Chapter 2: How do I Know Whom to Include?

Overview

A wedding is a good example of the challenges and complexities of involvement. It's certainly something that is hard to do alone. And anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows that the question, "Whom will we include?" is a big, big deal.

The kind of wedding we want has a big influence on whom we invite. The answer can range from the Las Vegas quickie to a wedding on a royal scale at St. Paul's Cathedral. If the couple chooses the Las Vegas option, fewer people are involved than in the royal scale wedding, which involves many people and many decisions. Most people come out somewhere in between.

Usually, the bride makes a list and the groom makes a list. Their lists include people they want to have there (like their best friends from school and their favorite aunts and uncles) as well as people they feel obligated to ask (like grouchy cousin Lula and brother-in-law Jack, who always gets drunk at weddings). Clashes arise between bride and groom over the size of their lists and specific inclusions and exclusions (such as old flames and buddies considered obnoxious by the opposite party). Eventually the parents of the bride and groom (who are often helping to pay for the whole deal) weigh in with their lists, including local friends and neighbors, business associates, and distant relatives who have never even met the bride and groom. The numbers begin to expand.

Soon the thinking turns to the support needed for the kind of wedding wanted: whom to include in the wedding party, the kind of clothing, the time of the event, the photographer, the videographer, the menu, the music, who sits with whom, and whose family tradition we follow for the first dance. Soon the mushrooming numbers rub up against such practical realities as the size of the catering hall and the budget. Sometimes the conflicts become so intense that the young lovers decide to elope instead—or call off the wedding altogether.

The kind of wedding we choose will determine whom to include and when. It raises issues dealing with different points of view, influence, and budget while at the same time keeping the fundamental goal in mind: making this a memorable and meaningful event for those getting married.

Just as people planning weddings often worry about whom to include, people in organizations worry about whom to include to get things done. Whether you are planning a wedding or your next staff meeting or leading a work initiative, whom to include is a big deal.

In answering the question, "How do I know whom to include?" we focus on three points:

• How do I involve more than the usual people?

• How many people should I include?

• Should the same people be involved throughout all the work?