The Behaviors

The motive behind personal flag-waving is pure and innocent. Seeking attention is a positive drive. ˜˜It feels good. Attention-seekers , after some dialogue about their behavior, usually get to the core motivation: ˜˜I need love. The positive drive is occurring in response to this need.

This drive to get love usually starts in our younger days in a family or school environment, where attention is received only as a reward for performance or appearance. We learn to leverage our strengths. The problem is that we can become dependent on others to supply our self-esteem. Then we become vulnerable when their attention strays. We look for ways in which our strengths can be used to manage that vulnerability. A cat in the jungle , in times of insecurity, responds with her speed, her threatening look, and a terrifying roar. Similarly, a quick-witted fellow in sixth grade may use verbal cleverness to compensate for feelings of rejection .

Some attention-seekers leverage their jobs to satisfy their needs. Its no coincidence that comedians are often attention-seekers. Thats why they chose the field. Salespeople may gain personal satisfaction from using their skill of building rapport with customers. Happily, at the same time they are satisfying their employers needs for sales volume. For many, attention-seeking is their primary means of self-expression. Some people are very successful as a result of gaining the notice of others. Compare an executive with less skill but loads of attention-seeking charm with an executive with more skill but a self-effacing manner. Which one is likely to be promoted?

Consider the diversity of attention-seeking behavior by looking at these real-life examples:

• Kim is an attention-seeker who ˜˜acts out in her department at a communications company when she feels disconnected from her boss. She gets political with her colleagues by uncovering peoples secrets and then, to stir things up, telling them to others. Ultimately the boss has to step in. Kim has achieved her goal. Like a child in kindergarten, she has caught the teachers eye. She is not conscious of the purpose of her efforts.

• Anytime he has been romantically rejected, Robert, a creative copywriter, tells his colleagues little fibs that demonstrate his prowess with women. This behavior compensates for the insecurity and pain of rejection.

• Gary, a lead salesman in a plastics company, gets more playful at meetings in direct proportion to his sales volume. When sales are high, the jokes fly. He is saying, ˜˜Look at me. Look at how well Im doing. When sales are low, the jokes are grounded. The playful pattern is broken by the fear of rejection.

• Mike, the president of a high-tech company, projects an image of enhanced spirituality. Ostensibly, he is devout and even self-effacing. In fact, he is looking for the payback of being considered wise. This validates him.

• Karen, vice president of a property development company, talks a lot. She is very articulate . But people think she hogs the floor. She admits she likes people to hear her intelligent comments. It makes her feel respected.

• Mark, a senior vice president of a telecommunications company, gets a thrill from attending the meetings of his various junior vice presidents salespeople. He likes to shake people up. He is loud and hypercritical. People think he is insensitive and arrogant . He is willing to risk such a judgment in order to project an image of being powerful, strategic, and effective.

• Deborah gets attention by asking her peers for their insights into her problems. Before a meeting starts, she presents a challengea business or personal problemto attendees who arrive early, and sits back while they contribute their ideas. She absorbs all the attention, but rarely implements what she hearssaved by the start of the meeting, dont you know?

Not only does the behavior vary from person to person but there are also variations within the behavior of a single attention-seeker, based on such factors as stress level, mood, level of insecurity, and the audience. A kind of supply-and-demand dynamic also comes to life: When the supply of attention goes down, demand for attention goes up a corresponding amount.