If You Work with a Worrier

There are two aspects to peoples worries: the thing they are worried about and the tendency to worry. Its fine to help somebody address a particular worry occasion, but later it might be good to raise the topic of the tendency itself.

If its the object of the worry youre going to help with, get a sense for whether things appear to be under control. Sometimes worriers go into paralysis and dont have any thoughts about what must be done. Is there a clear goal? Is there a plan to achieve the goal? Are there response plans to the things that could go wrong? You can help with these things.

Heres a twofold guideline for you: (1) let the worrier speak, and (2) hear the worrier. Dont say, ˜˜Dont worry about itthat can be very invalidating . Instead, try to get to the nub of the worry: ˜˜What are you worried about? followed by ˜˜And what if that happened ? Usually the latter question will have to be posed a few times before you get close to the bottom of the fear. Then you need to express understanding of that fear.

For example, consider somebody who is afraid that a sale they have been pitching will be lost. They might initially say that they are afraid it will affect their performance against quota. With more questions, they might get to, ˜˜But if this keeps going, I could lose my job and then Id be out of work and I might not be able to get more work and I might not be able to provide for my family. Notice the movement from a single sale lost to utter desolation (starving kids , etc.). Getting to the root fear can do the trick. It can be relieving just to say it out loud.

Then there is a choice you can offer: The worrier can either sit back and let all those terrible things happen, or stand up and deal with them in whatever way they can be sorted out. Action plansto reach goals or overcome possible problemsare key.

Help the worrier to see that although its logically possible for all of these things to happen, a lot of terrible things must fall into place for such an outcome. Then they are ready for a pep talk of sorts, such as ˜˜I know you better than that or ˜˜You will succeed. Offer whatever supportive reminders you can about how you have seen them handle problems successfully in the past.

And, most important, get them moving. Even if they are worrying about something completely out of their control, about which there is simply no room for action planning, diversion can be relieving. They need to get busy, preferably doing something of value.

The biggest value you can bring to a worrier is self-awareness . At a time when a particular threat has subsided, tell the worrier that you can see a pattern. You feel bad that there is this pattern. Wouldnt it be great if they could place their worry in a larger context the next time it arises? Wouldnt it be great if they could say, ˜˜Ah, this is the type of thing that typically pushes my buttons. But I know from experience that once my buttons are pushed , I descend into a pattern of fretting unnecessarily. Having seen this so much in myself , this time, Im going to transcend this pattern. Ill make plans to address possibilities and Ill get busy with my goals. My mental health is reflected by how I manage my emotions, not by the fact that I have them.