Antisocial Personalities

Most criminals have antisocial personalities; that’s why they’re criminals. They don’t get along with society. They refuse to play by the rules, they’re selfish, irresponsible, and rarely feel guilt. If something goes wrong, they blame others, never themselves. They tend to be hostile and unreliable.

It’s hard to work out a deal with such people. On the one hand, you have to be careful not to challenge or threaten their ego. On the other hand, if you appear weak, you’ll never get a deal done with them. They’ll try to bully you and take advantage, and then just as you think you’ve got it worked out—oops, that wasn’t what they were thinking at all, not at all.

The parallel I find in everyday negotiations is the bullying type, the person who likes to think he’s a tough nut to crack and he’s not going to give an inch. This type can be a pain to negotiate with. They tend to be stubborn and unresponsive to your needs. They see negotiation as a zero-sum game: They get all the marbles, you get none.

Obviously, I’m assuming here that you do actually need or at least want what it is he has. If you don’t, there’s no sense wasting your time with them.

In dealing with this type, avoid turning the negotiations into a battle of egos. Negotiations are supposed to be win-win, not winner takes all. If you play their game, you’re probably going to lose—if you actually do make a deal at all. Demands issued harshly are a bad idea in any event, but with this type they are only going to make the person dig in harder.

When a hostage negotiator is speaking with someone who’s antisocial, we avoid talking about punishment and we don’t parade our tactical squad in front of the windows. We don’t say “My way or the highway.” We try to show only that the deal is in the person’s best interest. In effect, we use his ego against him—we want him to think he’s won.

Obviously, you can only do this in a negotiation if your ego is not attached to the tactics you’re using. If you don’t see the negotiation as a contest, then you’re not going to get hung up in that.

At some point when you’re dealing with this type of negotiator, you’re going to want to make a point of letting them score some points. You may even emphasize the points they raised that you agreed to. Of course, you are not going to agree to anything that you weren’t prepared to in the first place—right?

That’s because the commander set the goal and figured out what you were willing to give up in order to reach it ahead of time. The person on the other side doesn’t have to know that you were fully prepared to eat the delivery costs on the piano as part of the deal. What he does need to know is that he asked you to do that and you agreed. Reluctantly, of course. And only because of his skill as a negotiator. Because the guy is obviously a genius.