Can This Relationship Be Saved? | How to Shine at Work

Before Daniel, Diane, Brett, and Ron began to build strategies to turn their relationships with the boss around, I asked them to consider these three preliminary criteria. To begin a rebound plan:

You must really like the company—if you don’t, why bother?
You must really like the work you do—if you don’t, your wanting to “deal” with your boss may be more about revenge than about repair.
Your current issues with your boss’s behavior must be ongoing for less than 2 years—any longer than 2 years requires a bigger change.

The next step was to answer the following questions:
When did you first notice this behavior? Did it begin because of a specific work-related event (e.g., the boss’s poor performance appraisal) or because of professional or personal difficulties (e.g., a demotion or a divorce), or has the behavior always been present?
Have you been singled out for mistreatment, or is your boss an equal opportunity tyrant?

If the behavior pattern is relatively recent, is derived from a critical event in the boss’s life, and is widespread, your chances of turning the situation around are good. If, however, the behavior pattern is long-term, constant, and directed at you, there is work to be done.

Daniel, with the “devil boss,” had been employed by his organization for over 3 years. His boss had always treated Daniel in this way, and he treated most of the other members of the leadership team in an equally abusive fashion. Although Daniel liked the company, he found his work unfulfilling, so his decision to move on was easy. He began a job search campaign, and within 90 days he had accepted a more senior position in an organization with a culture that was more in tune with his values.

Let’s Have a Talk

Ron did a great job of confronting the Bully-boss president. Aside from courage, all he needed was an outline of a plan to work well together. This type of “talk” is not an aggressive confrontation, but simply a conversation between two people in search of openness, balance, and integrity. Although both Brett and Diane decided to move on in their careers, they both addressed their issues directly with the boss. To restructure your relationship with your boss, you will ultimately need to sit down and examine your issue together. First, you need to know what you want, and then you can determine what else might be missing:

What do you want, why do you want it, and from whom do you want it?
What has happened, how do you feel about it, and what is at stake here?
How might you have contributed to the issue?
How long have your feelings on this issue been building?
How long have you been postponing this conversation?
How much have your feelings been undermining your relationship with this person?

Make an outline of what you would like to say. Write it out, say it aloud, and try to hear it as if someone were saying it to you. When you are comfortable with what you have to say and how you want to say it, request a meeting. This talk is not an opportunity for you to express your anger or to blame anyone—this is a way to say what you have seen and experienced, how you feel about it, and how you want to resolve the problem.

Ask your boss if he would be comfortable using a basic conflict resolution format for the meeting—that is, each person in turn states her or his perceptions, while the other person listens quietly to the entire concern, responding or asking questions only when the speaker has finished. This will give you an opportunity to give your examples of situations and recommendations for change without the need to defend your position when questions arise: You are on a fact-finding mission. When you have completely described your concerns, ask your boss for comments or input—and listen carefully, taking notes. Let your boss complete the other side of the story, without interruption. Your boss’s version of events may be quite different from yours, so show that you have an open mind by asking “what” questions in order to learn more. Do not be tempted to counter your boss’s comments while he or she is speaking; let your boss finish, and remember that the purpose of the meeting is to find out how the two of you can best work together.

Once each of you understands the other’s position, it is time to strategize your ongoing action. Ask, “What do we need to do to resolve this?” to identify a resolution. Once you reach agreement, it is time to introduce the boundaries you will use to maintain the agreement.