Active Listening

“Active listening” is kind of a buzz phrase in hostage negotiating. It’s a reminder that listening isn’t a passive activity.

When you’re listening in a negotiation, you’re trying to find out what the other side’s position is. You’re also listening for clues to what they think is important. Now in most negotiations, the person on the other side of the table is not going to give you a list of (a) everything he thinks is important, and (b) what he’s willing to give up. On the contrary, he’s probably going to try to disguise a bit of (a) and may not even know himself the details of (b).

I would counsel negotiators in most instances to give out as much of (a) as possible; get the important issues on the table where they can be dealt with and you can resolve them. But obviously you’re going to hold back on (b), at least a little. And sometimes a negotiator doesn’t know all of (a) until the other side comes back with (c).

When you’re in listening mode, you can use your ears to determine (b), at least a little, from the verbal and emotional content he uses to describe (a).

Jeez, you’d think this was an algebra class with all these integers. What I mean is:

Usually, the way someone tells you about what he wants lets you know how much he really wants it.

Even if the negotiator on the other side of the table is a pro and gets right to the outline of the deal—what’s negotiable and what’s not—you have to listen carefully to make sure the content and emotion match up.