As mentioned earlier in the book, some people have a desire to find a "magic pill" that produces masterful writing. This desire for a simple fix doesn't happen just among game designers. I've seen various trends sweep through Hollywood, as executives or writers searched for just such a surefire formula. They'll grasp onto one for a time until they realize it doesn't produce predictable hits, and then abandon it, only to scramble for the next theory.
The solution isn't a formula. The solution is to start with a strong premise, structure the story well, come up with inventive plot twists, and then add techniques that, one by one, steadily enhance the artistry and emotional impact of the writing. The richness of writing comes from Technique Stacking.
The first of the three scene samples was weak not because the writer was "bad," but because the writer didn't know and didn't apply all those techniques that were integrated into the next version.
There is no magic pill. As with painting or programming, becoming an accomplished writer takes time and study. And, as in any artform, the day will never come when even the best writer still can't improve.
By the way, remember that the following Glossary explains all the terms used in the "deconstructed version" of the scene.