Chapter 14: Facing Personal Upheaval

Overview

Under the broad heading of “personal upheaval,” we find a wide range of disasters, crises, and pain. Most common are the death of a loved one, physical illness or disability, and divorce. Also included might be problems with children (especially adolescents), legal difficulties, and financial struggles. Though the substance of each of these problems might be different, all create chaos in leaders’ lives. Uncertainty becomes prevalent, both in terms of functioning and feeling. Nothing is the same as it was before the upheaval.

Most people don’t think of these events as having anything to do with leadership. Most executives categorize death, divorce, or grief as private matters. They speak of them among their executive peers only to announce that they’ve split with their spouse or that they won’t be in for a few days because a loved one has died. Beyond announcing the fact of the personal difficulty, though, many leaders rarely share their feelings about what has occurred and how it is creating upheaval. To do so would seem like a sign of weakness in a corporate world that defines professionalism as the absence of any emotion, a world of work in which life’s ups and downs are somehow not relevant to performance. What’s more, as the world seems increasingly politically correct, some people even deem it inappropriate or dangerous to inquire after the personal well-being of another. Many older executives grew up in corporations where bosses adopted a tough, militaristic persona. Even younger executives, both men and women, sometimes refuse to allow their personal dilemmas and tragedies to intrude into the office, lest they appear weak or out of control. Such an obsessively businesslike demeanor stifles leadership development.

Most leaders interviewed for this book cited the passage of personal loss or upheaval as a significant turning point in their development, both individually and professionally. Still, despite the fact that, invariably, it seems unproductive to talk about personal matters at work, they are in the long run what create a truly human leader. The worst possible reaction to personal upheaval is denying to yourself or others that anything is wrong, behaving in the same way as you always have, or covering up the actuality of what you are experiencing. Not only does an inauthentic approach distance others, your unnatural stoicism will undermine trust—the basis of great leadership. Human relationships exist on both a verbal and nonverbal level, and the nonverbal information frequently carries more impact than what is spoken. The lack of congruence between words and demeanor may create credibility issues, especially for those who do not know what you are experiencing. Denial also prevents you from moving on and growing as a result of this personal difficulty.