The Problem

If people have labeled you an attention-seeker , you may feel they are being unfair. After all, how can they be sure that your motive isnt to draw attention to yourself but simply to the thing you are talking about? Only you can know your motives. But if their claim makes you curious , or perhaps defensive, you can explore the motives behind your alleged attention-seeking behavior by exploring your emotions.

Attention-seekers usually feel rejection keenly and are affected by it more than the average bear. Thats why they work so hard to seek our notice. When the support is not there, they hurt. This is one of the reasons you might want to work on the matter. Ive never had someone call me to say, ˜˜I am an attention-seeker and, darn it, I want to stop. Instead, people look for help concerning their mild pangs of anxiety. Only after we get acquainted in our coaching sessions does the topic of attention-seeking arise.

Some clients admit that being busy waving their flag makes them less effective on the job. That makes sense. In any kind of business, people are attempting to reach goals efficiently . Attention-seekers, diverters of attention by definition, ever so briefly run counter to this core business activity. Not surprisingly, when attention-seekers look back after their habit fades, they often remark on how much their personal productivity has improved.

Except for the most committed hermit, people have to, and want to, interact with others. Otherwise, life could be pretty lonely . Relating to people is most convivial when the relating goes both ways. You are involved with me, and I with you. We give of ourselves in some way when we engage with others and they give in return. But when attention-seekers are doing their thing, they are not really playing by these rules. Theirs is a one-sided game. The dynamic is inequitable. They rarely validate the other party as much as they solicit validation. As a family doctor friend of mine put it, ˜˜Show-offs are generally resented, even when they are good performers, because they do not allow others an opportunity to exhibit.

As Im sure is also true of many of you, I regularly interact with service providers, privately and in business. I meet lots of strangers: hotel workers, tradespeople, waitstaff, cab drivers, nurses, retail store employees . Some of these people are obviously eager to talk about themselves . Ask a simple question, and out pours an overview of their present life circumstances and plans for the future. In these situations I find myself wondering whether their behavior is a sign of high self-esteem or of a narcissism thats getting out of hand.

I am slowly learning to assess whether someonea person in my day-to-day life, outside of coaching relationshipsis an attention-seeker by using the equal-time technique. I ask myself whether this person dedicates as much time to me as they expect me to dedicate to them. Is there a two-way dynamic here? Or is it really just about the other person? Do I sense authenticity, such that the person seems to care about me? Many attention-seekers often dont give equal time. They are more focused on themselves.