Preface

This book began life as a letter to my children. Like a will, it was to be one of those documents one leaves behind for others to read after the writer has passed away. Its purpose was to explain what I thought about some of the big issues: meaning, purpose, mental health, reading people, surviving loss. I added ruminations to the letter while on flights between speaking engagements, when there was ample time to organize my thoughts. After a few years of this, the letter was getting awfully long. It was time to change formats. Hence, this book.

I must first of all thank my wife, Joan Berman. She read and reacted to the first draft of each chapter while it was still warm from my printer. Her insight is present everywhere in these pages, and her unconditional love has enabled me to be me.

Two close friends Les Lear and Dr. Arnie Einhave also contributed to this book, in more ways than one. Aside from receiving specific feedback from them, I have learned from them both, each in their own way, much about myself , humanity, and humility .

I am deeply grateful to my colleagues. We banter back and forth about many of the ideas in this book on a daily basis. I must mention by name David Batchelor, Barbara Gaiptman, Lisa Tomassetti, and Sean Verhoeven; as members of our companys senior leadership team, these are the people I interact with most frequently and so learn from. But everyone in my organizationincluding those who are no longer part of the teamhas contributed.

I probably learn the most from the people I coach. Every single person is different. The challenges they face may be similar to those of others I have seen, but I am consistently and pleasantly surprised by differences in nuance. I walk into a coaching session with a model in my head for how I think people tick, and I finish that session with a slightly improved model. I receive a gift from every hour with every client.

Speaking of those clients , the privacy of each and every one of them described in this book has been painstakingly protected. Names, titles, and industries have been changed so that nobody could know who in the real world is being described. Even the stories of the progress of coaching dialogues and relationships have been modified in order to conceal identities. For example, if I report that Willie said two things, then in real life somebody other than Willie said one of the two things and somebody else said the other.

I will not, however, conceal my own identity as the client of my therapists. Dr. John Weiser and Patricia Kirby worked hard over the years to support my growth and delicately offered their wisdom at exactly the right times. In addition, my thanks to Paula, who was my first meditation teacher. We have not been in contact for over twenty-five years, but I know shes out there. She introduced me to the possibility of meditative transcendence . John McLeod, an old friend, helped me organize my thoughts on innumerable occasions over the years. My in-laws, Gertrude and Aaron Berman, merit mention as well: They have created a secure family context, forming a solid foundation for everyone around them, including me.

Last, but only to end on a high note, I am immeasurably indebted to my editor, Don Bastian. Don helped to scope out the book and find a publisher. During the writing phase, he cleaned up my messes, demanded greater clarity, challenged my thoughts, encouraged me when I needed it, and ably handled things behind the scenes. It is a fact that if it were not for Don, you would not have this book in your hand.