Susan s Story

Susan's Story

Let's end with a story that illustrates the extent to which our teens are continually evolving and why open communication between them and us is a good thing.

"Susan" (not her real name) is an avid MySpace user (her real age is 14). Her parents, who are friends of Larry's, called us because they were concerned Susan was posting too much private information on MySpace, and they didn't understand "this social-networking thing." At the time, she was displaying her full name, lots of pictures of herself, where she went to school, where she hung out after school, and information and pictures from many of her friends. She lied about her age, saying she was over 16 so that she could post a public profile.

Larry had a heart-to-heart chat with Susan, explaining that she really needed to take some steps to protect her privacy. It wasn't a lectureno scare tactics were usedjust an honest discussion of the risks.

We also enlisted Susan's help as we wrote this book and created our Web site, asking her to help us better understand the way teens are using MySpace. Larry and Susan talked for quite a while, with Larry asking most of the questions. It wasn't one of those patronizing conversations where the adult asks questions as a show of interest. It was genuine interest because we needed Susan's expertise. She added Larry to her friends list as part of his MySpace training, a very generous act on her part.

During those conversations, something unexpected happened. Susan, who is very reluctant to discuss social networking with her parents or other adults, not only opened up and told us a great deal, but she started to listen as well. The next thing we knew, she had withdrawn some of her personal information, including her last name, posted new photos that were a bit less provocative, and used her real age, which meant that her profile became private.

But then something else happened. The next time we checked in on her profile, she'd changed her display name to include a sexually suggestive four-letter word, and there was more sexually suggestive material on her page. This was a little tough for Larrywhile he isn't her parent, he felt he and Susan had made some great progress.

So they had another chat. She told him her profile's new look was all an "inside joke" between her and her friends. He pointed out that, even though her profile was private, her very provocative display name was public and that it might be possible for some of the material on her page to find its way to the wrong people. Susan didn't respond, but she apparently listened again, because within a few weeks, she'd changed her disturbing display name and removed some of the age-inappropriate material.

Of course, there's nothing to stop Susan from taking unnecessary risks once again. She, like MySpace and our understanding of social networking, is a work in progress. Fourteen-year-olds, like Web sites, are subject to change without notice. Before we know it, she'll likely be driving a car, going out on real (not just virtual) dates, going to parties where others are perhaps drinking or using drugs, and taking all sorts of other risks. Neither we nor her parents will always be in that car, and we certainly won't be at the parties or along on dates. We can influence her behavior, but we can't control it. And it's important that we not overreact, so that we can continue to have some influence on her decision making.

By far her most effective safeguard, though, is Susan's growing proficiency in fine-tuning a filter that works infinitely better than anything we or her parents could possibly install on her PC. This filter is the software running on the computer between her earsher own developing critical thinking skills and her ability to make appropriate decisions. Susan doesn't know it, but her experience on MySpace and the adults around her who are listening and gently guiding her are helping her get rid of some of the bugs in that software. Susan's going to be just fine.

You may disagreeand if you do, we hope you'll come talk with us about it. See you online at www.BlogSafety.com!