Conflict management

The Chinese symbol for conflict combines two symbols “ one of which is danger, the other opportunity. The way you deal with conflict will decide which way it goes.

Here are some reasons why you might get into a conflict situation with your coachee :

• You give the coachee some feedback which he or she is not ready or willing to hear and/or you do it in a clumsy or inappropriate way.

• One of you suggests something that the other disagrees with.

• The coachee is not keeping to the ground rules that you laid down together.

• One of you feels that the coaching is finished, but the other does not.

All these situations describe times when you and your coachee are on opposing sides of an argument. A conflict arises when one or other of you is not willing to negotiate or talk about the fact that there is a disagreement .

There is a useful model which helps to look at the source of conflict. Most conflicts have three levels at which they operate . The first level is the ˜issue level; this is what the conflict or disagreement is actually about, eg washing up being left in the sink or someone being late for meetings you ve arranged. The second level is the ˜relationship level; this is what the conflict is really about “ this is also the level that people usually get emotional about. For example, being late for a meeting is about not respecting you, or what the people in the meeting are doing, enough to turn up on time. This is the level that often does not get discussed in conflicts “ we focus on the issue rather than admit our feelings or concerns about the relationship. The problem is that because you do not talk about the relationship, the other person may not understand why there is a difficulty. The third level is ˜source “ the psychology of why things have the impact on us that they do. Because this can be rooted in our childhood or past experiences, we tend to encourage people to stay away from this area, unless trained to deal with these types of issues.

This means that, in terms of dealing with conflict, you need to have a discussion with the coachee at the relationship level, not just the issue level.

If you find yourself in a conflict situation:

• Deal with the situation immediately. Do not let it fester.

• Deal with your own emotions about the situation. Part of this is about acknowledging what your emotions are and why they have come about.

• Get a perspective on the situation, perhaps by taking a step back and looking at it objectively.

• Talk to the coachee, while remaining calm and assertive. Point out the behaviour that is causing a problem and discuss ways in which the problem can be resolved. Acknowledge the coachee s emotions about the conflict.

• Try to reach a mutually acceptable solution, even if that is agreeing to differ .

• If emotions are running too high to enable you to reach a solution, you may have to call the meeting to a close.