We re Not Asking

We’re Not Asking

In leadership surveys of 559 managers, 86 percent of 6023 of their followers and peers said that those leaders could improve at regularly asking for feedback.

Executive coach Tom Heinselman recalled for me a time when he was “out of bullets” during a coaching session with an executive, Phil, who had been extremely successful in opening new cellular markets and executing turnarounds in failing markets. This leader, according to the data from his performance assessments, also was a lousy listener, thought he had all the good ideas, and was obnoxious and abusive to people.

“Look, why do I care about this?” Phil asked Tom. “I’m the most successful startup manager in the company. When it counts, they call me. If this is how these people feel, why am I so successful leading them through these tough assignments?”

Tom pointed out that people clamor to get behind Phil because he is their ticket, but they will move on or celebrate his demise because he is not inspiring loyalty.

Phil was unmoved by this logic, and Tom struggled for a way to make this executive see the value in his feedback.

“When you die, do you want people to attend your funeral for business reasons only?” It was a question Marshall Goldsmith, Tom’s colleague, used with success on a $6-million-per-year Wall Street Gordon Gekko type who was so shaken by it that he had made a dramatic turnaround.

This time Phil hesitated before responding. “Funny you should say that,” he said. “A few weeks back, I drove up to a funeral where people were spilling out of the church, and I told myself that I wouldn’t have this problem when I died.”

Tom had another client, the head of executive development at a Fortune 100 firm, who would not agree to undergo formal feedback, even though all his staff and managers were doing it, and Tom suggested that he should, too, if only to set the right leadership example. The client replied: “Tom, you obviously don’t understand my role here. You see, I don’t get feedback. I give feedback.”

In leadership surveys of 559 managers, 86 percent of 6023 of their followers and peers said that those leaders could improve at regularly asking for feedback.

These “I’m better than you” messages can worm their way through an organization, devaluing the feedback process and destroying a culture’s values that promote learning, professional growth, and transparency.

Other leaders fail to ask for feedback not because of hubris but because they simply do not see the point. “I don’t ask because I’m sure that if there was something I needed to know, they’d tell me,” the managing partner of an insurance firm once told me. Yet that same leader’s followers confirmed that they would only do such a thing if they “didn’t care about having a job the next day.”

Other leaders have insisted that they ask for feedback all the time, and again, their direct reports would give a contradictory message. Obviously, there is a disconnect if leaders say that they ask, and the people they work with are not hearing the invitation. Ultimately, however, most leaders do not ask for input for two reasons: They are not sure that they want the answers, or they do not feel comfortable asking in the first place.

Why don’t leaders want the answers that might reveal valuable information that is critical for future success? Their reasoning often stems from seven myths of feedback.

Myth 1: If They’re Right, Then I’m Wrong

Perceptions may differ from person to person and may be opposite from how you see yourself. Feedback is not necessarily right or wrong. Remember that others are judging you against their own experience, context, and values.

Myth 2: My Personality Will Have to Change

Feedback is rarely offered in an attempt to fundamentally change someone’s makeup. Most people think that this is impossible anyway. Usually people give feedback hoping that you will fine-tune certain aspects of your personality—not change it altogether. For example, someone might ask you to speak up more in meetings, but they likely will not request that you turn your quiet self into a member of the Osborne family.

Myth 3: They’ll Point Out All My Mistakes

Feedback is not a detailed analysis of your past or present mistakes. If you have made some—and all of us do—they likely came with some negative fallout. Formal feedback surveys actually can help you to gauge the extent and intensity of what people might be feeling as a result of your misstep. How upset is your team about your failure to deal with a particular under performer? You might be relieved to find that the issue is barely a blip on their radar screens. Or you might learn that an incident is still stewing and that more patch up is necessary.

Myth 4: I’ll Have to Do Something I Don’t Want to Do

While asking for input requires confidence, humility, and a respect for others’ opinions, it does not require you to respond with action steps that you feel are undesirable, uncomfortable, or impossible. I will talk more about this later in this chapter.

Myth 5: I Already Know What They’ll Say

There is almost always a discrepancy between the self we think we are and the self that is perceived by the rest of the world. In receiving feedback, you likely will get a picture of yourself that will be more accurate than the one you have now. And others’ comments not only may surprise you, but they also may validate your worth far better than you do.

Myth 6: They’ll Take It as an Opportunity to Get Back at Me

In my experience coaching almost 3000 men and women, feedback that is spiteful and revengeful is as rare as having a fish jump in my kayak. (It happened once.) People generally offer a fair assessment of the behaviors they are asked to rate and thoughtful replies to questions posed. They often also express a warm regard for the person being assessed.

Myth 7: This Is Going to Hurt

Actually, it might, but only in the short term. While you likely will not be squashed by a litany of your deficits and faults, you could be disappointed or angry about what you are told. Asking for feedback takes courage, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. In expansive, expensive corner offices, as well as in windowless cubicles, I have seen jaws quiver, knees jerk, eyes brim with tears, and more than a little defensiveness surface as I have reviewed feedback reports with leaders. In the long run, however, you will be far better off knowing how you are perceived by people who are playing often critical roles in your future success.