Talking Down

When John Heer, president of Baptist Hospital in Pensacola, Florida, and senior vice president of Baptist Health Care, eats lunch in the company cafeteria with his frontline staff, they like it. One staff member says that it makes her feel “very important.” While John’s staff appreciates his giving them an opportunity to have conversations—whether they are about serious business concerns or casual revelations about life outside the office—they also value the way that he talks to them. “He talks to us in a down-to-earth, regular guy sort of way,” one told me. This comment says a lot about John, especially considering the great divide in professional status between John’s position and his frontline staff’s.

Another leader I coached was not perceived as well as John. At the pharmaceutical company where he worked, Todd’s direct reports and peers felt that he conveyed a “ better than” attitude. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and a rich vocabulary, Todd may have intimidated some—even unintentionally. When you have become a leader because of what you are capable of and what you know, it is tempting to see yourself as better than others. But I do not believe that Todd was actually arrogant. He was in fact a very fun and caring person, and I liked him a lot. In sessions with his direct reports, I learned that they felt that he talked too much, and a few did not like his use of “big words.” I suggested to Todd that he sometimes check with his people to see whether they want the 5- or 10-minute version of an explanation or discussion. “I have used this technique before, and it’s a good one,” he said. “People always want the short answer.” He was correct; people generally do want the shorter version. The point of Todd asking the question, however, is to help people understand that he is working on this issue and to help him remember to be aware of how long he talks. Ultimately, Todd has to learn to monitor his airtime and be conscious of how his listeners perceive him.

Addressing the issue of Todd’s rich vocabulary was not so clear-cut. Someone who happens to have an admirable command of the English language certainly should be able to enjoy using it. On the other hand, smart leaders work hard to break down barriers within their organizations, and words sometimes create barriers. One of Todd’s colleagues suggested that he avoid his “high-level vocabulary” when talking with certain groups so as not to be seen as “talking above.”

Getting at the root of perceived arrogance is sometimes difficult. People can be arrogant in very subtle ways. A parental tone of voice, a slight cock of the head, or a condescending look—any of these combined with a tendency to talk a lot or listen less can give others a bad impression. Learning about that bad impression through 360-degree performance surveys can be brutal, especially when you are actually meek in spirit. There is often an uncomfortable silence in a coaching session when I ask, “What are you doing to create this perception of arrogance?” Sometimes I already know the answer because the person is talking down to me; this turns out to be a good situation because I can call it to the person’s attention and even mirror it for him or her on the spot. Other times the executive is not sure what he or she is doing, and we have to dig for the answers.

Ask yourself:

• In my interactions with other people in my organization, who does most of the talking? If others rarely take an opportunity to speak, consider whether you are hogging the airtime or, worse, acting in a way that makes them feel they should not speak.

• Do I overlook people who might offer meaningful ideas? If you really believe that others’ opinions and input are valuable, then show it. Ask for their thoughts, and really listen to their replies.

• When I offer advice, was I first asked for it? This is not to say that you should only offer advice when asked; after all, one of a leader’s responsibilities is to develop his or her followers, and that is a difficult task if the leader has to wait for prompting. However, some people like to hear themselves talk. Make sure that you are not one of them.

• Do I know when to stop? When talking to others, watch how you are being received. Learn to intuit when enough is enough.