Language That Divides

Marshall Goldsmith, named by the Wall Street Journal as one of the nation’s top 10 consultants in executive development, defines a destructive comment as one that does not add value and does not help you or others get the job done.

In developmental assessments, 88 percent of leaders admitted that they could improve in avoiding destructive comments, and 83 percent of their bosses agreed.

Such statements are hardly thought about and often just roll right off our tongues. The negative effect is very subtle and can go unnoticed by those making the remark. Some of these comments are clearly hurtful, others are wrapped in nuances, and others make us smile and laugh. But most destroy trust and chip away at credibility.

Are our leaders watching their mouths? Not nearly enough. In developmental assessments, 88 percent of leaders admitted that they could improve in avoiding destructive comments, and 83 percent of their bosses agreed.

Destructive comments sound like

• “Paul’s got a good heart. It’s just that his people skills suck.”

• “Do I want to go to Arnold’s team meeting? Sure, I like watching incompetence at work.”

• “Do you remember how we said there could never be anyone as bad as Helen? Think again, our new boss is a piece of work, believe me.”

• “Of course, Sue is the queen of smarts. And her ego won’t let us forget it.”

These comments are not beneficial in any way. Some may be an attempt to point out an underlying issue or conflict that needs to be resolved. For instance, perhaps Arnold has a performance problem or Sue’s know-it-all attitude is negatively affecting team members. However, there are more effective ways to bring about solutions.

Because destructive comments are often funny and said without thinking, avoiding them requires discipline and restraint. You must think before you speak, making sure that your comments about another person offer value of some kind or at least are neutral.

I once coached a young executive, Joan, who was very witty and smart. On a survey of credible behaviors, her team of coworkers scored her a low 1.5 out of 5 on “avoids destructive comments.” Yet Joan’s direct reports—not her peers— scored her very high. They did not hear destructive comments from her.

“I know enough not to do this with my direct reports,” she told me. “But whoa, when I get in the conference room with colleagues and shut the door, we do let it all hang out! And I thought it was okay to do it there.”

But it wasn’t okay, and her credibility with her colleagues was suffering for it. Although other team members saw the fun in it—and even joined in—Joan’s credibility rating was taking a hit.

Research seems to confirm that, like Joan, leaders tend to watch their mouths in front of direct reports but suffer from loose lips when they get around their peers. In developmental surveys, 75 percent of leaders’ peers said that improvement was in order in avoiding and discouraging destructive comments about other people and organizations, whereas only 58 percent of the same leaders’ direct reports agreed.

Another top-notch manager I coached had one of the sharpest wits I have encountered. A good sense of humor can be a great addition to a leader’s toolbox if it is exercised with caution. This particular leader had not mastered avoiding destructive comments while being funny. And, oh boy, was he funny; I had to hold my side as he would go from one zing to another. But just because his comments were hilarious did not mean that they were appropriate in an organizational setting. After discussing with him the possible pitfalls of these funny one-liners, he said, “Well, I’ll just have to cut down.”

In developmental surveys, 75 percent of leaders’ peers said that improvement was in order in avoiding and discouraging destructive comments about other people and organizations, whereas only 58 percent of the same leaders’ direct reports agreed.

“Do you want to be funny or credible?” I asked him. Reducing the number of destructive comments you make will not necessarily improve others’ perceptions. People do not say, “Oh, he used to belittle me all the time, but now he only does it five or six times a week. Isn’t that great?” If you are serious about improving your credibility, you will avoid the habit of making destructive comments as much as humanly possible.