Chapter Summary

Choose What and If

Here s our model of the skills we ll cover throughout this book. We ll build this model piece by piece as the chapters unfold. We ve started with the principle Work on Me First. We ve learned that before we utter a word, we have to start by asking what crucial confrontation to hold and if we should hold it.

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We start every crucial confrontation with two questions ”WHAT and IF:

WHAT. The first time a problem comes up, talk about the original problem or the C ontent. If the problem continues, talk about the P attern. As the impact spills over to how you relate to one another, talk about your R elationship. To help pick the right level, explore what came after the behavior (the consequences) as well as what came before it (the intent). As the list of potential problems expands, cut to the heart of the matter by asking what you really do want and don t want ”for yourself, the other person, and the relationship.
IF. To determine if you re wrongly going to silence, ask four questions: Am I acting it out? Is my conscience nagging me? Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the risk of speaking up? Am I telling myself that I m helpless? To determine if you re wrongly speaking up, ask if the social system will support your effort. If you are committed to speak up while others continue to say nothing, differentiate yourself.

What s Next ?

Once you ve decided to confront a problem, you have to make sure that you yourself are in the right frame of mind. You have to work on yourself first. This isn t always easy; especially when the other person has let you down. You may just charge in with an accusation. This takes us to the next chapter. Before you ever open your mouth, how do you tell a more complete and full story? One that s more conducive to a healthy discussion than the all-too-common question: What s wrong with those bozos?

Chapter 2: Master My Stories ”How to Get Your Head Right before Opening Your Mouth

Overview

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac .

”George Carlin

Anyone who has ever dealt with crucial confrontations realizes that a person s behavior during the first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows . You have no more than a sentence or two to establish the climate. If you set the wrong tone or mood, it s hard to turn things around.

This can be troublesome because when someone lets us down or behaves badly , the last thing we re thinking about is the climate we re about to establish. More often than not we re completely immersed in the details of what just happened . And if that doesn t consume all of our time and attention, our emotions eat up anything that s left. Consider the following example.

Hang the Gear heads!

Imagine that you re part of an overworked, stressed-out management team that s sitting around a table large enough to double as an airport runway, discussing what it ll take to finish a development project. The phone rings. The quality manager picks it up, carries on a heated discussion, and then slams the phone back onto its cradle.

It s final assembly. The software we just completed is giving them fits, she says with a look typically associated with the act of biting the head off a chicken.

Oh great! The software is glitchy! shouts the vice president of development.

Within seconds the entire leadership team is complaining about the unorthodox, selfish, weird software testers. Then they arise as one and start marching toward the testing department. Since you ve worked with this team for only a month, you aren t sure what s going on.

As the team members hustle down the hallway, the operations manager explains that the software is supposed to be tested and retested before it s sent on to final assembly. Otherwise, it often causes problems, and expensive ones at that.

The stupid gear heads only have to run a simple testing package. That way they can catch problems early on and we never send software on to final assembly, where it can cause costly delays.

Why didn t they run the tests? you ask.

That s what we re about to find out, answers the senior VP as the vein on his forehead swells to the size of a mop handle. He and the other leaders charge down the hall like a band of white- collar vigilantes, and you think to yourself, This is about to turn ugly.

Behold, a Train Wreck

Obviously, this group has a checkered history with the people it s about to accost. The managers are feeling morally superior and are about to create a nasty scene. Of course, in many companies, confrontations may not get that heated. The tone may be softer, the language less brutal, and the threats more veiled (less punitive folks rely on cold stares, sarcasm, and pointed humor), but the results are probably the same. Employees fail to deliver on a promise, and the bosses jump to a conclusion and jump hard.

What makes these crucial confrontations interesting is that the underlying cause doesn t really matter. If leaders start out with strong emotions, believing that they are on the moral high road, the interaction is likely to turn out badly for everyone regardless of the underlying cause.

The scene continues as the managers rush in like so many deputies preparing for a lynching. They catch the programmers checking out a cool new Web site with a free game download and then do what one might expect: They snarl at the guilty testers, call them unflattering names , threaten them with discipline, curse them, and pretty much throw a group hissy fit.

This ugly battle rages until the information technology manager, who just walked into the building, hears about what s happening to his people and rallies to the testers. A full-fledged shouting match ensues. It s not long before the IT manager is accusing the rest of the management team of treating the programmers with disrespect, making false accusations, and using offensive language.

The managers are now so angry that they could spit. They ve caught the weasels red-handed ”they really had messed up ”and their colleague, the IT manager, has the nerve to be pointing at the management team. Has the world gone completely mad? It takes days for this incident to settle down, and everyone ends up with egg on his or her face. Everyone.

The Hazardous Half Minute

We used to call the first 30 seconds of a crucial confrontation the hazardous half minute because the overall climate and eventual results are often set in place in seconds. We were wrong. The climate isn t set in the first 30 seconds; it just becomes visible in that time frame. We establish the climate the moment we assume that the other person is guilty and begin feeling angry and morally superior. It takes only a moment to send a crucial confrontation down the wrong track, and it all takes place inside our heads. Here s what this looks like:

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Another person does something, and, as a result, we re propelled to action. Here s the path we take: We see what that person did and then tell ourselves a story about why he or she did it, which leads to a feeling, which leads to our own actions. If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline , blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically engineered response of fight or flight, and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile. We say and do dim-witted things.

Under these circumstances we come to some of the most ignorant conclusions imaginable. For instance, a fellow comes home from a long road trip and is feeling amorous, but his wife isn t. Soon he s pacing around and muttering to himself. Finally, here s the plan his blood-starved brain comes up with: I ve got it. I ll try to woo her with a sarcastic comment or two. Oddly enough, insensitive sarcasm doesn t seem to do anything to soften his wife s mood.

Consider the software development leaders. First came the observation: The software isn t working. Next came the story:

The testers didn t run the final tests because they don t like doing them; in fact, they live in their own little world and don t care what happens to others. Then came the feeling of anger, followed by a fierce and futile attack. This entire path to action ”the jump from observation, to story, to feeling, to action ”takes but a moment and sets the tone for everything that follows .