer to: Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Golden Books, New York, New York, 1997, pp. 70–109.

^[18]For more information on how to create win-win agreements in the family, refer to Ibid., pp. 188–195

^[19]Statistics on Adult Literacy, Orange County Register, Santa Anna, CA, September 22, 2002.

^[20]Lee, Harold B. Strengthening the Home. Pamphlet. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1973, p. 7.