Happy families

Just before South America was conquered, the Indians in Peru spotted Spanish sailing ships on the horizon. Not knowing what a ship looked like, they didn t realize that these could contain soldiers. Assuming that the boats were a freak of the weather, the Indians ignored the warning.

We also deprive ourselves of vital knowledge if we don t know what to look for. Our relationships aren t only romantic ones, the people who are important to us obviously include our children. Those of us who didn t have a particularly happy childhood often repeat the sad pattern as parents, because we don t know how happy families work.

Happy families are all alike;
every unhappy family is unhappy
in its own way.

Tolstoy s Anna Karenina

There is a formula for happy families that we can copy.

Happy families practice love spirals

Most parents love their children, but in happy families the parents demonstrate their love all the time.

Raising children is difficult. The intensity of family life is such that things can only go two ways.

One is a downward spiral. The baby screams, the kids break something, some mishap occurs. The stressed parents respond with criticism or punishment . The kids scream louder. Things get worse and worse .

The other is an upward spiral. The kids are cute, adventurous, smiling. They love learning and attention. Even a mother s mere presence makes a young child feel secure and happy. Parents take pride in their children and practice small acts of love, which make the children even more playful and sunny. This in turn elicits further love from the parents, and so on.

Both spirals are evident in all families, yet in happy families the positive spirals outweigh the negative ones. Over time, the children in happy families become more secure and content and will usually reinforce the positive spirals.

The parents set the tone by their early actions, when the family is just starting and the first baby is born. By creating and reinforcing the positive spirals and defusing the negative ones, the parents slowly but surely craft a happy family.

The return on early acts of parental love is enormous . For relatively little effort, there is a massive benefit, for the child and the whole family.

Happy families use more positive than negative feedback

Researchers at one school noticed that teachers praised good work and blamed bad behavior. As an experiment, teachers were trained to praise both good work and good behavior ” and to ignore bad behavior. Soon the bad behavior largely vanished.

At home, too, praise is more effective than blame, creating upward spirals. The 80/20 Way exalts praise ” praise is easy and the return over the lifetime of the child is immense. Praise is to children s development as water is to plants: the tiniest encouragement leads to massive flowering. A capable, well-intentioned child will have a terrific positive impact on other people throughout life. A little praise for a child today has enormous lasting benefits.

Try counting the number of times you and your spouse say yes or no to your children. Make a conscious effort to say yes more and no less. Count again a week later. See the difference it makes.

Happy families have parents who are always available and generous with their time

Close bonding between parent and child creates security and happiness throughout life.

Children don t understand the concept of quality time, they want attention all the time. They are right. The 80/20 Way is to give more care and love to fewer people , the people we care most about. All time spent with one of your children is time well spent, with an enormous payoff for the child, for the rest of the family, and for society.

If you really can t be available for your children, make sure that you are elsewhere or invisible ” absence can be accepted, being too busy when you are visible cannot.

Happy families have united and loving parents

Children are shrewd, skilled negotiators . They love playing off one parent against the other. They find conflict intriguing and sometimes empowering.

At all costs, quash such games . Parents need to show that they love one another, even when they are annoyed. The payoff is that forcing love to win over grumpiness will make you happier too.

Happy families can cope with disaster or difficult children

Happy families, by and large, do not have an easier time than unhappy families. They just cope better with challenges.

If you have children, be prepared for the possibility of a difficult child. Children are unpredictable free agents and they can shock you.

Some friends had a very difficult son, yet coped with him very well. I asked them how.

We went for parent effectiveness training, said the father. They divide problems into three categories. There are our own problems, caused by the parents or the rest of the family. Then there are shared problems, created by child and family together. Then there are the child s own problems, essentially unrelated to the family. Each type requires a different solution.

When we were counseled, his wife added, we found that most of the conflict flowed from our son s problems. We were trained to change our response, when Charles [the son] had problems. We offered suggestions to him and left it to him to decide what he was going to do. This reduced family conflict by three- quarters ; our family life became far hap- pier. Charles was happier, because we stopped telling him what to do all the time.

Happy families impose discipline but never withdraw love

Punishment works, but only when the limits of acceptable behavior are completely clear, so the child knows what he or she is being punished for. Withdrawing privileges for a time is safe and effective. It must always be clear that the punishment is for the action and isn t a reflection on the child s character. Whatever the child has done, never suspend warmth, affection, or love.

Some very good friends learnt this the hard way. They have two boys, now in their late teens, both intelligent and charming. Over the years , however, they have had major problems with Daniel, the younger child.

When he was 11, Daniel stole some money and successfully ” for a time ” deflected the blame onto an innocent schoolmate. Daniel s mother, feeling that radical action was necessary, withdrew her affection from Daniel ” for a month, she refused to talk to him or have anything to do with him.

Her action proved disastrous. When she realized her mistake, she tried to make up for it by very close love, attention, and constructive action over the next five years. But Daniel, and therefore the whole family, continued to have significant problems, partly caused by the withdrawal of love at that very difficult time.

Punishment is not the only, nor usually the best, way of imposing discipline. When faced with a crying, pouting, or demanding child, it s tempting to punish or give way to the kid s demands for the sake of peace . Instead, however, the child can be told that whining won t work, but that a smiley face might do the trick. If from the age of four you reward smiley faces more than screams and pouts, guess what your child will tend to go for?

Happy families share bedtime stories and best moments

The 10 “20 minutes before children fall asleep are the most priceless and influential. Reading a suitable story demonstrates love and sends the child off to sleep with a store of dreaming material.

One friend s kids love their bedtime stories, because dad makes up stories that include them as key characters . You can work out the stories in advance or ask imaginative friends for ideas.

Another great idea is to ask your children, What did you like doing today? If they remember all the good things, they will go to sleep in a peaceful and satisfied frame of mind. Some psychologists believe that this practice helps to inoculate children against depression.

Given the value of this time, both to the children directly and in cementing your bond with them, make this a daily habit. The effort is small ” the reward enormous.