Building D: Section b, Custodial Engineering Plaza

"Clippy!" the executive assistant to the junior marketing partner for office sales and development strategy is banging on a door to one of the Custodial Development and Engineering Work Areas. "Clippy, you have to come out!" she says.

"What set him off this time?" asks the internal adjunct manager for product perception, office division.

"Who knows? It could have been anything. I mean, last time he saw a picture of some kittens and started wailing about how he used to be cute and useful to Microsoft Office users," answers the marketing partner.

"Why don't we just leave him in there? He's drunk and angry. I don't want any intoxicated paper clip dude attacking me," he says, stepping back.

The exasperated marketing partner leans her head on the door. "He's a symbol, a company treasure. We can't just leave him in the janitor's closet with all those chemicals. Have you ever seen a cartoon office assistant high on industrial floor cleaner? Have you? It's bad." She turns and shakes her head at the adjunct manager. "Besides," she says with a serious look, "he could be seen by outsiders."

"He's a joke!" laughs the adjunct manager. Gesturing to the closet door, he asks, "Don't you know that everyone hates Clippy?"

"Shhh!" She takes a frantic look at the door. "He's going to hear you!"

Suddenly, there is a series of crashing sounds from the closet and a groan.

"Clippy!" she yells, banging on the door again.

"Arruuuugh," a cracked voice from inside the closet emotes. It's Clippy. "Hello! I'm your godd***ed Office Assistant! You can f***ing ask me for help with your Microsoft Office tasks!"

"Eeew," the adjunct manager grimaces. "He sounds downright stinky drunk."

"Clippy? It's Maria. Will you come out and talk to us?" the marketing partner asks.

"I'm a joke! Nobody likes me! People turn off my messages in their software. They swear at me. I'm not even going to be included in the next version! I might as well be deanimated." His voice trails off.

"No, Clippy. People still love you," she says.

The adjunct manager looks surprised and mouths, "Who?"

Maria whispers, "I don't know. I'll make something up."

"You're lying!" Clippy yells. "Where's the friggin' window cleaner?"

"We've had reports, Clippy," she lies.

"Reports?" the paper clip asks.

"Yes, umm, the people in . . ." The marketing partner struggles for a demographic name.

"Emerging Asian markets," whispers the adjunct manager.

"In emerging Asian markets, Clippy!" Maria sounds upbeat. "They love you there! You're like the Hello Kitty of formatting documents over there."

"Yeah, they're making a new animated cartoon series and want you to star in it!" The adjunct manager stifles a laugh.

"I heard that laughing!" Clippy growls through the door. "Is that Greg? That a**hole. That product perception guy is the one killing me!"

Maria looks at Greg with concern.

Greg shrugs, "Well, no one likes him. He's bringing down the product. What do you want me to do, start a mascot welfare program?"

There is a series of bangs and crashes. Clippy is hurling boxes and bottles at the door.

"Greg," Maria says, "we need Clippy. After our price hikes, licensing schemes, and online registration mazes, he's the only remotely positive part of the Microsoft Office product."

"I never looked at it that way. You might be right. How do you propose we get through to him?" asks Greg.

Maria's face lights up with an idea. She turns to address the closet door. "I am writing a business letter. Can you help with this feature?" she asks the door.

The crashes stop and an automated Clippy answers. "I see that you are writing a letter. I can help!" The door silently swings open and a disheveled Clippy emerges from the Custodial Work Area, drunk, but happy to assist you.

Figure 8.1. This artist's rendering shows the presumed current appearance of Clippy.

Alert: Clippy has escaped again. He might be hiding somewhere on the campus. Be vigilant in watching office areas, supply bins full of paper clips, anywhere with liquor, and exits for Clippy.