Next-To-The-Last Thoughts

When I train companies on Emotional Continuity Management I encourage workshop participants to consider forces in nature that create conflict. I talk about tornadoes and the spins . I also talk about where the spin is not. Over the years I have become fascinated with the topic of Nothingness as an energy source and a resource for deescalating spins. Using Nothingness as a form of nonviolent, non-resistance to conflict has made me a better counselor, and conflict resolution mediator, friend, enemy, wife and mother. I am even nicer to my big silly border collie that must jump on me every chance he gets. I am learning that many times doing Nothing is quite useful.

For a long time I contemplated the Power of Nothing as it came to my attention (from many sources) that all conditions in the universe possess more space than matter, more empty than full, more open than closed, and more peacefulness than conflict. Years ago a teacher suggested I try to meditate on what was not present. My poor little brain worked on that one for quite a long while. I was looking for the something of Nothing. I eventually found I could quiet my busy mind quickly by thinking about the space between my spinning molecules and atoms rather than thinking about the pain in my left elbow . I thought about the space where the pain was not. I did that when I birthed my babies when I was taught to rest between contractions, because I could catch my breath when "nothing" was happening.

I learned more about this when I lived 422 feet away from the Pacific Ocean. The time between tides is called slack -tide. It is a moment between the tide coming in and the tide going out when is appears as though Nothing is happening. Fishermen taught me that this is the most important time to pay attention to the sea, because this was where everything was going to happen next. My senses, perceptions, and training suggested I focus on what "was" rather than what "was not." I live in a society of consumers that always wants more. Most industries and many companies support the concept that more is better.

Don't misunderstand - I like stuff! A lot. And shopping makes me a happy girl! And at the same time I am becoming quite more comfortable in the presence of Nothing. It is a quiet place. Sweet. Nothing is a location inside me and outside me that provides balance. It is a place and a non-place where the 'me' that is me does not react out of fear, misperception, judgment or anger. I simply am. Nothing seems to be the location to find everything! Many of my favorite teachers and authors have said this and have tried to lead me to this place over many years. I was looking too hard! Nothing does not lend itself well to words so there are, of course, countless books trying to describe Nothing in scientific, psychological, cognitive, physiological, biological, sociological, and spiritual language. I buy lots of books.

Becoming defensive during a conflict means I perceive a threat. It may be real, it may be Nothing. What if there wasn't a threat? What would I resist? Would I be more present in a challenging situation? Would I be more useful, more kind, more intrigued, more compassionate? Would I support life affirming creative productivity? Would I become like some sort of martial arts whiz and breathe an Ohm through my body and rise above conflict to offer my noble wisdom in some fortune -cookie language? I hope not. That would so NOT be me! Yet, on the other hand, I have learned that peacefulness is a powerful position to take in a conflicting situation. Nothing leaves me open to options. Victims have no options, so I become quite less frightened.

To manage emotions that are starting to spin, I need to first know what is going on with me. I need to feel my feelings, take care of what is missing for me, determine my position and then ask what my shared interest is with the other human in the situation. If I am not dealing with someone pathological or an Emotional Terrorist, then I may assume that our shared interest is peace and calm, justice and love and all those other non- tangible emotions that we humans equate with "happy." If I take my position from the center of my Nothingness I tend to become peaceful, quiet, sweet, and balanced. I am ready to listen without feeling threatened. Then I won't be pushing the situation into more energy of conflict by adding my force to the spin. I can make better choices.

An emotional spin, like the spinning winds in nature, only happens when forces collide. Many different forces exist in the universe without having to collide! If there is Nothing to bump into, the wind just moves wherever it needs to go. My task to provide a space for Emotional Continuity is to pay attention, listen, open up, breathe, stay balanced and calm, and not put up an energy field that collides into another energy field that contributes to the spinning. This is where problem solving can begin. It is science. It is art. It is esoteric. It is good business. It is happy.

I'm getting better at this process without becoming condescending, caving to other powerful forces, creating more conflict, or needing to make a hasty escape. I watched one of my dearest teachers die this year. She died the way she lived, with grace. For several years she did everything she could to attend to her situation without conflict. She approached her illness with attention but without resistance and stood in the Nothingness as she problem- solved her choices. Eventually she apparently found it more useful to move toward the open spaces sweetly than resist the forces that were colliding inside and outside of her. I have seen many children make this same choice as they smiled sweetly through their deaths, surrounded by loving families who either were fighting and grasping to keep them present inside the world of something, or breathing their last sweet breaths with them as they released them to the next something.

I learned over the course of my life how to fight. It seemed that I needed to for a very long time. Being born during an earthquake I think made me a bit scrappy to start with, and being raised by wolves helped. Trauma and drama in my life added to the mix. But toady I know that real change doesn't have to come through fighting, resisting and conflict. I have had the gift of seeing how people in catastrophic disasters, birthing rooms, deathing rooms, hospital rooms, conference and boardrooms, living rooms and courtrooms have made choices to center themselves and take a position of Nothingness in order to have Everythingness. These people stay 100% present in the moment and authentically manage their own Emotional Continuity while having energy to spare to offer compassion to someone else! Finding your own path to this is the stuff of warriors. Go for it!

Vali Hawkins Mitchell