Why Worry?

Throughout this first part of the book, Im going to assume that you are, to some degree or other, the business type I am discussing. Even if youre not, the analysis and advice below will help you understand and work with these types and deal with friends and family members struck with these problems. In addition, I end each chapter on these types with tips you might want to follow if you do work with the business type.

So lets assume that you are a worrier. A little bit of worry is normal and healthy . Our brains are built to help us avoid problems by worrying. A thought crosses our mind about a potential problem and we experience just enough fear to motivate us to produce a plan for addressing the problem. If we humans didnt have this motivation, we might not have survived as a species. The capacity to worry is genetic. The tendency to worry excessively is thought by some researchers to be genetic as well.

There are other explanations for why you may be a worrier. Like most worriers you may have learned to worry during your childhood. Parents may have role modeled worry and you just picked it up as a means of responding to problems. But it doesnt have to have originated during childhood. When stress levels rise, those predisposed to worry are more likely to become anxious and find themselves worrying. A pattern of worry can continue for years until their lives stabilize and they are less insecure .

People who seek help for worry fall into two categories: those who suffer from ˜˜normal anxiety, worry triggered by specific things, and those who suffer from ˜˜free-floating anxiety, worry that doesnt need a trigger and is pretty much always there. My coaching practice only serves the former group . These are people who find that the fear they experience when they worry is more intense or prolonged than a situation calls for. I refer the other worriersthose with free-floating anxietyto psychotherapists, psychologists, or family doctors , for more intensive help.

Individuals usually report two or three themes that set them off, but there are as many triggers as there are worriers in the world. Money is a common subject of worry. So are physical health and the well-being of loved ones. Fears of confrontation, failure, and even success can also provoke an undesired worry response.

The original meaning of the verb to worry is ˜˜to gnaw. A dog ˜˜worries a favorite bone. It chews the bone for a while, buries it, and digs it up later for yet another chew. Over and over again.

Have you ever had the experience of ˜˜it hurts so good? Someone once told me that he could poke away at certain spots on his gums with a toothpick and get a kind of painful pleasure . My own gums dont respond quite that way, but I suppose its possible. Of course, weve all heard of the sexual equivalent of the phenomenon . This is not to say that people actually get conscious pleasure from worry. They dont. But there can be at least four paybacks from worrying.

First, worrying may give a certain kind of pleasure that you are getting to the nub of a problem. A worrier finds herself tugged by her fear and feels that staying on the case will somehow resolve it. She feels she cannot let go of her worry just in case the worst-case scenario happens and the thing feared actually does rear its ugly head. If you ask a worrier why she worries, she will probably say that she is afraid a certain problem will arise. If you point out that nothing can be done about the problem so its not worth the emotional investment, the worrier will report that she just cant stop it. There is a bad thing out there and it cant be ignored.

Second, worry may actually help solve a problem. Worriers sometimes do generate a solution to a problem by worrying about it, anticipating worst possible scenarios, and planning effective responses to all of them. Of course, the discomfort of the fear is not part of the worrier equationbut so be it.

Third, worrying can be stimulating for some worriers. They bemoan the accompanying angst, but at some level there is a return on their in vestment. These people feel more alive when they are worrying about things. Its almost as if it makes them feel important. They may regret their worrying, but they dont really want to stop.

Fourth, worrying can pay off in the attention it draws from other people. When worriers express their concerns, coworkers, friends, and loved ones fall into a routine of soothing the pain. Ironically, they only make things worse . Sometimes these people fuel the pattern of worry by helping. Other times they fuel it by not helping, once they become wise to the worriers patterns.

In spite of these paybacks, however, most worriers know their worrying isnt doing them any good.