Practice Tough Empathy

For 25 years Margery Miller has run her Dallas-based manufacturers’ representative firm for the commercial food service equipment industry with a high priority placed on both the professional and personal development of her 11 employees. “They have to go together,” Miller told me. “If you’re not growing as an individual, both in your career and in your personal life, you’re not going to help my company grow.” In 1992, Dave, the inside sales member who had been Miller’s top performer for almost a decade, began slipping in performance, and his sales flattened. After spending some time with Dave, Miller realized that his personal life had been suffering because he had been placing such a high priority on his career. “The lack of balance was diminishing for him, and it was negatively affecting his work,” she said. Dave needed to attend to more personal issues in order for his work success to return. For several years Miller had been operating a consulting business outside her rep firm, coaching people on self awareness and personal development, and she offered her services to Dave at no cost. After working together to reinstate some balance in Dave’s life, his work turnaround began, and since 1994, Dave’s sales have “skyrocketed”; now with the company almost 20 years, Dave consistently surpasses his sales goals, and he is back to being the company’s top performer. Said Miller, “He’s also a more mature and effective person now, and he contributes more to the company by really taking a lead in helping others learn.”

Leaders who demonstrate appreciation and understanding for their followers’ needs and feelings are more likely to build strong, loyal relationships and successful teams. Focusing exclusively on business goals and operational strategies neglects what is equally important—engaging with people individually and inspiring commitment and enthusiasm. Showing empathy while still recognizing the tasks at hand can be a powerful way to connect with people at work. When a peers says, “I know that was tough for you,” after your proposal was dissected and trashed, or when your boss listens attentively as you explain what you are up against in meeting your numbers—even though he or she still holds you to meeting those numbers—you feel acknowledged and perhaps understood. Leaders who are empathetic do not take on their people’s troubles, but they do take on their feelings.

As vice president of vocational services for Pensacola, Florida–based Lakeview Center, Inc., a mental health services company, Rich Gilmartin is responsible for more than 820 employees in 5 states. When funding was lost for a mentoring program for welfare mothers, 8 people were slated to lose their jobs, and Gilmartin knew this 3 months before the layoffs were to occur. He had to make a choice: Tell the 8 employees just before their last day, giving them minimum notice; or tell them immediately, hoping that they would not bail out before the 3 months were up. Gilmartin put himself in their shoes, decided to give them the full 90 days to prepare, and notified them in person of what was to come. While one did lose enthusiasm, most of the employees continued to work hard until the end. Although Gilmartin had already proven empathetic to his followers, in hindsight he said that he should have done even more. “If I had to do it over again,” he said, “I would have stayed around (at their facility) for a couple of days in case they wanted to stop by and talk, and I would have met with them individually during the 3 months to see how they were doing.”

By thinking ahead and anticipating responses, you can be better prepared to show people that you understand their needs and concerns. If time allows, ask yourself these questions before deciding how to handle sensitive situations:

• How might I feel if it were me?

• What would I want others to say to me?

• How would I like to be treated?

When leaders are able to show a sincere capacity and desire to understand what others are up against, they visibly demonstrate they care and build more trusting relationships.

Amelia Tess Thornton, former chief administrative officer of Hyperion Solutions, a $500 million performance management software company, could have lapsed into corporate speak when an employee questioned her after the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. Tess Thornton was the first officer from the Sunnyvale, California, headquarters to visit the satellite office in Stamford, Connecticut, after the tragedies. As was typical of Tess Thornton, she told everyone as she walked through the Stamford site that she would be in the cafeteria for lunch if they wanted to talk. About 60 people did. Many questions centered on the national tragedy, including one employee’s question, “Has our company strategy changed since September 11?” Tess Thornton quickly realized that there was an emotional disconnect between the Hyperion employees in Connecticut, who were closer to the tragedy both geographically and emotionally in that many had friends and relatives who had been affected, and those in Hyperion’s California offices. “In California, although we certainly looked at it as a national tragedy and a horrible thing, we just weren’t as close to it as people on the East Coast,” Tess said. She realized that although she probably had expected to show up and express empathy to the East Coast team, she really was not capable of offering it. She chose honesty: “I just stopped and said, ‘I just want to acknowledge that we probably don’t understand what you’re going through, and please forgive us if we’re insensitive or if I say something that doesn’t make sense to you.’” The employees appreciated her clear desire to understand and appreciated even more her honest words.

Because they must influence a number of people in order to be effective, leaders must work hard to fine-tune their intuitive skills so that they can read a team, not just an individual. Group dynamics can complicate issues. Leaders must be able to have a sense of what emotions are bubbling under that conference table. Many leaders have experienced a team meeting where everyone seemed to agree, even said they were on board, and then disengaged or sabotaged the new initiative when they left the room. I have watched leaders completely misread a group. In debriefing, they will say, “They love my new idea for performance pay, don’t they?” And yet, as a more objective party, I perceived that they hated it.

A leader who is adept at sensing others’ feelings will be more likely to establish more connected, stronger relationships and will have a keen understanding of where his or her team stands on important issues. If your ability to read your group needs tuning, here are some ideas to get started:

1. Do not respond so quickly to ideas that are different from yours. If someone says, “I don’t see it that way at all,” or “There’s a lot more to this than you think,” do not quickly launch into trying to convince him or her of your way. Take some time to discover what he or she is thinking and why.

2. Ask people what they are feeling. It is hard at times to read people, so ask. “How do you feel about that?” “What kinds of feelings might you have if that happened?” You will get better understanding emotions as you listen to people express them. You also will have more information that may be helpful to you in the future. If they express—“I might not be too happy about changing that procedure”— and the procedure changes, you will be able to go back and express concern. “How are you doing with all this?”

3. Change roles in your meetings. It is very difficult to monitor the emotional landscape of teams, especially when you are leading the meeting. Do not lead all your meetings. Let someone else run a meeting (a team member or an outside facilitator, for example), or run part of it and let others be in charge for a portion. Also, you could have a coach, boss, or peer, if they are astute in group dynamics, observe a meeting and debrief with you. When you are out of the lead role, ask yourself, “What might Larry be thinking? Stacy? Who looks bored? Excited? Who’s engaged and who isn’t?” Look for points in the meeting where the group dynamics seem to shift. What happened to make the energy disappear?

4. Make an emotional guess. When you are trying to develop an intuitive sense, do not be afraid of being wrong. You can get a lot of information when you offer up your best shot. Guess: “You seem upset.” Response: “I’m not upset. I’m mad as hell.” Guess: “You seem pleased about that.” Response: “Well I was in the beginning, but now I’m getting nervous.” Guess: “I’m sensing that everyone’s tired of talking about this.” Response: “No, we need to have this discussion.”