Section 17.1. Socializing and Dating Services | iPhone: The Missing Manual, 4th Edition

17.1. Socializing and Dating Services

Millions of people use social sites every month. Some are just interested in making new friends , but the vast majority are looking for dates. Some people love the convenience and directness of online dating, where you can search exclusively for partners who share your interests. Others may find it a bit too conquest -orientedtoo much like catalog shopping.

Either way, all the sites work pretty much the same way. You sign up for an account, create a profile that describes you and what you like, and post your profile on the site.

Other people can see your profile and send you a message in the hopes of getting acquainted. (All of this courtship business is conducted within the matchmaking service itself; your profile and messages are hidden from the outside world. This situation offers security on both sidessecurity for you, in the form of privacy protection, and security for the dating site's bank balance because you're sure to keep paying your subscription fees while looking for love.)

If both parties are interested, the personal contact moves from online interaction to live dates. Some people turn out to be exactly as they describe themselves . Others not so much.

In any case, the date either works out and leads to a full-time relationship, or it doesn't, and you go back to browsing more profiles on dating sites.

Note: Most dating sites let you browse people's profiles for free, but if you want to actually contact anybody about a potential date, you have to pay a monthly fee. Prices vary, although there are a few free services, like Plenty of Fish (www.plentyoffish.com).If you're curious to know how these services stack up against each other, try one of the comparison sites mentioned back in Chapter 7. ConsumerSearch, for example, delves into that very topic at www.consumersearch.com/www/internet/online-dating/fullstory.html.

Most sites offer checkboxes to narrow your search. Common categories include religion, age, sexual orientation, smoking status (cigarettes, not looks), and so on. It's not exactly like getting a mail-order bride (although there are sites for that , too), but some people go into these things with very precise expectations of what they want.

To avoid misunderstandings, be honest in your profile and your intentions. The relative anonymity and virtual reality of the Internet give people the chance to leave behind aspects of their lives and personalities they wish to hide. But these things can manifest themselves in ugly or awkward ways ( How could you not like my Sigmundyou said you love dogs !), so make sure you're advertising a version of yourself that stays moderately close to the truth.

17.1.1. Finding the Right Site

Different sites take different approaches. Lavalife (www.lavalife.com) mainly caters to younger , tech-savvy people looking to date. SeniorFriendFinder (www.seniorfriendfinder.com) is aimed at older people looking for love and companionship. There are even sites that target people with special interests like owning horses or listening to Goth music (www.equestriancupid.com and www.gothicmatch.com , to be precise).

UP TO SPEED
Tips for Online Dating

Online dating services let you meet, date, and even marry someone you might have never met in real life. It all starts with what you put in your profile and how you play things when the emailing begins.

Here are a couple of points to respect and protect the feelings of all involved:

Don't lie . Trust is key in any relationship. If your profile claims you're a high- powered movie exec with a Ferrari and a house in the O.C., expect some harsh criticism from your dates if you turn out to be a middle manager at a paper-goods company who drives a 10-year-old Nissan. Similarly, if you're already hitched and trolling around the dating sites, at least be upfront about it.
Don't use ancient pictures . It may still be you, but using an old snapshot from 20 years ago in your profile isn't accurately representing yourself.

Better yet, here are some tips to improve your chances of striking gold in the online dating world:

Don't send out form letters . Take the time to read people's full profiles. Then compose personalized notes based on their interests. People get enough spam in real life; they'll recognize a canned, three-line cut 'n' paste job if that's what you're sending out.
Don't write someone off after one message . Some people take a little while to warm up, especially in online situations. Face it, some warm and wonderful folks just aren't great wordsmiths; give 'em a break if their prose isn't as polished as yours.
Don't hog the conversation . If you meet someone and are in the email stage, ask questions about the other person's life. Make it a two-way exchange instead of sending long rambling messages all about yourself that suck the air out of the virtual room.
Don't use profanity or dirty jokes . Until you find out more about the person, it's best to keep your communications courteous and G-rated.

When it comes down to it, dating is dating, and the online factor mainly facilitates the meeting part of the equation. Despite the electronics involved, you're still dealing with a human being with thoughts and feelings on the other end of your Internet connection.

Dating sites catering to people seeking marriage often refer to themselves as "online relationship sites." They attempt to approach the compatibility problem as scientifically as possible. For example, you fill out a lengthy personality profile and pay a fee ($21 to $60 a month, depending on how many months you sign up for in advance). At www.eharmony.com , for instance, you answer 436 questions about all aspects of your personality, including sense of humor, intellect, and spiritual beliefs. The company's computers then attempt to match you up with somebody with a similar profile.

Speaking of spiritual beliefs: many sites are designed for those who want to date within their faith. Some of these include JDate (a site for Jewish singles at www.jdate.com); BigChurch (for Christian singles ; www.bigchurch.com); and the Muslim Marriage Junction (www.muslimmarriagejunction.com). Other sites help people with similar ethnic backgrounds, sexual orientations, or interests (like pets) meet each otherthe dating portal site TruDating has loads of links to these specialized matchmaking sites at www.trudating.com.

17.1.2. Online Dating Safety Tips

You've probably heard horror stories in the news about dates gone horribly, horribly wrong in one way or another. Like anything you do online, you need to use caution and common sense in your online dealings, and dating is no exception. For example:

Go slowly . Take your time and get to know the other person through email and a photo exchange before you make the move to telephone calls or meeting in person. People who want to rush things along probably aren't a good match for you. Trust needs to be earned on the installment plan.
Guard your privacy . Use the Internet's anonymity to your advantage. Don't put your whole life story in your profileor your personal email address, your phone number, your mailing address, or where you work. You may even want to create a separate "dating-only" email account for your romantic expeditions.
Trust your instincts . If anything raises nagging suspicions or makes you feel at all uneasy, don't hesitate to walk way. People who dodge direct questions, won't speak on the phone, or provide inconsistent background stories should get your Spidey Sense tingling.
Talk on the phone . After you've emailed awhile, the next stage should be a phone conversation. You can tell a lot about someone from a simple voice chat (and also find out if you two can carry on a conversation that doesn't involve typing). But play it safe here, toodon't give out your home phone number and, if possible, call from a cellphone or one that can block Caller ID from displaying on the other end. Nowadays, you can even talk to someone by way of instant message audio chat (Section 15.2.7.1).
Meet in a safe public place . Before you shut down the PC and go running off to meet a date for the first time, tell a close friend where you're going and when you'll be back so someone knows your whereabouts. Meet in a public place with plenty of people around, like a coffee shop or in the caf area of your favorite mega-bookstore. Don't let your date pick you up at home or make travel arrangements for you if it's a long-distance first meeting.

Needless to say, never do anything that makes you uncomfortable, no matter what the other person wants.

There's nothing wrong with a quick Web search on someone you're interested in, either. Sites like SafeDate (www.safedate.com) and True (www.true.com ) even go as far as running criminal-and matrimonial- background checks on potential dates.

If you're new to the whole online dating scene and don't have any dead-set expectations about who you're looking for, Friendster and Match.com, described in the following sections, may be good places to begin your quest.

17.1.3. Friendster

With millions of members and the ability to find old classmates, co-workers , and that guy you used to skydive with, Friendster (www.friendster.com) fuses social networking with online dating. People in the real world meet other people through friends, and friends of friends. Friendster recreates social circles online by letting you create a profile page and then tag those folks who you've anointed as friends. Links to the profiles of all your friends appear on your profile page, making it easy to see who knows whom and where those social circles intersect.

You can tag people as friends in three different ways:

Use Friendster's built-in invite tools and send them an email invitation to join Friendster, which automatically adds the person to your friends list if he or she accepts your invite.
Use Friendster's search box to look up people who might already be members and invite them to be your friend through the site.
When browsing other member's profile pages, click "Add person as your friend." This sends a message to the other member; if your intended pal accepts your invitation, you get a message back confirming that friendly fact.

When you sign up for Friendster (which is free but slathered with advertisements), you're invited to import your Yahoo Mail or Hotmail email address book and invite all your buddies to be your Friendster friends. As you work through your profile setup, you're prompted to upload a personal photo and fill out a form detailing your hometown, educational background, job, hobbies, and favorite books, movies, music, and TV shows. You also get a freeform box to describe yourself in 2,000 characters or less. Once you get your profile page rolling, you can add your own blog to it, post up to 50 personal photos, or share video clips with your pals.

You also get your own email inbox on the site, as shown in Figure 17-1, which you can use to send notes to other Friendsters. (This is a safer way to meet new people than passing out your email address to online strangers.) You can search profiles by name , location, college, or favorite TV shows.

Figure 17-1. A Friendster account sets you up with your own wellsponsored mailbox. (Since it's free, be prepared to see lots of ads.) Click the Bulletin Board link to post messages (like group invitations) that you want all your Friendster pals to see.

Tip: If you enter friends' names in your Friend Tracker (located in the Connect With Friends box on your Friendster Home page), the site notifies you whenever those friends update their photos or profiles.

When you click the My Settings link at the top of any Friendster page, you can choose who has permission to see your full profilefriends, friends of friends, or anybody on Friendster. People who aren't on your approved list see only a very minimal profile, with just your first name, age, gender, location, and hometown listed.

The horizontal orange toolbar across the top of the Friendster page holds links to other corners of the site. Under Radio, for example, there's a streaming music service (powered by Pandora; Section 11.4.3) where you can create personalized radio stations to share your taste in music with your Friendster pals.

And taking a cue from Craigslist (Section 7.2.3), Friendster has a classifieds section where people can post details about anything from an open job to an open house. In the toolbar, click More and then Classifieds to see them.

17.1.4. Match.com

Match.com (www.match.com) has been around since 1995 and has more than eight million members; no wonder it claims to be the biggest online personals site.

Match.com doesn't waste any time getting you on the road to love: a form to create a Match.com account sits smack-dab in the middle of its home page (shown in Figure 17-2). Once you fill in a few essentials like your gender, location, age, and the gender and age range of the person you'd like to meet, click Find My Matches to see a few randomly selected people who match your criteria. To find really compatible people, though, you need to fill out an in-depth Match.com profile by clicking the My Profile link at the top of the page. You set up your profile by answering a multipage questionnaire, which includes questions like "How tall are you?" and "What's your sign?" Answer, "I don't believe in astrology" if you don't roll with the zodiac crowd .

Figure 17-2. Match.com doesn't waste any time booking you on the Love Train. The sign-up box on the home page, shown here, gathers basic information; you fill out a much more in-depth profile a few steps later.

Tip: You can update your profile at any time by clicking the My Profile link at the top of any Match.com page.

Posting a photo is optional, but consider this bit of dating research: Match.com says that men are 15 times more likely to look at a profile that includes a photo; women are 8.5 times more likely to look if there's a photo. (Insert your own wisecrack about gender-based approaches to dating here.)

After your profile is complete, you submit the whole thing to Match.com for approval. The site's customer service team checks it over (within 48 hours) to make sure you're not an ax murderer. Then your profile is available to people who are searching the site for someone like you.

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Teen Dreams: MySpace and Facebook

If you've never heard of these sites, you're probably over the age of 21 or don't read the news. MySpace (www.myspace.com) and Facebook (www.facebook.com) cater to the teenage and young adult need for socializing and self-expressionand have zoomed up the popularity charts with the teen crowd. MySpace alone had more than 70 million members by early 2006 and dwarfs many of the dating sites aimed at adults. Facebook has around 10 million members. (An academic email address ending in .edu is required for admission.)

The idea is that you post your profile, photos, and personal essays onto free Web pages and create circles of friends culled from other members. Kids have taken to using the sites as tools to elevate and evaluate social status; sometimes they find new friends with shared interests. MySpace encourages all sorts of creativity, inviting its members to post their own movies and music videos ; many up-and-coming bands and filmmakers use the site to display their projects and MP3 song samples (Figure 17-3).

Facebook is handy because you can find out more about that cute kid who sits in front of you in chemistrylike whether there's a relationship in progress already, or what extracurricular activities you could join to gain more accessbefore you have the courage to speak up in person.

But with that sort of unrestricted freedom come the inevitable risks. Some folks commit the big no-no of freely posting all their personal informationincluding email addresses, home addresses, IM screen names (Section 15.2), and phone numberswhich can lead creeps and criminals right to your front door.

Some members have also posted indiscreet photos, which can come back to haunt them later in life. A good rule of thumb for anyone using either of these sites: If you don't want it to come back and bite you, don't put it online in the first place.

The Search button at the top of any Match.com page lets you search for people with similar interests, or based on self-described physical characteristics, location, lifestyle, age, and so on.

All the above activities are free. Once you find someone on the site you want to meet, however, contacting her requires getting out your credit card and subscribing . Prices for these plans are awfully hard to locate on the site, but currently go as follows : $30 for one month, $51 for three months, or $78 for six months. With your subscription in hand, you have your backstage pass to wander around and send messages or flirty little " winks" (instant message type notes that express an interest in someone) to other members.

Figure 17-3. MySpace has become an online hangout for millions of people, most of them teens and young adults, who all post their profiles, photos, and other personal details in order to make new friends. Emerging bands, artists , and filmmakers also use MySpace as a place to announce their projects, like the music festival shown here that includes MP3 song samples.

You can also sign up to have Match.com send you email messages featuring the profiles of people it thinks you'd match up with. Just click the Account Settings link at the top of the page and click the Match By Mail option. If you're frequently on the road, there's even a version of the site for cellphones at http://mobile.match.com.