Dealing with Difficult People | Tools for Team Leadership: Delivering the X-Factor in Team eXcellence

While the alternatives listed above should cover 90 percent of all conflicts that arise, there are always people who are particularly difficult to deal with. In Tools for Team Excellence (pp. 155-158) I included an approach for dealing with difficult people that was developed by Piaget and Binkley. Since the publication of that book, I have refined the approach based on my own experience.

Before I describe my seven-step method, try to identify who it is you find most difficult to deal with. Is it the know-it-all? The person who holds a grudge? The person who doesn't communicate? The person who is easily angered? The guilt-tripper? The politician? The liar? The intimidator? A person you resent ? The clown? The person who is unreliable? Notice how different the various "difficult people" can be. Someone who is difficult for me to deal with may not be that problematic to you. Actually the most difficult type of person to deal with is the person on whom your usual methods of dealing with conflict will not work. Did you catch that? Your usual methods just won't work on that person. You probably won't change that person, but if you attempt a breakthrough conversation with him or her, you will need to change how you react to what he or she does or says. If you are willing to give it at least one more try, here are some steps I would recommend.

Decide whether it's worth it. You first have to decide whether it is worth dealing with this person. I know that sounds harsh . However, it will probably take some hard work and could be emotionally risky for you to confront him. However, it may be worth it if you need to work closely with him to get the work done. You may also think it is worth taking a chance because there is something intriguing about being in a relationship with him. If you do not need to interact with him very much and if your work is not intricately interdependent with him, you might consider minimizing your interactions. If that is the case, use the avoiding and accommodating strategies described previously instead of attempting a breakthrough conversation.
FORM 1
Behavioral Contract
1. I,_____, believe that we could work more effectively if you would
  - Do the following things more often:
  - Do the following things less often:
  - Do the following things differently (explain):
2. If you agree to make these changes, I would be willing to reciprocate by agreeing to
  - Do the following things more often:
  - Do the following things less often:
  - Do the following things differently (explain):
Signed,
Observe and prepare. Observe the person for about a week. Note her patterns, including what she does and especially what she tends to say. Try to ignore your preconceived notions about her. Treat her as a scientific experiment, as if you were trying to document an objective pattern rather than trying to catch her doing something wrong. Get clear in your own head why you want to work things out with this person. Prepare and practice your opening line.
Initiate the confrontation and announce the issue's importance for you. Pick a time and a place where the person will not have to save face. Do not attack, discount, or demean him. Do not begin by stating your position or what you want as a solution to the problem. Instead, your opening lines should simply state (1) that you believe that the two of you have not always worked well together and (2) that it is important to you that the two of you try to build a better working relationship. Then ask this person if he is willing to sit down with you and help brainstorm different ways the two of you could work better together. Be brief and then be quiet and wait for a response.
Use your descriptive listening skills. Whatever the person says after your opening comments, repeat back to her her own words in a non-mocking tone. Now is the time to practice your best descriptive listening skills. This allows her to hear herself and perhaps take back some of what she has been saying (thus opening the door for negotiating a better relationship). At the very least, it gives her some respect and attention, and that is just what some difficult people want. Take the high ground and be sure you demonstrate respect. Hear what she has to say so that the two of you can verify and set a tone for the need to clarify assumptions. If she makes a broad, general accusation of you, merely repeat the accusation and express the implications that it holds for you. Do not attack or defend at this point.
Ask clarifying questions and repeat your request to jointly identify no fewer than three options to improve the way the two of you work together. Emphasize that you are not interested in identifying who is to blame for anything. You just want to discover better ways to work together. Do not argue about value differences. Adults do not change their values through debates. Be patient. Every problem is caused by many things, and there are many solutions to every problem. Perhaps the toughest mental discipline you need to work out a difficult conflict is using creativity in finding a solution. If the other person agrees to work with you to generate options to improve relations, don't fall into the trap of generating all the options yourself. It just lets him pick out the flaws in whatever you come up with. Difficult problems do not have perfect solutions. The only way you and this difficult person are going to resolve your conflict is if you agree to an imperfect solution together.

The two of you need to generate no fewer than three ways to improve the way you work together. If only one solution is being discussed, the two of you may compete over whether it is right or wrong. If you each proffer only one solution, the two of you will probably argue about whose solution is better or you may be tempted to split the difference and call it a compromise. Try to come up with many more than three options between you. You may have to postpone the discussion until you both have had time to think of some options. Make sure that it is clear when the two of you will get back together to discuss the options and that there is agreement that both of you will develop several options. After you generate options, you still have to choose which one(s) you will try. Both of you must specify what you will do to implement your chosen actions. If the two of you get to this step and then follow through, you have accomplished a breakthrough conversation.
Do not chase or badger. If the person refuses to discuss the nature of the problem and what the options could be, or if she just walks away, say in a loud but not a mean voice: "I want to work this problem out. It is important to me. I will see you at ”o'clock tomorrow [pick some alternative time] to see if you want to talk about it then." Then make sure you go see the person at whatever time you stated. First ask the person if it is a good time to discuss the matter. Show a willingness to negotiate the time the two of you will meet but make it clear that it is still important to you. If she agrees, return to step 5. If she still refuses to generate options with you, go to step 7.
If all else fails, state your goals and your willingness to negotiate how they will be attained. Be very clear on what you want as an out-come. If you need a certain report or piece of information to do your job, state what you need but be willing to negotiate how the person is to provide you that information. Ask the person if he needs any further explanation of what your goals are. At this stage, repeat back to him virtually anything he says and then repeat your goals and your willingness to negotiate how to achieve these goals. Be assertive rather than aggressive . If this does not work, state the consequences of failing to achieve the goals. Try to not make it sound like a threat but be very clear. Make sure you follow through on anything you say. Do not bluff a consequence. If the person does change his behavior, make sure you praise any improvements (probably in private). If the person interferes with the goals being reached, apply the consequence and recognize that this is likely to end the relationship or at least generate retribution. You may have to repeat any agreements made, and this may rekindle an argument. Just be clear on the goals, your willingness to negotiate how the goals are to be met, and any consequences that will occur if the changes do not occur. Follow through very consistently but don't be a nag. Consistency is the key to rebuilding trust between any two people ”even enemies.