The Active Deceiver

One client, Tom, came to see me about problems he was having at work. His boss was always mad at him. Apparently Tom kept saying things to his organizations various customers that got him into trouble. Basically, he would lie. He knew he was a liar. He couldnt help himself. It was not difficult to convince Tom that he was a fake. That was his complaint about himself.

To get his job, Tom lied about his credentials. When his boss inquired about the status of something, Tom would lie if he had to. He told me that he told anywhere from five to thirty little fibs per day. I didnt know if I could believe him. But that was the point.

His explanation for lying was that when he was a kid, his father would frighten him when he did something wrong. It meant that he had to build a defense to avoid his fathers wrath. His defense was to lie. Over time, it became very easy to do so. He almost couldnt understand why his boss and peers had a problem with it.

Tom felt conflicted. He was aware that some part of him always wanted to impress people. So he said whatever it took to achieve the mission. The problem, aside from the complaints against him, was that at some level he knew that saying untrue things was not good. He felt shame.

Progress for Tom came as he learned to respect the motivation for lying. He realized that, speaking metaphorically, the little guy in his personality, the sub-personality who told the lies, was just doing what he could in order to be loved. The desire for attention was pure. In its own way, it was sweet. So Tom came to accept this motive and, through increased self-awareness of the conflicted feelings it caused and the consequences of his deceit, to self- censor .