Chapter 5: Keys to Successful Workplace Relationships

Have you ever taken the time to watch the successful (and not-so-successful) people in your workplace? If you pay close attention, you will pick up the clues you need if you are to develop stronger workplace relationships for yourself. In a healthy corporate environment, you will find people who see problems as opportunities, demonstrate confidence (not arrogance), are loyal (not a doormat), are assertive (not hostile or stubborn), and are kind (but not weak). You will also notice people making and sharing observations (not judgments), thoughtfully responding to challenges (not reacting), and focusing on what is right (not who is right).

Problems or Opportunities?

One of the critical elements in developing healthy workplace relationships is redefining problems and challenges as opportunities. If making the transformation from problem to opportunity is not a natural process for you, the difficulty may be related to how you view those problems: the distinction between disappointment and failure, your level of optimism, your opinion of change, and your understanding of choice.

With the skill of transforming problems into opportunities, you can develop successful relationships with practically anyone, anywhere. The following information will help you to identify the components you need to learn in order to exercise the ability to make the shift.

Disappointment or Failure

Disappointment is a part of life—not necessarily the fun part, but a part nonetheless. Sometimes we experience disappointment as a personal failure; therefore, we need to define the distinction between failure and disappointment. Failure occurs when you attempt a task and perform part of the process in a flawed way (or omit an important part of the process). For instance, if I plan to bring a product to market, but I do not understand the end user, I will probably fail. It is a process thing, not a people thing. A process failure can (and often does) open the door to regret—the way in which we personalize the negative outcome, limiting our ability to transform problems into opportunities.

Disappointment, on the other hand, occurs when an event fails to meet our expectations or our hopes.

Glenn is an executive in career transition—well regarded, eminently qualified, well educated, and articulate. Glenn has been looking for a senior position for several months. He has used the direct mail approach in his job search campaign, sending r sum s and cover letters to various executive recruiters and corporations across the country. He had hoped for a 50 percent return, and he experienced a 2 percent return (which is typical). He is feeling angry and disappointed because the process failed (he has not failed).

Ron and David were partners in a start-up. Friends for over 20 years, they created a solid business plan and marketing plan, and began building their high-tech business from the ground up. After 2 years of struggle, they began to sign clients, build a decent pipeline, and make money. Then David was offered a full-time position by one of the firm’s new and prestigious clients, and he accepted, leaving Ron without a partner, without a friend, and without a major client. Neither of these men failed. There were integrity issues, yes; partnership issues, yes; disappointment, certainly. Failure, no.

Brian decided to accept a general manager position with a Fortune 500 company. Even though he had clues about the company’s cultural and management issues, he was apprehensive about the trend of the country’s economy, and he thought he had better snap up the job in front of him. Six months later, he knew that he had made a mistake: This was not the place for him. Scared? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Failed? No.

If you are dealing with a problem and you are feeling disappointed, first reframe the problem as a temporary setback, rather than personalizing the event as a failure. If you can, consider the concept that disappointment is a good way to get you back on the right track—Glenn’s job search, Ron’s partnership, and Brian’s career choices need to be reviewed from a strategic viewpoint, and each can be transformed into opportunities.

More on Optimism

Optimism, defined by Webster’s as “an inclination to anticipate the best possible outcome,” is a critical dimension in getting along and getting ahead in the workplace. Optimistic people expect the best for themselves, their projects, their partners, and their friends. Someone with an optimistic style understands that negative events in life are temporary—and external. Pessimism, on the other hand, can be defined as “an inclination to anticipate the least favorable or worst outcome for everything.” Pessimists explain negative life events as permanent, internal, and outside of one’s control (victim stuff).

While pessimists have a way of latching onto the worst possible cause for adversity (the permanent, pervasive, and personal), optimists latch onto the changeable, the specific, and the nonpersonal causes for any problem. When confronting any workplace problem, optimists have an edge—they head into the process of transforming problems into opportunities knowing that there will be a positive outcome. Pessimists, on the other hand, head into the process of transforming problems into opportunities with a strong belief that nothing good will come of their efforts.

Optimism is a learned behavior, and your level of optimism can be increased. Once you make the decision to shift your outlook for your future to ultimately positive, you open doors for opportunities you did not even know were there. If learning this skill sounds daunting, find a coach or therapist to work through it with you.

The C-Word: Change

Two caterpillars are enjoying another beautiful day, dining on the lush spring vegetation, when an exquisite butterfly floats by. One caterpillar turns to the other and says, “You’ll never get me up on one of those butterfly things.”

It is an unquestionable truth that life changes quickly and people change slowly. How you manage change is a choice: You can fight it, you can ignore it, you can work with it, or you can direct it—and whichever of these is your preference, change will happen anyway.

Some of us are natural change agents, variety-oriented and anxious to be a part of the brave new world. Some of us, however, prefer the comfort and security of sameness and predictability. Now more than ever, in this era of widespread change and uncertainty, success can be defined by how well we adapt to change. When we are the change agent, leading the charge, we feel that we are in control, and we adapt more easily. At other times, change is prescribed by others, sometimes disrupting the organization we have created in our lives—and if we feel that we have had little or no input into the change, we lose our sense of optimism for a positive outcome, and fear takes over.

Your resistance to change can be measured by what you have to lose or gain by changing, and your success is a result of knowing how to evaluate your resistance, identify your obstacles, plan for action, and do some fine-tuning. To improve your chances of working with change rather than resisting or merely surviving it, ask yourself these questions:

• What am I resisting?

• Have I experienced this feeling of resistance before, and if so, when?

• What control do I have over my response to this change?

• What control do I have over the outcome?

• What do I need to learn or know in order to make this change easier to accomplish?

• What responsibilities must I assume and what actions must I take now to assure a positive outcome?

Answering these questions will help you understand your change-aversion and help you determine what your next step should be. For Alison, a client whose company was in the middle of a merger, answering those questions was helpful in identifying exactly what it was she was resisting:

• I am procrastinating on stack-ranking my employees for the merger and an impending layoff. I am resisting the possibility of letting people go.

• I have had this same feeling before—procrastinating when I am afraid of the outcome.

• I do have control over my response to the outcome. I can be sad or angry or happy.

• I don’t have any control over the outcome, other than my input.

• I need to understand that whatever happens is what is best, and then I need to let that happen.

• I need to get the review of my employees completed, present it to the merger team in a positive way, and trust that they will make the right decision.

Alison was most uncomfortable with a potential negative change over which she had no control, yet her initial resistance to the change was only postponing the inevitable and tarnishing her reputation as a good manager. When she was able to realize what it was that bothered her, she was able to put it aside and to complete her work and her presentation without being tied to the outcome.

When turning problems into opportunities, you’ll be faced with many forms of change—perhaps a change in your self-awareness, a change in your style, a change in an old, ineffective belief—but change will happen whether you wrestle with it or embrace it. The choice is yours.

Life is change; growth is optional. Choose wisely
—Karen Kaiser Clark

The Other C-Word: Choice

We are constantly bombarded with choices—and opportunities. Sometimes we just do not like the choices we have.

We are what we think. If we choose to think that we are intelligent, successful, and happy, we are right. If we choose to think that we are never going to amount to much, never going to have a successful career, never going to have enough, we are right again. We can choose to approach our career—or our life—from the position of, “There will never be enough (so I must grab and push and struggle).” Alternatively, we can approach our career—and our life—from a position focusing on what we do have—which is more than enough—and strategize how best to use it. One operating platform is constrained by fear, and the other is liberated by gratitude.

Worry and Suffering, Another Choice

In my coaching practice, a recurring theme is often a sense of worry: “How will this turn out?” “Will my presentation be OK?” “What do they think of me?” Worry or concern over what may happen in the future will not change the outcome; it will, however, deplete your energy and your ability to think clearly. Worrying is a choice you make; suffering is optional.

In his book Zen without Zen Masters, Camden Benares writes of a young man who sought out a Zen master because of his constant worry and suffering.

“The man said that he had consulted one expert after another without success: “One person told me to give up sex and I did, but I still suffered. Another told me to give up meat and I did, but I still suffered. Another told me to give up sweets and I did, but I still suffered. I have tried everything that has been suggested, without success. You are my only hope. Please help me.”

The Zen master replied, “Give up suffering.”

Part of turning problems into opportunities is to recognize that you always (yes, always) have a choice. You can choose to be angry, you can choose to worry, or you can choose to be thoughtful and respond in a way that moves you forward. It is up to you.

If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.
—Henry Ford

Watch Your Assumptions and Beliefs

Webster’s tells us that an assumption is a presumption, and a belief is a habit of the mind. Beliefs are actually assumptions that we have internalized—we make them true for us. Problems occur when we develop assumptions on the basis of limited or faulty information, or when we accept other people’s assumptions as our truths—whether those assumptions are about a race, a gender, a culture, or a style. When we make assumptions without challenging the soundness of our thought processes, we are really just creating stories. When we create stories, we may react out of emotion, and this holds us all back.

For example, suppose a driver quickly parks in a spot you have been waiting for, hurriedly gets out of his car, and runs into the store. Your initial assumption is that this guy is rude and arrogant, and that he obviously thinks his time is much more precious than your time.

But what if that guy was in a hurry to get into the store because his wife had just been in an accident there and he wanted to ride with her in the ambulance? When we draw a conclusion about someone’s behavior before we know, we are simply making up an ending based on an assumption.

Assumptions can be a good thing—when the stoplight turns yellow, you assume that it will soon turn red. Assumptions can also be barriers to successful workplace relationships if we simply assume that we know what someone is thinking, doing, or saying.

Be Aware of Your Fears and Judgments

Fear can also be a good thing, if you learn how to use your fear to move yourself forward. When your fears are needs based (I fear being wrong, I need to be right; I fear rejection, I need approval), you should deal with the fear by dealing with the need. Identify those needs and get them met forever, so that you can operate from a values-based system (see Chapter 1).

Stop Making Excuses

Another component of both taking control of your reputation and developing successful workplace relationships is to stop making excuses. When someone is making an excuse—for being late, for being wrong, for being human—it is always clear that this is what is being done—so why do we do it?

First, there is a distinction between an excuse and an explanation. An excuse is an attempt to absolve yourself of responsibility, to justify your position, and to remove blame. An explanation is an attempt to clarify without abdicating your responsibility.

• Excuse: “My alarm didn’t go off.”

• Explanation: “I didn’t set my alarm properly and I overslept; I’m late, and I’m sorry.”

One of these statements avoids responsibility; the other is fully accountable.

There are reasons why people make excuses. Perhaps you have unmet needs, and you choose to cover that up with this type of behavior. Maybe you are running on adrenaline and making too many promises that you just cannot keep. Maybe it is about putting up with “stuff” (mind clutter), or maybe you have not yet learned the benefits of integrity (translation: immaturity). Whatever the source of your behavior, find it, stop it, and build your reputation on integrity.

Perspective

A critical component of successful workplace relationships is awareness of your perspective. It’s easy to say that we each have our own perspective on every issue under the sun, yet sometimes this perspective (anchored by our assumptions and beliefs) causes us to struggle, especially when we draw assumptions about others and what others are thinking.

I read an article on emotional styles that recounted this wonderful adage about perspective:

To her lover, a beautiful woman is a delight; to a monk, she is a distraction, to a mosquito, a good meal.

So, what creates these differences of perspective? A lot of them come from what we have learned from our life experiences; some of them are made up (making assumptions)—and, according to Tara Bennett Goleman, author of Emotional Alchemy, the way we perceive (and react to) various situations depends on habits we don’t even know we have.

When you are faced with a difficult situation at work, what is your perspective: Are you optimistic (the cup is half full), pessimistic (the cup is half empty), or toxic (what cup?)? The reason you respond the way you do involves your core beliefs about yourself. If you believe you will never get what you want, guess what: You never will.

Take the case of Lisa, Michelle, and Bob. Peers, each of these professionals held the title of director of operations for a real estate investment firm. Lisa was a “cup half full” person, Michelle a “cup half empty” person, and Bob a “what cup?” person. When their company announced a merger with Brand X, a larger organization, Lisa’s immediate response was to contact her boss and ask how she could be part of the new regime. She wanted to know the initial direction of the merged companies, and how she could best position herself and her career within the new organization.

Michelle was quietly worried. She spoke with her peers in hushed, apprehensive tones, stating that she hoped she would still have a job when the dust settled. Her plan was to lie low and see what happened.

Bob was freaked out. He was certain that his job was going away, so he spent the next several days buffing up his r sum and making phone calls to recruiters with the aim of getting another job as quickly as possible.

All three of these people had an equal chance in the new organization, yet Lisa’s perspective moved her forward, and the negative perspectives of both Michelle and Bob created barriers for their careers. Michelle did such a good job of waiting for the dust to settle that she was overlooked, and Bob had no confidence in the newly merged company or his potential career with it, and so made no attempt to hide his efforts to jump ship at the first opportunity. Lisa remained on board and was promoted to senior director, while Michelle and Bob were laid off—their jobs were given to two directors from Brand X who had shown confidence and trust in the future.

Identify the perspectives that are barriers to your successful workplace relationships, and the attitudes you demonstrate that may keep this year from being your best year ever. This can dramatically improve your career.