Assessing the Risks

The most extreme risks, in terms of consequences, generally are the least likely, but that's no reason to abandon caution. Although the chances of your child's being forced into a physically abusive situation as a result of an online encounter are low, online socializers face other dangers: the kind of stuff that has been going on in school lunchrooms, locker rooms, bathrooms, and parking lots for generations. Now it happens online, tooeverything from pranks and mean gossip to insults, threats and impersonation, to compromising party videos and overexposure, to self-published child porn.

Kids are also being exposed to a constant barrage of sexually charged images from the profiles and Web sites of other teens on social networks, as well as in the ads and programming of conventional media.

"The more often a person is exposed to these themes, the more normal it seems and the more desensitizing it becomes," said Dr. Sharon Cooper, forensic pediatrician and adjunct Professor of Pediatrics at the University of North Carolina. Dr. Cooper also worries about some of the language that is becoming commonplace in popular culture. "Kids have started referring to themselves in sexually derogatory terms associated with prostitution."

Most of these dangers aren't life-threatening, but in some cases they can have an enormous impact on a child's self-esteem and, potentially, his or her future. Cyberbullying is the most common "risk" for middle-school-age social networkers. And privacy and protecting reputations is the biggest issue for high-school-age kids and college students.

Let's look at some of the more dangerous risks, beginning with the ones we fear most.

Adult Predators

Physical molestation, along with abduction, is a parent's worst nightmare. What we know about this terrible scenario is that abduction and rape resulting from an online encounter are highly unlikely.

The most likely online scenario leading to a sexual encounter, according to UNH's Crimes Against Children Research Center and interviews with analysts at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, is that children will be lured into an online encounter with a person they meet online and then persuaded, perhaps over time, to meet that person offline and engage in sexual activity. Although such activity may legally and morally be classified as statutory rape, in situations involving a minor and an adult, the sexual activity is rarely forced.

Key Parenting Point

Kids may be naïve about the consequences of having sex with an adult but not necessarily blind to what they are doing. Only a small minority of offenders hide their intentions, as we mentioned earlier in the chapter. So for parents and law enforcement officials, a big part of the battle is not so much protecting kids against attack as protecting them against their own misjudgment.

To prevent our children from becoming compliant victims, we need to teach them to be alert when in public online and to understand the risks of engaging in communications with people they don't know. That requires critical thinking and an understanding about how people try to manipulate children in seemingly benign ways.

Though this may seem more challenging than just teaching children to avoid physically dangerous situations, instilling mere awareness (of potential manipulation and danger) in them can go a long way toward ensuring safe, constructive social networking online and also in their off-line encounters.

How Predators Groom Their Victims

Predators can be extremely skilled and patient, taking the time to groom their victims by paying them compliments or offering an understanding shoulder to lean on. In some cases, they also try intimidation.

Some of the things that predators say may look similar to what real friends might say, but if your kids get comments or questions like these from someone they don't know, they should recognize them as signs to be a bit suspicious.

We've developed some "lines" that can help parents and kids recognize predators. These lines are based on our own observations and on a report on cyberstalking and grooming published in June 2004 by the University of Central Lancashire in the United Kingdom. "Cyber Stalking, Abusive Cyber Sex, and Online Grooming" identifies common grooming techniques, and is based mostly on the kind of grooming that goes on in chat rooms:

• "Where's your computer in the house?" If the answer is "my bedroom," it tells the person that the parents are less likely to be in the room.

• "What's your favorite band/designer/film/gear?" Questions like these tell the groomer more about a child so that the groomer knows what gifts to offer: concert tickets, a Webcam, software, clothes, CDs, and so on.

• "I know someone who can get you a modeling job." Flattery, groomers figure, will get them everywhere.

• "I know a way you can earn money fast." This line is one of the tactics that snagged 13-year-old Justin Berry, into what became his Webcam prostitution business, which Kurt Eichenwald wrote about in the New York Times on December 19, 2005 ("Through His Webcam, a Boy Joins a Sordid Online World").

• "You seem sad. Tell me what's bothering you." This line is a sympathy schtick that can help turn a predator into a confidant.

• "What's your phone number?" Asking for personal info of any kind usually happens at a later stage, after the target is feeling comfortable with the groomer. All kids who go online should know not to give out personal info online.

• "If you don't [do what I ask], I'll [tell your parents or share your photos in a photo blog, Webcam directory, or file-sharing network]." Intimidation usually begins later, as the groomer learns more and more about the target.

• "You are the love of my life." This line is what "Amy," 15, fell for before traveling out of state to meet someone who'd groomed her (quoted in "Amy's Story," a 2002 feature article in the Teens section of NCMEC's Netsmartz.org).

Surveys and Questionnaires

One way to teach awareness is to explain to kids how predators groom their victims. One predator technique is to harvest as much information as possible about kids so that they can more easily manipulate them. Too much information makes the predator's job way too easy.

For example, surveys can provide an enormous amount of material at one glance. MySpace encourages users to complete an official profile questionnaire that asks about interests and favorite music, movies, and TV shows, as well as religion, habits, and sexual preference. Kids do not have to fill out these questionnaires. Some kids actually (probably wisely) fictionalize their answers to throw off observers who aren't their friends.

There are also some very popular third-party surveys that kids can fill out and post to their pages. Some of these surveys ask a lot of personal questions about likes, dislikes, personal feelings, drug and alcohol use, and sexual practices. The answers to such questions, if viewed by a would-be predator, could be used to exploit potential victims. In general, these surveys are not endorsed by MySpace but can be inserted into a profile using HTML code (see Chapter 7 for examples of these surveys and more information).

Special Risks for Some Kids

One size never fits all. And while our general advice applies to the vast majority of kids, it doesn't apply to everyone. That's where parents come in. It's your job to assess your child's unique needs and proceed accordingly.

There are some teens that are particularly vulnerable and may need a bit of extra attention from parents when they're online. Adrien Survol Rivin, a clinical social worker from Los Angeles who specializes in treating adolescents, worries about kids who are very compliant. "Children who are compliant in the real word," according to Rivin, "are more likely to act out by being non-compliant when they're online."

Part of being non-compliant is taking chances, such as entering into conversations with people they meet online. But, when under the influence of a predator, such children revert back to their old compliant selves because, says Rivin, "that's what they're used to, and they don't know how to be anything but compliant."

Paradoxically, she also worries about the "perfect kid." "If a kid is being perfect it may be that there are things that can't be expressed, so they have to go outside of the real word to find a place to break out of that mold. Often there is a certain level of excitement and danger that goes along with this." Predators know how to take advantage of such children, giving them the acceptance that they seek. Another issue with "perfect kids," said Rivin, is that "parents tend not to worry about them. They're excelling in school, music, sports and other activities, so it's easy for a parent to assume that everything is fine."

Still, says Dr. Richard Toft, a Palo Alto, Calif., child psychologist, "most kids are capable of knowing where to draw the line between online and offline relationships. There is a point were you have to move your body out of that chair and into the street, and that's a big step that most kids just won't take."

Harassment and Cyberbullying

Harassing peers in the process of figuring out where one stands in the social pecking order is nothing new. It's mostly a pre-teen and young-teen phenomenon. Cyberbullying is its online version, and it has become just as serious. It can include teasing kids about their appearance, sexuality, or other attributes; attempting to embarrass a child through the use of text, photos, video, and other media; and in some cases, threats and physical intimidation. There have been cases of kids creating Web sites with the sole purpose of harassing other kids and even trying to taunt them into committing suicide. Bullying can take place via email, chat rooms, IM, Web sites, interactive online games, social-networking sites, and cell phones. Sometimes, it spills over into the "real world."

Dealing with cyberbullying can be tough. In some cases, school officials or police can help, but if no laws are being broken, the police can't step in. Sometimes, too, the offensive behavior falls under the rubric of free speech.

One thing is for sure: Your kids need to understand that if they're mistreated by others, it's not their fault.

Advice for Dealing with Cyberbullies

The Canadian Web site Cyberbullying.org recommends the following tips for kids in dealing with bullying online:

• Don't reply to messages from cyberbullies. Even though you may want to respond, this is exactly what cyberbullies want. They want to know that they've got you worried and upset. They are trying to mess with your mind and control youto put fear into you. Don't give them that pleasure.

• Do not keep this to yourself! You are not alone, and you did not do anything to deserve the bullying. Tell an adult you know and trust about the situation.

• Inform your Internet service provider (ISP) or cell phone service.

• Inform your local police. Do this with a parent's help, if the behavior seems to call for it.

• Do not erase or delete messages from cyberbullies. You don't have to read the messages, but keep them; they are your evidence. Unfortunately, you may get similar messages again, perhaps from other accounts. If they're involved, the police, your ISP, and/or your cell phone service can use these messages to help you.

Don't Let Your Own Kids Be Cyberbullies

Most cases of cyberbullying involve kids as perpetrators as well as victims, so it's important to make sure that your kids aren't bullying others.

In "A Parents' Guide to Cyberbullying and Cyberthreats" (Center for Safe & Responsible Internet Use, December 2005), author Nancy Willard recommends that parents discuss with their kids "the value of treating others with kindness and respect and about your expectation that your child will act in accord with these values online." She also recommends that parents institute repercussions and enforce them when their child "engages in irresponsible online behavior."

Privacy and Security

We discussed in Chapter 2 the issue of teens laboring under what may be a false sense of privacy and security. To them it may seem like this is just "teen space" but it's not. Even kids who say they never give out personal information in chat rooms have told us they feel more comfortable revealing that information on MySpace, even though what they post can be seen, used, or shared by virtually anyone (unless they have a private profile).

Though we suspect that this situation is changing because of the enormous publicity about social-networking risks, we have spoken with numerous teens who still feel that MySpace truly is their space. Kids who told us that they would never post personal information in a chat room have argued that that rule shouldn't apply to social-networking sites, as though these sites somehow had a greater level of security than chat rooms.

But that's simply not true. Unless your kids have a private profile (which is now an option for all users and the default for 14 and 15 year olds), much of what they post on MySpace can be seen by virtually anyone. So even if their intentions are to communicate with their friends, they need to be aware that they have more "friends" than they realized.

What teens post in online public spaces without regard for their privacy and future prospects is the social Web's most common risk for high-school-age and college-age people. Parents are right to be concerned about this because, as of this writing, there isn't much evidence that teen social networkers are thinking about it enough: Young people need to think before they post. They need to consider whether they want a prospective employer, for example, to see what they're posting about themselves and their friends. Google, Yahoo, and MSN search aren't the only places where people can search for them. Social-network search boxes aren't just used to find friends, but also potential college recruits, employees, or anyone doing "background checks." There's also a permanent Internet Archive (more about that in a minute).

What kids need to think about (and parents can help them think about) is the "you-can't-take-it-back" issue. Once something's on a Web site or sent to a friend via cellphone, IM, or email, it's out of their control.

A friend can copy 'n' paste, pass it along, or upload it to a myriad of sites and services. It may be something a friend shares unthinkingly, or it might be passed along as a joke or maliciously, by an ex-friend who somehow got the originator's IM or email password.

Key Parenting Point

For younger MySpacers, it would be ideal for parents to be on their kids' friends lists, the better to monitor what's going on in their online social lives. But at least consider a family rule that friends lists are only for people whom both the children and a parent know in real life.

Privacy is Double-Edge Sword

In June 2006 MySpace changed its privacy policy to allow anyone, including users 16 or older, to create a private profile.

Though we agree that people should have the right to privacy features, it's also important to point out that privacy is a double-edge sword. The upside is that privacy features can make your child's profile visible only to people on his or her friends list.

The downside is that parents may want to see their kids' profiles too. They need to be aware that privacy features can also block them unless they're on their kids' friends lists. There have been some calls to require social-networking sites to notify parents when minors set up a social-networking profile, but as of this writing we are not aware of any specific legislation, nor are we sure how it would work.

A public profile makes it harder for kids to carry on underground conversations, which can support or reinforce destructive behaviors such as anorexia, self-mutilation, discrimination, violence, or alcohol or drug abuse in kids who are troubled and seeking that kind of "support."

You may have heard about one well-publicized case in Kansas, in which five teenage boys used their public MySpace accounts to trumpet their intention to shoot up their school. An adult woman in North Carolina spotted the page and alerted authorities, who found the boys' weapons. A few media reports actually "blamed" MySpace, but the public MySpace profile and the alert woman might actually have helped prevent a tragedy. Of course, MySpace and other social networks aren't the only places where troubled teens can get reinforcement from kids with similar inclinations.

The Permanent Internet Archive

Even when no one goes out of the way to hold on to what you post, it can still hang around forever. Google, for example, has a temporary "cache" of Web pages that have been changed or deleted. There's also a site called the "Internet Archive" (archive.org) that is archiving almost everything on the Web to "offer permanent access for researchers, historians, and scholars," the site says. It doesn't matter to them that your kid's MySpace profile isn't the Gettysburg Address. It's part of the Internet and, thanks to this nonprofit service, it's potentially enshrined forever (Figure 5.3).

Figure 5.3. The Internet Archive's "WayBackMachine" can resurrect 55 billion defunct Web pages.

People can ask the archive to remove their pages, providing they have those pages' URLs. If kids find their pages (by typing the URL into the archive's search box on its home page), they can email the archive (see its FAQ) with the URL, requesting deletion. Allow for "about a two-day turnaround," the Internet Archive's spokesperson told us.

Phishing and Malicious Software

Many kids have access to credit or debit cards that should be shared only with legitimate merchants. Children as well as adults can fall victim to "phishing" schemes, in which they get an email that appears to come from a legitimate organization but that contains links to a rogue Web site (one that is not what it appears to be or says it is). Information that you provide to a rogue site can be used to steal your identity, break into your online accounts, and/or withdraw money from your various accounts. Kids should also be reminded never to give out their social security numbers to anyone without checking with their parents (Figure 5.4).

Figure 5.4. This looks just like PayPal's home page, but the URL at the top doesn't say paypal.com. Any information you type could well go to a criminal who can use it to break into your account.

There is even the risk of phishing within social networking. One visitor to our BlogSafety.com forum reported that his son visited a profile containing a link to a picture or video. When the boy clicked the link, what looked like a MySpace page popped up, saying, "You need to be logged in to do that." So he logged back in (or thought he did). But instead of giving his password to MySpace, he unknowingly gave it to a fake site that looked just like MySpace, meaning that his personal info fell into the hands of criminals. Someone used the young man's account name and password to impersonate him and create a malicious profile about him on another Web site.

Key Parenting Point

Whether a phishing attack comes via email, IM, MySpace, or any other means, the safest way to log into a Web site where you're asked for a password, credit card numbers, or any other confidential information is to type the Web address (URL) of the site yourself, rather than clicking on a link to it.

The Art of Creating a Password

Many people worry about hackers stealing passwords, but in reality, many people in effect give them away by being careless.

Common mistakes are choosing passwords that are easy to guess, using the same passwords for all the sites you visit, and sometimes allowing other people to know your passwords. We know of a case in which a 13-year-old girl emailed sexually explicit photos of herself to a boy who had shared his email password with a "friend." That friend proceeded to find the photos and post them on a public Web page he created just to hurt the girl's reputation.

One simple way to pick a hard-to-guess password is to make up a phrase you can remember but others would never guess, and then base your password on letters and numbers from that phrasefor example, a phrase like "I started Kennedy High School in '03" to generate the tough-to-guess password IsKHSi03. It's also a good idea not to use the same password on all sites and definitely not to use important passwords (such as the MySpace one) on sites you don't fully trust.

Key Parenting Point

Tell your kids why it's important not to let their friends have their passwords. Friends don't always stay friendsand they can be careless with passwords and share them with people your kids may not even know. Friends can also play pranks (like sharing very personal info from or impersonating someone who shared their password) and get people in trouble, mistakenly or to be meansuch as the case of the 13-year-old girl we just mentioned.

Updates and Security Software

We won't go into a lot of detail here, but everyone who uses the Internet should protect their PC by making sure it has the latest updates and by using security software that helps prevent a variety of problems, including viruses, spyware, and worms that install code that takes control of your PC or steals your passwords and credit card info. Windows security programs are available from a variety of companies, including McAfee, Microsoft, Trend Micro, and Zone Alarm. Symantec offers security software for both Windows and Macintosh (Figure 5.5).

Figure 5.5. Microsoft's Windows Update page at update.microsoft.com automatically scans Windows PCs to make sure they have the latest security updates.

You'll find more security tips at www.blogsafety.net/parentbook.

Legal Risks and School Policies

Kids aren't just victims of crime and harassment; they can be perpetrators as well. Kids need to be reminded that there are consequences to their online behavior. In addition to being wrong and rude, using the Internet to harass or annoy others can get your kids into trouble with school authorities or even the law. Kids should also know that there is a line between online "flirting" and sexual harassment that should not be crossed. Most parents have a pretty good idea where that line is, so as uncomfortable as it may be, it's a good idea to talk with your kids about it.

The same is true of other online infringements, such as hacking, invading others' privacy, planting viruses, or posting libelous or slanderous information, as well as copyright infringements. Young people also need to be aware that what they post on the Net can be used against them, now or in the future. There are numerous cases of police and school officials taking actions against young people based on information posted on MySpace and other social networks or revealed in chat rooms or via email.

For example, the Associated Press reported in April 2006 that two teenage boys in northern California were arrested for possession of "destructive devices" after posting a video on MySpace showing them firebombing an empty airline hanger ("Teens arrested after posting alleged firebombing video on MySpace.com"). And some colleges and high schools monitor MySpace and Facebook profiles for evidence of underage drinking or illegal drug use.

Parents and kids should check the Internet-use policies that apply in their schools. Schools have already taken action against students for posting things that administrators considered to be inappropriate. In the October 26, 2005, issue of the Boston Globe, writer Sarah Schweitzer reported a case in which the head of the student government association at Fisher College in Boston was expelled for comments about a campus police officer that he posted to his Facebook account. A school spokesperson told the Globe that the young man "was found to be in violation of the Student Guide and Code of Conduct."

Some schools ban school-based social networking outright. Although we don't necessarily agree with such a policy, students at those schools should know about it and its consequences.

Exposure to Inappropriate Material

Posting or viewing text, photos, and videos that are inappropriate for children is less an issue on MySpace and most legitimate social-networking sites than it is on the Web in general.

First, MySpace policy prohibits "photographs containing nudity, or obscene, lewd, excessively violent, harassing, sexually explicit or otherwise objectionable subject matter." Of course it's possible for such material to sneak past the company's censors, but if it's found, it's removed.

Second, we're not saying there isn't material in MySpace that some parents would find objectionable for their teens, but there are plenty of other places on the Net where teens are more likely to find this material.

A lot has been said and written about exposure to material (such as pornography) that can be considered "harmful to minors." Congress has gotten into the act several times with laws designed to protect kids against pornography and Web sites that are violent or hateful, or that advocate dangerous or illegal activity. In most cases, these laws have been challenged in court, and in many cases, they've been struck down for being overly broad and unconstitutional based on the First Amendment's protection of free speech.

Online pornography is a multibillion-dollar business, and although many porn sites require credit card access for much of their material, there is plenty out there that kids can find for free, including photos, stories, and videos. There are even pornographic videos that can be downloaded to iPods and game players.

Child Pornography

Although any form of pornography can be disturbing, especially if seen by young children, there is a legal (and, we would argue, moral) distinction between adult pornography and child pornography. Most sexually explicit material on the Internet is legal, but an exception is pornography that meets the following conditions, according to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children's CyberTipline:

• "Depicts a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct and is obscene"

or

• "Depicts an image that is, or appears to be, of a minor engaging in graphic sexual activity ... whether between persons of the same or opposite sex, and such depiction lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value."

Federal law makes this type of material illegal in every state, and it's also illegal in many other countries. If you or your children come across such material, you should report it at once to the CyberTipline by visiting www.cybertipline.com or calling 800-843-5678.

Key Parenting Point

We've noticed a small but growing number of "self-published child porn" cases. That's our term for when kids take sexually explicit and/or nude photos of themselves and email, IM, or upload them to Web sites, often with no concept of the potential impact on their lives if this material is passed around. Federal laws haven't caught up with this new phenomenon, and prosecutors around the country are wrestling with the issue. But according to Mary Leary, deputy director of the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children's Office of Legal Counsel, "Kids face the possibility of charges much more so now than in the past."

If Your Kids Are Viewing Porn ...

Adult pornography, although legal, can be disturbing. But how you respond to a child's exposure to it should depend on several factors, including the age and maturity of your child, how he or she encounters it, how much time is spent looking at it and how it is affecting your child.

Overreacting generally is the worst response, because it tends to make kids take cover and become less communicative at a time when communication is really needed.