Effective Confessions

At a leadership seminar for a credit card company, I asked each participant to come to the session with an unresolved situation that he or she as a leader was wrestling with. David, a middle-forties vice president, explained that his problem was a guilty conscience. During a stressful moment in a heated discussion, David explained, he had lost his temper with a colleague at a team meeting. “It was 6 weeks ago, and now I’m waking up in the middle of the night thinking I owe him an apology. I made a mistake.”

In small groups, each person was instructed to role-play how he or she would handle the problem and get feedback from the group. I got the video camera ready while David set up the scene with another participant who would play the role of the colleague who got lashed by David’s anger. The role-play began. David revisited his haunting moment, but then he seemed to go on, and on, and on, explaining himself.

After 5 minutes I turned off the camera and stopped the role-play. “David, what are you doing?”

“I am trying to say, ‘I’m sorry.’” His colleagues answered before I could: “Then just say it!” The role-playing began again, and David again recalled the meeting when he had lost his temper. Then he said the words he had struggled with—“I am sorry.”

Afterwards David told us, “It was very hard to say those words.” Apologizing, he explained, meant that he had to own the failure publicly, which seemed a worse situation than just moving on and not acknowledging the bad treatment. “But just because I didn’t acknowledge it didn’t mean I was fooling anyone. In fact, I’ve felt a coolness from him ever since that meeting,” David said. “We both knew I was in the wrong, and I’m sure the other colleagues who were in that meeting felt the same way.”

When an apology is due but not given, a crack surfaces in the foundation of the relationship. No matter how much time goes by, the crack likely will remain. The relationship may still function, but without a solid foundation, it will never reach its potential. Agood apology repairs the crack and, hopefully, allows the relationship to return to what it was. Very often all a person needs is to hear a sincere “I’m sorry,” and you are back in the gold. In some cases an apology even can make the relationship stronger.

Even a wrongdoing that you are certain will go unnoticed by everyone could weigh on your conscience, and carrying around the guilt could negatively affect your confidence and performance. By being open about the error, you ease yourself of some of the burden.

Think of how you feel when someone comes to you and admits a mistake and maybe even sincerely apologizes. You likely feel respect for that person and gratitude for his or her courage in coming forward. When and how you handle mistakes are crucial. Follow these guidelines:

Move from defense to offense as quickly as possible. People tend to blame everyone but themselves—it is a natural defense to protect our self-image. If your performance is at question or if someone is upset with you, do an honest self-evaluation. No one will believe that you are truly sorry or are moved to change if you cannot even admit to yourself that you played a role in your unfortunate circumstances. The sooner you move to addressing the problem, the better you will be in the long run.

Validate the other person’s feelings or complaint. You may not agree that you were harsh with your employee, and you may think that his or her gripes are petty, but that is not his or her reality. Even if you do not believe that you were “wrong” in the true sense, realize that others have unique perspectives that you may need to accommodate—or at least accept—if you are to have a good relationship. If you have offended someone, even unintentionally, you will lose nothing by at least acknowledging the other person’s hard feelings and noting the misunderstanding.

If appropriate, apologize—and to the right audience. Depending on your situation, an apology may be in order to show regret and to start the process of healing. For example, if you have wounded another’s self-worth or if your mistake results in a colleague losing an account, saying you are sorry can heal bad feelings and help you to maintain self-respect.

Do not make a blunder of your apology. Realize that actually saying the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” is crucial if you really intend an apology. When President Clinton gave his televised address to the American people following the release of the Starr report, he never actually said, “I’m sorry.” His choice of words did not go unnoticed. In fact, Clinton’s obvious omission overshadowed everything else he said and was the topic of discussion in the coming days—until he finally said the words. By then, some people were unconvinced that Clinton’s apology was sincere. The apology without the “I’m sorry” likely will not work. If you try to deliver an apology without saying “I’m sorry,” you are missing the point. And the other person will miss the point, too. Also be careful with the word but when making an apology. “I’m sorry, but . . .” is almost always used to justify one’s actions. It is placing blame on someone or something else. It is saying, “I only did this because you did that.” The net effect is an apology that does not really sound like an apology, and—to the offended—it probably does not feel like one either. If you do choose to apologize, do not broadcast your “sorry” beyond those you have wounded and those who need to be reassured. You do not earn extra forgiveness and sympathy by involving peripheral parties. Also, it is important to hit a balance between admitting your mistake in a professional way and putting yourself down for making the mistake. Note the difference between saying, “I’m so, so sorry. It’s all my fault” and “I take responsibility for what has happened, and I assure you that it will not happen again. I have learned some valuable lessons from this, and here is what I am going to do differently.”

Be timely. If President Clinton had admitted an improper relationship right when Monica Lewinsky’s name surfaced, he could have apologized and saved himself from such a damaging and humiliating scandal. Instead, his too-late “I’m sorry” was never enough. U.S. Representative Gary Condit faced a similar situation over his alleged relationship with Chandra Levy. After weeks of refusing to speak to the press, he broke his silence—although still refusing to answer many questions—in an interview with Connie Chung. Not soon enough, Americans said in a Gallup poll, which also confirmed that 66 percent believed that Condit was not justified in refusing to respond to Chung’s questions about his relationship with Levy, that more than 7 in 10 people believed that he owed an apology to his constituents and the Levy family, and that an overwhelming majority said that he was “immoral,” “ dishonest,” and “uncaring.”

Frequently your wrongdoings are not the secrets you thought them to be, so your timing in admitting those mistakes and apologizing is important. Less significant wrongdoings such as arriving at a lunch meeting a few minutes late or taking too long to return a phone call can turn into personal offenses if apologies are not made promptly. Greater misconduct usually requires a more thoughtful reaction. Saying that you are sorry immediately after being dishonest or humiliating an employee in front of his or her peers probably will not sit well. You risk seeming insincere and even belittling. It may take days or even months before both parties understand what happened and how the relationship was affected. Taking time to carefully think about the event can dignify the apology and ensure forgiveness.

Making amends requires planning. You should take the time to think about what you will do to make sure that you do not make the same mistake twice and how you can patch up what has been destroyed.

Show sincere empathy. Show regret and empathy when appropriate. “I regret what I have done” and “I know that I have let you down” can be healing words. Groveling, however, is seldom necessary, so be dignified about it. Do not give people the impression that you are looking for reassurance.

Anne, a sales manager for a telecommunications company, used an anecdotal example in one of her team meetings that she meant as a positive illustration of turning an angry customer into a return buyer. The anecdote involved Dave, one of Anne’s direct reports. Dave was upset about being exposed in front of his peers. While the story illustrated Dave’s ability to act on his feet and turn a bad situation into a payoff, it also revealed how Dave upset the customer in the first place. Most of all, Dave was angry because Anne did not ask permission to tell the story. In Dave’s mind, Anne had betrayed his trust.

Anne knew that she needed to apologize in order to rebuild Dave’s confidence in her as a leader, but she felt that Dave’s reaction was “a little silly” and oversensitive. She went through the steps of an effective apology, and her delivery was good but for one thing: “She didn’t grovel enough,” Dave said. “I’m not sure she really understands what upset me.”

Ultimately, Anne’s apology was not effective because Dave did not accept it. Anne went through the motions of an apology because she needed Dave to remain a loyal and motivated follower. She said all the right words, but she did not come across as sincere.

A true apology requires one to empathize with the wronged person—or at least to accept the complaint as valid, if only in his or her eyes. An effective apology is difficult. If your soul is not rumbling a bit, your heart probably is not in it, and sincerity will not be perceived. And an insincere apology may be worse than none at all. Apologies that are motivated by guilty fear, a desire to please, or grudging compliance are not worth much. An effective apology begins with a dose of shame. You admit that you made a mistake and that you are ashamed of your behavior. You should feel low.

Speak plainly. Do not try to whitewash or avoid clearly naming your crime. Doing so can give the impression that you do not feel truly accountable or that you do not fully appreciate the consequences of your actions.

Dan, an early-thirties account executive for a software developer, recalls a time when he received an ineffective apology. Acting as team leader for a particular project, Dan got an ugly reaction from a coworker when he checked on the coworker’s progress. “Really, he was taking out on me the fact that he had other demands and wasn’t completing his tasks on time. He was so nasty that I avoided him for a couple of days, mostly because I didn’t want to be subjected to such an attitude again. When he finally acknowledged his behavior, he only described it as ‘being a little too animated.’” Dan resented the choice of words. And the trust and respect that he once had for the coworker were depleted.

In another incident, Craig, chief financial officer for a cable company’s western division, was forced into a very late night preparing his presentation for the second day of his monthly meeting with 17 team members because Craig’s analyst, Allen, was 4 hours late in getting vital information to him. When Craig finally received the e- mail containing the attachment, he read Allen’s brief comment: “Sorry this didn’t get done on time.” Allen’s apology was not nearly good enough because he did not take ownership. He also said nothing that reassured Craig that it would not happen again.

Consider the words of former Senator Bob Packwood, who was accused of sexually harassing at least a dozen women during his tenure in Congress. His 1994 apology outfailed even former President Richard Nixon’s Watergate pseudoapology: “I’m apologizing for the conduct that it was alleged that I did.”

Tell what you have learned. The time you admit your mistakes can be a great time to show what you have learned. The lesson is likely to be just as valuable for your followers. And helping your people grow and develop, even through your own mistakes, is part of true leadership. Communicate your course for corrective action. Pay close attention to those involved, and even ask for feedback.

Move on. Once you have done all you can to make amends, let go. Be patient, and others likely will move on, too.