Chapter Summary

Master My Stories

Now we ve selected a problem and thought about the circumstances in a way that puts us in the best state of mind. In short, we ve learned how to master our stories by seeking out all the possible influences that contributed to the problem.

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Master my stories. The second step in the model also takes place before you actually speak. As you approach a crucial confrontation, take care you don t establish a horrible climate by charging in half-informed and half-cocked. To avoid this costly mistake, work on your own thoughts, feelings, and stories.
Tell the rest of the story . Ask why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would do what you ve just seen as well as if you yourself are playing a role in the problem.
Look at all six sources of influence. Examine the force of self, others, and things ”all either motivate or enable others to keep their commitment.
Expand motive to include the force of others. Do others praise and support the desired behavior or do they provide pressure against it? Is the reward system aligned? If people do what s required, will they receive a carrot or a stick?
Finally, add ability. Can others do what s required? Does the task play to their strength or weakness? Are people around them a help or a hindrance? Do the things around them provide a bridge or a barrier ?

Additional Resources

Do you recognize the stories you re telling that may be keeping you from the results you want? Visit www.crucialconfrontations.com/book for commonly told stories and see if they sound familiar.

What s Next?

Now that we re fully prepared, it s time to open our mouths and talk about the failed promise. How do we first talk about the gap we ve observed ? What should be the first words out of our mouth? Let s take a look.

Part Two: Confront with SafetyWhat to Do during a Crucial Confrontation

Chapter List

Chapter 3: Describe the GapHow to Start a Crucial Confrontation
Chapter 4: Make It MotivatingHow to Help Others Want to Take Action
Chapter 5: Make It EasyHow to Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless
Chapter 6: Stay Focused and FlexibleWhat to Do When Others Get Sidetracked, Scream, or Sulk
Chapter 7: Agree on a Plan and Follow UpHow to Gain Commitment and Move to Action

When there is enough safety, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. As the best problem solvers move from thinking to talking, heres how they create safety:

They begin well. They know how to describe a performance gap in a way that makes it safe for others to talk about with them (Chapter 3, Describe the Gap).
They know how to help others prioritize competing demands, and they know how to discipline when necessary (Chapter 4, Make It Motivating).
They also know how to help others deal with ability barriers by jointly exploring solutions. They help others comply by making compliance easier. They understand the underlying principles of empowerment (Chapter 5, Make It Easy).

Chapter 3: Describe the Gap ”How to Start a Crucial Confrontation

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret .

”Ambrose Bierce

I m Sorry, But My Osmosis Is Broken

You ve picked out a problem, decided to say something, and considered the possible influences behind it; now you are about to take action. Before you do that, let s be clear. Almost nobody should be harboring the illusion that he or she has been groomed to solve touchy and complicated interpersonal problems. Almost nobody has.

Here s a typical supervisory training regime . A hardworking and competent employee is tapped on the shoulder on Friday afternoon ( Congratulations, you won the supervisory lottery! ) and promoted to a job that starts Monday morning. Any questions? And it s not as if most employees have actually watched the way a leader deals with touchy issues or failed promises. That kind of thing happens behind closed doors.

Of course, business schools , the breeding ground for managers and vice presidents , rarely teach anything about leadership. Most business school courses are about management and entrepreneurship, not leadership. Occasionally classes cover the way leaders should think but almost never what they should do . The curriculum certainly doesn t cover crucial confrontations. Professors and students come face to face with crucial confrontations every few minutes, but almost nobody teaches how to handle them.

We don t even want to think about the preparation the average parent receives. Heaven forbid that most of us should imitate the social skills of our own adult role models: Thanks, Mom. I was afraid I was going to miss out on how to paralyze people with guilt, but you ve taken time every single day to pass on an important lesson or two.

Here s the $64,000 question: How are leaders and parents supposed to have picked up the ability to hold a simple goal-setting session, let alone tap- dance through a thorny crucial confrontation? Through osmosis?

If your influence training has been as sketchy as everyone else s, welcome to the club and be sure to pay close attention. We re about to share the best practices of people who know how to walk up to someone and hold a genuine face-to-face crucial confrontation.