Distinctions to Remember

Confidence vs. arrogance: There is an observable difference between confidence and arrogance. Arrogance is self-important, inflated, and disrespectful. Confidence is quiet and strong.

Assertive vs. aggressive: To be assertive is to be self-assured and firm, and to be aggressive is to be forceful, antagonistic, and belligerent. Assertiveness is strength, while aggression is a weakness.

Loyal vs. doormat: To be loyal is to be a trustworthy, dedicated, and dependable employee, while being a doormat is to allow people to take advantage of you. One requires confidence, awareness, and strong standards and boundaries, while the other involves victim behavior.

Kind vs. weak: To be kind is to be aware of the feelings of others and to display compassion and concern for the well-being of others. Demonstrating kindness is not indicative of weakness—to be weak is to be vulnerable, helpless, and unproductive. Being kind is a strength; being weak is a limitation.

Observe vs. judge: Perhaps as a result of fear-based behavior, we attempt to fool ourselves into thinking that we are being observant when we are really being judgmental. When I notice that we are different in some way, I am observing. When I place a value on that difference, I have made a judgment. Judgments are like mirrors: When I judge you on your actions or behavior, I am really trying to make myself feel better about how I behave in similar situations.

What vs. who: In your workplace relationships, do you want to be a respected equal, or do you want to be above everyone else? A respected equal understands the difference between being right and what is right. Someone who needs to be seen as superior may force his or her opinions on others in order to be right, while completely neglecting what is right. The need to be right is often based on an underlying need to control and to exercise power—a way to falsely inflate the self-image. If you feel compelled to interrupt and correct, or to notice and comment every time you see something that is not completely accurate, you are probably being driven by the need to be right or to make others wrong.

Respond vs. react: We spend a lot of our time reacting to the expectations and demands of others and their circumstances, rather than responding in a productive way. When you react to a bully’s need to be controlling, an incompetent’s need to be seen as capable, or a blamer’s need to be right, your choices are limited: You can fight, avoid, surrender, or quit. When you respond to those types of behaviors, your choices are all positive and responsible; you maintain your equilibrium, your self-confidence, and your reputation.