10 Tips Toward Better Communication

1. Throw it back. Have you ever noticed—or even participated in— verbal vomiting? It happens a lot at parties. Here's an example: Person A sees Person B (someone she hasn't seen in a while) and thinks, "I have to tell him what I've been going through, all the things that have been going on in my life." And Person A begins to spew forth all her news. As Person A is speaking, she is leaning forward. Person B is leaning back, listening to this, all the while thinking about all the "stuff" he wants to talk about too. So the verbal vomiting continues.

   We've all seen this happen, and most of us have participated in it at one time or another. Sometimes, however, it's better to take yourself out of the equation. Stop talking about yourself. Make brief statements and then throw the conversation back to the other person. It's difficult because we all like to talk about ourselves. But once in a while, it's good to explore what other people have to say, to get beneath the surface. Then when you decide to really say something, you've had more time to digest what the other person has said. Based on that information, you may find mutually interesting topics of conversation, rather than the competition of verbal vomiting.

2. Parroting. Often, just giving someone your undivided attention will make him or her feel important. Concentrate on discovering what concerns them most at this moment, and then let them know you understand those concerns and that you'll do your best to help alleviate them. You can do this by using a technique I call parroting. It's a subtle way of getting people to expand their thoughts. For instance, in a sales situation, a conversation might go like this:

   CUSTOMER:	Our biggest concern right now is getting into new markets.
   REP:	New markets?
   CUSTOMER:	Yes. We're going into two new areas, one where we've never had a rep before, and one where we've had problems in the past.
   REP:	Problems in the past?
   CUSTOMER:	When we went out there last time...

   Of course, you don't use this technique after every sentence, but it is a signal to the other person that you're really listening to what he or she is saying and that you're interested to know more. The goal is to show that you're interested in expanding on something the person is interested in or challenged by, so that you get depth and understanding of what they are dealing with. The more you know about them, the more value you can add to your relationship.

3. Expand and rephrase. Have you ever noticed that someone is speaking to you, and you can't remember what they've just said? There are times when we hear no more than two words out of a sentence, or two sentences out of a story. It might be because we're preoccupied with our own thoughts, or it might be because we don't really understand what the other person is saying.

   Keep yourself on track by rephrasing what the other person just tried to communicate to you. You might say, "Let me see if I understand what you're saying..." Then you rephrase or paraphrase what they've just said. This accomplishes two things. First, it shows that you've been listening. Second, it guards against communication breakdown. Many sales have been lost and relationships severed because of miscommunication. You said this, she said that, and neither really understood what the other one meant. Restating the information you have just heard can be a powerful way to make sure you're both on the same page.

4. Listen to other people's goals and challenges. Recently, I was at business meeting trying to help two groups of people connect with each other. For some reason, they could not seem to find common ground. Finally, I asked one of the parties, "What are the three most important goals for your company right now?" He told us his three goals. The other parties questions were now totally focused on that criteria. Communication is so much stronger when you make a connection to other people's needs and to what's important to them. When someone sees the effort you have made to understand the criteria to elevate their success, you elevate your own at the same time.

5. Add passion to the equation. Passion and enthusiasm are contagious. You can't communicate if no one is paying attention, and nothing grabs attention so much as someone who is truly excited about something. Let your passion come through in your voice and your gestures. Find other people who are passionate about what they do, and who communicate that passion to others. Study their methods of communication, and emulate their positive approach to life.

   Effective communication is 20 percent what you know and 80 percent how you feel about what you know.

   —Jim Rohn,
   author

6. Communicate with yourself. I carry a tape recorder with me wherever I go. When I have a thought, see something interesting, or want to remind myself about a task I need to do, I record it on tape. It not only reminds me of the things I have to do, it reminds me of what I was thinking at the time. So if I think, "Call Jack to set up a lunch date. Be sure to tell him the idea about a television series for his client," I record it, and then add more details and ideas I have. Then, when I play back the tape, I have a strong purpose and some good ideas that might have 'escaped' my consciousness if I didn't record it immediately. It helps make my communication even stronger.

   Every waking moment we talk to ourselves about things we experience. Our self-talk, the thoughts we communicate to ourselves, in turn control the way we feel and act.

   —John Lembo,
   author

7. Clear your mind and be in the moment. We make mistakes when we lose concentration, when we let our minds drift away and stop paying attention. You can reflect upon the past and dream about the future when you're out of your current situation, but while you're in it, keep your focus sharp and to the point. This is not always easy to accomplish; we've got a lot on our minds. When your attention drifts, you stop listening to people, you make errors in judgment, and you lose sight of your goals. When your concentration is strong, however, you are so focused that nothing can distract you from communicating clearly and effectively.

8. Be yourself. In one of my earlier incarnations as a sales manager, I would often travel around with a rep to see how he was doing. It always amazed me when a rep with a dynamic personality and a good sense of humor would get in front of a customer—I'd wonder what happened to the person I saw just outside the door. The personality and the humor seemed to disappear because the rep thought he had to talk or behave in a particular way. The truth is, he would have been much more successful just being himself. If you're not comfortable with who you are, other people won't be either.

9. Make eye contact. The eyes, as you know, are the windows to the soul. There's no better way to tell what a person is feeling than by looking into that person's eyes. Do it when you're listening, and when you're speaking as well, especially when you want to make an important point. If you're speaking to a group, pick someone in the audience and make eye contact with that one person. Then move to another person, and another so that you're making a broad connection with everyone there.

10. Listen to others as if you had to present their ideas to a group. When Colin Powell spoke to people at the cocktail party before his speech, he had to pay attention to what they were telling him so that he could use their information at the podium. What if you had to use the information someone was presenting in a speech of your own? Are you paying attention? Do you understand what they're saying and what they really mean? Just see how your ability to focus and listen effectively changes when you imagine yourself in this situation.

    The most desperate need of men today is not a new vaccine for any disease, or a new religion, or a new 'way of life.' Man does not need to go to the moon or other solar systems. He does not require bigger and better bombs and missiles...His real need, his most terrible need, is for someone to listen to him, not as a 'patient,' but as a human soul.

    —Taylor Caldwell,
    Listener

I Dare You...

Go to your next event, party, or business dinner, and listen 90 percent of the time. See what you can learn about the people around you. Pay attention. Play detective. Have fun. Throw it back to them. Practice parroting. At the end of the evening, ask yourself what you learned and how much fun you had just by listening.

Think about the two types of people you meet at parties. The first comes up and introduces himself, and begins to tell you all about his life. Then he leaves and says, "Enjoy the party. See you later." What kind of comments do you think you'll make about that person later?

Then there's the other person, who comes up, introduces himself, and asks you questions about your life. He answers your questions, but always comes back to finding out about you. He leaves and says, "Enjoy the party. See you later." What are the comments you'll make about this person? Dare to be the second kind of person.

For 24 hours, no matter who you talk to— a gas station attendant, your spouse, your children, business associates, or friends—get them talking. Say as little as possible about yourself. Whenever you're about to explain something or tell a long-winded story, get them talking.

If your children ask about something, for instance, it's very easy to give an answer. Instead,they will learn more if you ask questions such as, "How would you do it?" or "What do you think the answer is?" You not only get them to find the answer for themselves, you begin to understand how they think. The same technique can work in business. The mark of a good manager is someone who does not have all the answers, but gets the staff to find their own solutions.