How To Respond | The Transparency Edge. How Credibiltiy Can Make or Break You in Business

Sitting calmly and listening to what other people think of us might not be a picnic. Hearing something we disagree with introduces what psychologists call “the threat of dissonance,” whereby we are at first confused and frustrated, and to reduce the frustration, we flee mentally from the situation by tuning out what the speaker is saying or by distorting it so we will not have to alter our perceptions. We do this unconsciously, not deliberately ( The Dynamics of Human Communication, Michelle Tolela Myers and Gail Myers, New York, McGraw-Hill, 1973, p. 203).

We also will put up large walls to defend our self-image. Asked whether their leaders accept constructive feedback in a positive manner and without defensiveness, 76 percent of 7444 executives said that there is room for improvement, and 80 percent of those leaders’ bosses agreed.

If your listener senses defensiveness or otherwise unappreciative and arms-across-your-chest responses, the interaction likely will have an abrupt ending. Here are some examples of feedback-buster responses that you will want to avoid when you are receiving feedback:

I can’t believe you feel like that.
This doesn’t make sense.
Don’t you think that’s immature?
Wait a minute now.
Look at my side of it.
After all I’ve done for you.
But it’s such a little thing.
This is ridiculous.
This makes me feel awful.
You obviously don’t understand.

If you find yourself in a feedback situation where the information causes you to bristle, for whatever reason, simply say “Thank you” and move on. You can always choose to respond further after you have taken time to allow the emotions to subside and to think clearly about a smart follow-up strategy.

When you learn about something that is important to others, you may want to make a change in your leadership style. If so, commit to a plan and proper timing. For instance, if your team wants you to be more accessible and more of a coach and you want to accommodate their request but the entire southeast sales structure is in transition, you may need to put change off. Show that you value their feedback, acknowledge that you agree, and then promise that you will get together with them within 60 days to determine the next steps. Delaying action with good reason is okay. Just be sure to follow through.

Before committing to any change, however, make sure that you not only believe in it but that you also feel sure that it is even possible. Since our first anniversary, my husband and I have always had annual “summit meetings” to get information from each other about how we can improve our marriage. I tell him a few items he is doing well and a few he could change, and he does the same for me. Admittedly, there are moments when both of us have to dig deep so as not to respond defensively. It is tempting to say, “Whoa, wait a minute, excuse me, the reason I do that is . . . you don’t understand.” But usually we manage to resist the urge and get to the information that’s important. One of the items on Herb’s request list has been, “I’d appreciate it if you’d put things back where you find them. It would make life easier.” He is not the kind of person who likes to hunt for the remote control. And he does not understand why it is difficult for me to return things to the same place I got them. When he first brought this request to the table, I told him that I would have to think about it. After a week, I went to him and said, “You know, I understand that this is important to you, but I can’t do it.” Remember, credibility is based on honesty with others, and that starts with being honest with yourself. I was not proud of this. I would have preferred to say, “Sure, I’ll do that. Not a problem.” But I know it is simply not in my makeup to be so neat, and promising otherwise would have set Herb up for a big disappointment and me up for failure. “I can’t do it” can be an appropriate response to a request made through feedback, especially if it means that you maintain honesty and keep your promises.

Before you do anything in response to someone’s feedback, think. Ask yourself

Can I do this? Am I capable of it?
Do I want to do it?
Is this the right time?

Also consider the following to ensure that you respond effectively:

Talk about the feedback. If you have gone through a formal feedback process, have a personal conversation about your feedback, making a response evident to your followers or peers. Do not just casually mention it in the hallway or squeeze in a few comments before a Monday morning staff meeting. Address your team or sit with an individual and say something like, “I got my feedback. Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts. Now, I’d like to share what I learned.” Summarize what you learned. Keep it brief and practical.

Share the good news. Tell others what you learned that you were glad to hear about. Assure them that you are going to keep doing all those things they appreciate.

Take bold action. If you want to make a change and the time is right, make the change obvious. Even consider announcing it. If you move too slowly with subtle changes, people may not notice anything different. If you are not going to make destructive comments anymore, say: “I won’t be making destructive comments anymore, and if I slip up, please let me know.” Of course, you would not want to take such bold action unless you firmly believed in the value of and your ability to make the change.

Don’t be overzealous. Trying to change too many things at once is tempting for many high-achieving leaders. But remain focused. People probably will be content if you choose one thing to improve and you do so with great success. Target one or two things over the next 6 months, make a plan, and work it.

Clearly define your target. Change becomes nearly impossible if goals are not specific. “Be a better listener” is too loose, whereas “avoid interrupting others” is a specific behavior that can help you to listen more effectively.

Follow up with people—again and again and again. This is a critical step and one that most leaders fail to do. Follow up with your team individually at regular intervals—perhaps every 2 months. Doing so allows you to monitor your progress and possibly get additional information that might help you in the change process. Studies prove that the more consistent the follow-up, the more effective the leader is perceived to be. And consistent follow-up can result in perceptions of improvement not only in target areas but also in overall leadership effectiveness.