Who Is Not at Fault


In looking at sexual crimes in particular, one final and very important point to make about these online-initiated crimes is that, like all sexual crimes, there is only one person at fault, and that's the predator.

Chatting with a friend about this book, I talked about how children and teens are unknowingly putting themselves in the path of danger by posting information that allows predators to identify them. His comment, with his 14-year-old son sitting right there, was, "How could they be that stupid? People who put themselves at risk like that have only themselves to blame." He then turned to his son and asked, "Don't they teach you about this at school?"

This is an intelligent, educated man who is a good, conscientious parent. Yet unintentionally he had made two common mistakes. First, he assumed that somebody else is teaching his son the right way to behave online. Second, he made his son feel he is to blame and, in fact, stupid, if he posts information somebody else uses to target him or his family. After these comments, how likely is it that his son would come to him if a problem occurred online as a result of his actions?

Remember, there is only one person at fault when this kind of crime occurs, and it is not the victim. Sexual acts with minors are illegal and exploitive, and as a society, everyone must be committed to protecting minors, even when they act against their own best interests. Taking out your shock on your child if a crime is committed is quite simply wrong, and further alienates your child from you. It is important that the first response they get from you is support and help. Yes, they might have done things that placed them at greater risk, but they are the victim, not the abuser.

It is also important to understand that sexual predators frequently try to make a child believe that the abuse was the child's "fault" or something they "wanted" because if the child feels guilty or ashamed they will be much less likely to report it. Predators make claims such as, "You wouldn't have contacted me if you didn't want it," or "I only did this because I thought it was what you wanted." When a caregiver or authority figure says to an abused child or teen something like "What were you thinking?" or "What was your part in this?" they can be seen as siding with the predator. The parent reinforces that message of guilt and removes the last shreds of hope from the child that they will be believed, nurtured, and protected by those they need support from the most.

A Special Note About Sensitivity to Victims of Sexual Abuse

The following is a quote by Lucy Berliner, Director, Harborview Center for Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress, and Clinical Associate Professor, University of Washington School of Social Work and Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences: "Internet sexual exploitation situations often involve a complication in responding to the victims. Although the adult offender is always fully responsible for breaking the law and for taking advantage of the victim, in many cases the victims do not believe they were victimized. They see themselves as involved in a consensual relationship and may not want to cooperate with prosecution or seek treatment for the effects of their victimization experience. It requires great care and skill to connect with the youth and help them come to see the reality of their experience."

It could take many years for the child or teen to realize there was abuse going on. If, in this vulnerable state, it sounds to your child as if you are critical of her actions or blaming her for what happened, she might feel like you are siding with the predatorthat it was her fault. As a result, you might shatter your child's last hopes for help and support.

As Kenneth Lanning, a special agent with the FBI for more than 30 years, has said in his book titled Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis, "Child victims can be boys as well as girls, and older as well as younger. Not all child victims are 'little angels.' They are, however, human beings."

As Lanning points out, it's important to remember that your child is a victim even when he or she has used poor judgment or made mistakes. As a society, people sometimes struggle to identify who the victim is in an abuse case. It might be hard to accept, for example, that a prostitute can be a victim, even if she initiated contact. No matter what a young child or teen has initiated, children are always the victims if they are abused mentally or physically by an adult.


Blaming the victim might in fact drive them into the arms of other online "friends" for comfort, and will certainly minimize the likelihood that they'll tell you about other instances or issues. You need to be very careful to work with any victim to help them heal from the experience and become more educated about risks.

Find Out More

What can you do if you find that someone you know is a victim of an online crime? See Chapter 18, "It Takes Everyone to Make a Safe Internet," for specific steps you can take.


The chapters in the next part of this book provide further insight into predator behavior, and specific steps you can take to remain as safe online as you do in your own home or town.



Look Both Ways. Help Protect Your Family on the Internet
Look Both Ways: Help Protect Your Family on the Internet
ISBN: 0735623473
EAN: 2147483647
Year: 2004
Pages: 157
Authors: Linda Criddle

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