Manners

Being well-mannered is not simply learning a lot of dos and don ts. It is not just about etiquette, which to me conjures up pictures of maiden aunts discussing the correct way to hold a teaspoon. The whole question of good manners is a much more important issue, for in essence it is about showing consideration for the feelings of others, about putting yourself in someone else s shoes (or sandals), and respecting their ways of thinking and behaving, especially if you are in their country and even when they are in yours.

You can t talk about good or bad manners in isolation, because they impinge on many aspects of life. For example, is it polite or impolite to show an interest in an individual by asking personal questions? Does it show good manners and consideration for fellow participants valuable time to get straight down to business at a meeting, or is it a sign of rudeness and lack of respect for the people you hope to do business with? Your answer will depend on your cultural background.

You are always going to run the risk of breaking some unwritten rule when you visit a foreign country. (I have lived in Sweden for fifteen years , but I never remember to take off the paper before presenting flowers to someone. Somehow I ve never been able to accept that it is good manners to press a bunch of slimy stalks into someone s hand.) Luckily, most people will not worry about such minor breaches of etiquette.

However, there are some sure-fire ways of upsetting people, and they are the same wherever you find yourself. Directly or indirectly criticizing someone s country ”its customs , its food, its efficiency, and the appearance of its citizens would be pretty certain ways of putting an end to any business plans. Another example of bad manners guaranteed to annoy is to display a complete lack of knowledge of, or interest in, your hosts country or culture. Consequences of this ignorance can have practical consequences. For example, your letters addressed to the city formerly known as Bombay may not be delivered, as the name has been changed to Mumbai. Such mistakes can also result in a rapid cooling in relations if, for example, you assume the businessman from Karachi is from India rather than Pakistan, and your visitor from Vancouver is from the U.S. rather than Canada.

Even less acceptable than ignorance is arrogance . Never assume your culture has possession of the moral high ground, or that the citizens of another country are any less proud of their culture than you are of your own. The attitude that we do things better where I come from is easily detected and very much resented. It is also the ultimate in bad manners.

LETTERS 28 “29

Being well-mannered implies having at least a basic knowledge of the country and people you are doing business with. There are so many websites devoted to the culture, history, and news of every country that there is no excuse for ignorance.

Is the U.K. UnKnown? Letter 28

EGYPT ABOUT THE U.K.

We had a visitor from the U.K. recently, and before his presentation I introduced him as an Englishman. He corrected me and said he was a Scotsman. I felt I d put my foot in it, and would like to know what I d said wrong.

There s quite a big difference. Despite being so small, the United Kingdom is divided into four countries : England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Although the traditions that bind them are very strong, each country has a separate identity, and this sense of national separateness has been strengthened recently as political power has passed from London to the national assemblies.

Scotland has always had its own legal and education system, and in the shops you can spend both English and Scottish money. In Wales, the national identity is very much tied up with the ancient Celtic language of Welsh, while until very recently Northern Ireland s bloody history has set it apart both from the rest of the U.K., and its neighbor, Ireland. The term Great Britain , by the way, refers only to mainland Britain and doesn t include Northern Ireland.

People from the U.K. are very proud of where they come from and will usually correct you if you get their nationality wrong. They can spot nationals from other parts of Britain by their accents, but this isn t easy if your native language isn t English. So if you don t know exactly where your visitor comes from, you can always avoid the problem by calling him or her British.

American miss ? Letter 29

FROM JAPAN ABOUT THE U.S.

I ve heard that people from Brazil and Canada may be offended if I use the term American to refer only to the people who live in the United States. Is this so?

What we call each other is a sensitive matter. When many people use the term American, they mean someone from the U.S. ”which is strange when you think about it, as many countries make up the two American continents. After all, if we refer to someone as European, we are aware that he or she can come from one of many different countries and cultures.

Even the term North Americans is not specific enough, for that includes Canadians and Mexicans. Latin Americans often call people from the U.S. and Canada gringos , which no longer carries the anti-American tone that it had in the past. (And some Latin Americans even use this term to describe people from Germany and the north of Europe.)

In Britain, we often refer to people from the U.S. as Yankees or Yanks , and in contrast with most of the rest of South America, Argentineans and Uruguayans will often use the term instead of gringo . However, the terms Yankees and Yanks are not popular in the U.S., because people from the southern states don t regard themselves as Yankees at all!

I ve heard a Canadian say that citizens of the U.S. should really be called Usians , but somehow I don t think it will catch on. Instead, if you talk about U.S. Americans, Canadians, Brazilians, and so on, nobody should be offended.

LETTERS 30 “31

How you should talk to customers or colleagues and what it s acceptable to talk about are aspects of communication that people from different cultures have very different ideas about. (You can read more about how we communicate, and the language we use to do so, in Chapter 4.)

Just too loud? Letter 30

FROM JAPAN ABOUT THE U.S.

I was very surprised on my first visit to the United States to be spoken to as if I was a very stupid child by people who do not seem to be able to moderate their voices. Why do they speak so loudly?

What is regarded as an acceptable vocal volume varies enormously from culture to culture. Americans do tend to make themselves heard more than some other people as they are up-front communicators who aren t used to hiding their feelings. They put a value on self-expression and on an individual presenting his or her ideas clearly, and they want to be heard when they speak. But they are not alone in this. Germans may speak more loudly than some fellow Europeans like Finns or Swedes, and the volume of an animated discussion in Italy can also be pretty high. In other cultures where quietness and modesty are valued, such as Japan, Indonesia, or Thailand, loud voices are seen as a breach of good manners, and speech is usually more moderated . But don t confuse loudness with rudeness. Where loud voices are the norm they are simply regarded as a reflection of the speaker s involvement in the subject.

But a final thought has struck me. English speakers faced with foreigners whose native language is not English may wonder if they are being understood . Perhaps the Americans you met spoke as they did in the (mistaken) belief that the louder they spoke the easier you would find it to understand them. And to turn to the point you make about being spoken to as if you were a child: I think this can be a mistaken way to help non-native speakers of English understand the language. In an effort to simplify the language people sometimes remove key articles of grammar, or speak what amounts to baby talk to foreign visitors . The intention is to be helpful but the speaker comes across as patronizing.

Horror, shock ! Letter 31

FROM THE U.S. ABOUT SPAIN

I was recently in Spain and commented after a meal how much I disliked bullfighting. I realized from the reactions of my Spanish counterparts that they didn t agree, but I feel I have a right to my opinion.

Of course you have a right to your opinions , but not a heaven-made right to express them if you know they are going to upset other people. A wonderful English noblewoman, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, wrote in a letter in 1755, . . . fig leaves are as necessary for our minds as for our bodies, and tis as indecent to show all we think as all we have.

That doesn t mean you have to lie about your convictions, but try to avoid getting into discussions that could become heated. When faced with a question that could lead to trouble, there is usually a diplomatic answer if you can think quickly enough. I hope you can select the preferred alternative in the example below.

Question: Don t you think that our health service is the best in the world?

Alternative answer 1: No, I don t. Ours is obviously much more efficient, and our nurses are prettier too.

Alternative answer 2: Luckily I haven t been ill during my time here, so I really don t have much firsthand experience. But I passed an impressive white building on my way from the airport. Was that a hospital? Does it have a good reputation?

The ultimate bad manners are to criticize, directly or indirectly, the country where you are a guest. If you do ”expect fireworks!

LETTERS 32 “35

Rude behavior in your culture is not necessarily rude in another. The rules of the game may be quite different to what you are used to.

Just too busy . . . Letter 32

FROM SPAIN ABOUT THE U.S.

We have a new colleague from the U.S. in our office. Naturally we want to be friendly, but he only talks about work and does not seem to want to take the time to get to know us. Some of us think he s rather rude, but is this a cultural thing?

It s hard to say how much it is the individual s personality that affects his behavior and how much it s the culture he comes from. It s quite a stressful situation finding oneself in a new culture, especially if you are the only foreigner in the workplace, and individuals react to stress in different ways. Some mask their uncertainty with an overly confident manner; others hide themselves away from social contact.

However, there may be cultural differences at the root of what you perceive as rudeness. U.S. Americans, like the Germans, take their work very seriously, and it is important to them that they are seen as efficient and hard-working. During the working day socializing will often take a backseat to work, whereas in your own culture and in those of Southern Europe and Latin America socializing is an integral part of the job. American culture is sequential, meaning that people prefer to do one thing at a time, and for Americans business comes first and then pleasure . Where they do try to combine the two, at a working lunch , for example, the emphasis will be mostly on the business at hand and less on the social or culinary aspects.

So don t take his seeming lack of interest in you as a sign of rudeness. Include him in your lunchtime meals, and tell him jokingly that when he leaves his desk talking shop is forbidden. There are few people of any culture who do not appreciate genuine friendliness.

. . . or too tired ? Letter 33

FROM FRANCE ABOUT JAPAN

On my recent visit to Japan, the top manager at the meeting where I presented my proposal appeared to sleep during my entire speech. He didn t have any comments to make or questions to ask afterwards, so I doubt he heard a word I said. I found his behavior very disconcerting and indeed rude. Do you have an explanation for it?

Unless he was snoring loudly, you don t actually know he was asleep. In Japan, sitting with one s eyes closed in meetings is quite common. It usually means that you are listening carefully , not that you are tired or bored. The Japanese are good listeners, and it s likely that he was simply concentrating deeply on what you were saying. If you were speaking in English, and not his native language, he may have needed to listen particularly intensely. Or he may not have understood any English at all and was concentrating on what the interpreter said. It is quite common for senior managers not to play an active role in business discussions, but to leave the practicalities to their subordinates , who may have a better command of English and a more detailed knowledge of the business under discussion. It would be wrong to interpret his behavior as reflecting lack of interest or deliberate rudeness.

This also underlines the need to socialize with the Japanese and not to place so much value on the midday meeting or presentation. It would be a good idea to invite the manager and his subordinates to dinner, as it s often during these social occasions that senior Japanese open up and become more receptive to new ideas.

Yuck . . . no thanks! Letter 34

FROM THE U.S. ABOUT SOUTH KOREA

On my first visit to South Korea a few years ago I made a real mistake. I was offered tea a couple of times before a meeting, but I refused because I don t like tea (or coffee either, come to that). I found out later that I had created a very negative impression and was regarded as a rude foreigner. Let that be a warning to others!

The act of eating and drinking with another person is not simply about the simultaneous consumption of calories , but it provides an opportunity to help build or strengthen a relationship. In individualist cultures like yours, you expect to gratify your own specific tastes, which is why going to U.S. fast-food restaurants is such a stressful experience for many Europeans, who find it difficult to choose between twenty different types of coffee. In the majority of other cultures, the offering and acceptance of food and drink has a symbolic value, and if you reject the offered coffee or candies out of hand, you are also rejecting the person who is doing the offering. When traveling anywhere abroad, try to forget some of your likes and dislikes if you can and accept offers of food and drink, for acceptance can be the first step to getting to know someone better. (And after all, we aren t talking about eating monkey brains here.)

By the way, visitors to your office in the U.S. would probably appreciate being offered refreshments. They might even think that not being offered anything was rude. So even if you can t offer the full spectrum of beverages and cold drinks, do remember to offer something simply as a friendly gesture.

To queue or not to queue? Letter 35

FROM ENGLAND ABOUT GERMANY

Why is it that in some countries queuing is respected and others it s not? I find it very irritating when I travel to Germany and other people barge ahead of me in queues for the elevator or for a table at a restaurant.

You ve got me there! I really can t explain the origins of queuing, and can think of no historical reason why the British, Canadians, and U.S. Americans should take so naturally to it while the Germans, Italians, Japanese, and South Koreans, and the peoples of North Africa and the Middle East, for example, avoid it wherever possible. Italian friends tell me that in many cases queuing is considered a slow and cumbersome way of getting things done, although being British I find the alternatives worse . In England, one of the few times people become angry in public (except at football matches) is when someone tries to jump a queue. It s regarded as a sure indicator of lack of moral fiber. The Swedes are also queuers. As I mentioned in Chapter 1, when you go into any kind of shop in Sweden, whether you want to buy half a pound of cheese or a fur coat you have to take a numbered ticket and wait for your number to come up before you go up to the counter to do your business.

But we have to accept that what is a rule of polite behavior in one country does not automatically apply in another one. There are no global absolutes when it comes to what is polite, and the best we can do when we re traveling is to keep an open mind on the subject.

IN A NUTSHELL: Manners

GLOBAL BUSINESS STANDARDS

Good manners mean you:

Give people from other cultures the benefit of the doubt if they break your rules.

Stay open-minded. Be prepared to modify your behavior and your preconceptions when further information or evidence becomes available about the manners of your target country.

Show an awareness of and interest in the history, customs, and so on of your target country.

Be prepared to explain and/or apologize if you break their rules.

Take time to listen to people; pay close attention to what they say and do not say.

Thank people when they are helpful.

Try to learn at least a little of the language.

Reciprocate as far as you can (hospitality, favors, gifts, and compliments).

Keep in touch after you have gone home.

GLOBAL WARNINGS

Never directly or indirectly criticize any aspect of a foreign country to a native of that country.

Never believe for a minute that only your culture has all the right answers.

 

Below you will find (usually) only one example of good and bad manners for each country. There are, of course, many more.

• Argentina: Good manners: showing personal interest in a new acquaintance. Bad manners: pointing with a finger; when indicating something, use the whole hand. (See Letters 29 and 32.)

• Australia: Good manners: not mistaking good manners for formal manners. People do not stand on ceremony. Bad manners: talking big, boasting.

• Austria: Good manners: being punctual. Bad manners: being very informal; moving to first name terms at the start of a relationship.

• Belgium: Good manners: being aware of the two main language groups, Flemish and French. Bad manners: an outsider approaching an individual employee without checking with his or her manager first.

• Brazil: Good manners: showing personal interest in a new acquaintance. Bad manners: rushing business. (See Letters 29, 30, and 32.)

• Canada: Good manners: having material written in French when dealing with French Canadians. Bad manners: assuming that Canada is just like the U.S. (See Letters 29, 30, and 35.)

• China: Good manners: showing special respect for older people. Bad manners: losing your temper in public under any circumstances. (See Letter 30.)

• Denmark: Good manners: arriving punctually. Bad manners: disparaging the royal family.

• Finland: Good manners: arriving punctually. Bad manners: interrupting a speaker.

• France: Good manners: allowing the most important person to enter a room first. Bad manners: asking personal questions that may be regarded as intrusive ; drinking too much. (See Letters 30 and 33.)

• Germany: Good manners: being punctual. Queuing is not a sign of good manners as it is in many other countries. Bad manners: being very informal; moving to first name terms at the start of a relationship. (See Letters 32 and 35.)

• Hong Kong: See China.

• India: Good manners: allowing time for things to develop and not rushing. Bad manners: questioning or challenging people senior to you.

• Indonesia: Good manners: speaking in a low and modest voice. Bad manners: rushing the getting-to-know-you process and getting down to business too fast. (See Letter 30.)

• Italy: Good manners: showing generosity to new acquaintances and visitors, and reciprocating to such behavior. Bad manners: drinking too much. (See Letters 32 and 35.)

• Japan: Good manners: speaking in a low and modest voice. Bad manners: talking big ; losing your temper. (See Letters 30, 33, and 35.)

• Mexico: Good manners: taking a personal interest in others, acknowledging they have an identity outside of work. Bad manners: shying away from physical signs of friendliness, for example, backslapping or a pat on the arm. (See Letters 29 and 32.)

• Netherlands: Good manners: knowing that Holland is not another name for the Netherlands but is just a part of it. Bad manners: treating subordinates in a less than egalitarian way.

• Norway: Good manners: being on time. Bad manners: not understanding that silence may mean that a Norwegian is considering a point (has not really finished speaking) and interrupting.

• Poland: Good manners: displaying generosity wherever possible, and reciprocating in kind. Bad manners: criticizing sexist attitudes in the country.

• Russia: Good manners: see Poland. Bad manners: addressing someone by first name only; asking someone not to smoke.

• Saudi Arabia: Good manners: ignoring any veiled women not introduced to you by someone else. Bad manners: refusing offered refreshment; asking about the health of someone s wife or daughter . (See Letters 30 and 35.)

• South Africa: Good manners: praising the natural beauty of the country. Bad manners: raising your voice or adopting an aggressive manner.

• South Korea: Good manners: allowing the most important person to enter a room first. Bad manners: refusing an offer of refreshment. (See Letters 34 and 35.)

• Spain: Good manners: avoiding direct confrontation or blunt refusals. Bad manners: criticizing bullfighting. (See Letters 31 and32.)

• Sweden: See Finland. (See Letter 35.)

• Switzerland: See Austria.

• Taiwan: See China.

• Thailand: See Japan. (See Letter 30.)

• Turkey: Good manners: showing respect for older people. Bad manners: directly confronting a fellow worker in the workplace and risking open conflict.

• UK: Good manners: being aware that only citizens of England are English. Inhabitants of England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland are all British. Bad manners: not joining in social conversation (small talk). (See Letters 28, 30, and 35.)

• US: Good manners: being punctual. Bad manners: smoking without asking permission. (See Letters 29, 31, 32, 34, and 35.)

• Venezuela: Good manners: starting conversation with inquiries about health of family. Bad manners: wandering into the kitchen to help with a meal. (See Letters 29 and 32.)