Mealtimes

When we are going to eat together with people from another culture, we tend to be nervous that somehow we re going to get things wrong. We fear that at that all-important dinner we will use the steak knife for the fish, suffer a bad case of hiccups or drink out of the finger bowl. This insecurity probably has its roots in childhood; when children get to a certain age mealtimes can become fraught as they are drilled in the rules of good behavior with comments like, Elbows off the table, Only your right hand to pass things with please , and Don t stick the chopsticks up in the rice like that. Parents all over the world make their children s lives a misery for the very good reason that they want their offspring to develop good table manners.

When you are abroad, the rules of good table manners change. You can solve some of the problems you have with questions like, What is that funny little fork for? or What should I do with my glass? People usually like to be asked for advice, and if they are sensitive they will understand that as a foreigner you cannot be expected to know the finer points of an alien system of table manners.

That doesn t mean you will escape difficult situations. I remember eating in the large open -plan dining room of a large Swedish pharmaceutical company one lunchtime when a group of Japanese visitors came in. As guests, they sat at a special table with waitress service, and because it was the appropriate season , they were served a local delicacy: crayfish, boiled and served whole. I was amazed, not because visitors had been served this local delicacy, but that their hosts hadn t realized how difficult it would be for their uninitiated guests to eat mini-lobsters wearing complete body armor while at least a hundred curious employees observed their every move. From the visitors point of view, this must have been at best embarrassing and at worst painful for, even when boiled and stone dead, crayfish can still draw blood as unwary diners wrestle with their razor -sharp claws.

If you are charitable, you can see this eagerness to share the best of your local cuisine with foreigners as a sign of justifiable pride in your culture and a generous wish for others to experience it too. Yet sometimes, when I m feeling cynical , I can t help but feel there is an element of conscious or unconscious sadism involved, especially if the guest can t speak the local language and ask exactly what, for example, the local delicacy t te de veau vinaigrette (calf s head in a vinegar dressing) contains.

But there are other more subtle ways of getting things wrong. If you are French or Italian and used to discussing everything from art to politics over your dinner, you may find the South Korean and Japanese habit of eating in silence unnerving, and they might find your constant flow of words distracts from an appreciation of the food. These same French and Italian businesspeople may also find their U.S. American counterpart s way of trying to close a deal over the first course of a meal inappropriate and rude.

And when do you start your meal? If your guests are used to having a snack at 4:00 or 5:00 P.M. and not dining until 10:00 or 11:00 P.M., as in Spain and Brazil, they aren t going to have much of an appetite for dinner at 7:00 or 8:00 P.M. or even earlier, which is the custom in Germany and Scandinavia. And what about smoking? Is it accepted that diners smoke at table (yes in Thailand) and will they mind if you ask them to stop (yes again)?

But despite the possible pitfalls and the fear we all have of making fools of ourselves , the experience of eating and drinking together marks a step forward in a relationship. For mealtimes are about much more than table manners, and sharing a meal is not just about eating and drinking. So don t judge the success of the meal by how good or bad the food was or by how many times you dropped your chopsticks. Consider instead whether you and your dining partner have shared a joke or a companionable silence or discovered a mutual passion for tango or tennis. If so, you have used the occasion to get to know each other better and, it s been time well spent.

LETTER 59

How to get your food into your mouth is not usually something you have to think deeply about. However, it s always difficult managing implements you are not familiar with.

Choosing chopsticks Letter 59

FROM SOUTH AFRICA ABOUT HONG KONG AND CHINA

I ll be traveling to Hong Kong and China for the first time and am not confident about my use of chopsticks. Do I really have to learn?

If your stay was limited to Hong Kong, you could probably manage without learning to use chopsticks, as a fork will almost certainly be provided upon request. However, because you are traveling on to China, you should probably probably buy a pair of chopsticks and start practicing at home, because alternative implements may not be available there and it s better to make your first mistakes in front of a friendly audience! Remember that Chinese food is served on a number of dishes from which you help yourself. Use the serving spoon if there is one, and if there isn t watch what your fellow diners do. If you see them turning their chopsticks around and using the blunt ends to pick up food from the communal plate, do the same. If you are going to Japan, you may not to be happy to hear that their chopsticks are round and even harder to use that the angular Chinese variety.

LETTERS 60 “62

Good and bad table manners vary, of course, from culture to culture.

Embarrassing noise Letter 60

FROM CHINA ABOUT EUROPE

I d just like to warn other Chinese about a mistake I made on my first trip to Europe. I d mastered the cutlery and was prepared for the food, but I made a real mistake with the soup. I drank it as we do in China and didn t try to be silent. I soon realized that everyone in the restaurant was looking at me, and that people regarded the sounds I was making as bad-mannered. It was very embarrassing.

It s always a shock to realize that things that are accepted at home are regarded negatively abroad. In Europe and North America, one is not expected to make any noise when eating or drinking. I must admit that I find it very difficult in China, Hong Kong, or Taiwan not to make a noise when drinking soup, because the flat-bottomed china spoons make it almost impossible to drink quietly . In the West, soupspoons are usually a different shape from other spoons (round instead of oval), and you tip the soup into your mouth silently rather than suck it up.

But the whole question of soup-drinking is a strange one. In the U.K., we are taught from childhood to move the spoon away from the body while eating soup, although when eating puddings and desserts we move the spoon towards us. Most other Europeans think us very peculiar, and when I think about it, I m really not surprised!

Table talk Letter 61

FROM SWEDEN ABOUT FRANCE

I ll be going on a trip to France, and I ve heard a lot about the long lunches there. Is it true that you shouldn t talk business then?

It s very difficult to generalize, but usually meals in countries where people take their food seriously are not good times for discussing business ”and in France, and also in Italy and Spain, they take food very seriously. If you are taken out to a restaurant for lunch in any of these countries, it will be a little later than you eat in Sweden, where foreigners are surprised to find you eating lunch already at 11:30 A.M. Expect lunch to take up to a couple of hours, rather than the 45 minutes you are used to, and to have between three and seven courses. It will probably include wine, and if you re not used to this in the middle of the day take it easy, or you ll find yourself nodding off to sleep in the afternoon.

During the meal itself you shouldn t talk business, and keep off the subjects of families and children too, as these are regarded as personal areas. You can talk about politics, history, literature, even sports ”and food, of course. Take your lead from your French contact. He or she may well get around to talking business by the coffee stage, but don t push it.

Remember that manners are more formal there than in some other countries and that appearances count, so if you re male don t take off your jacket or tie during the meal, and do remember to allow women and more senior colleagues to go through the doorway ahead of you. If you are the guest, it is a good idea to write a short thank you note (in good French if possible) to your host at the end of your trip.

Foreign formalities Letter 62

FROM FRANCE ABOUT CHINA

Next month I will be visiting China for the first time and know I will be attending a formal banquet. What will that involve?

Banquets are a well-established part of business life in China, Taiwan, and Hong Kong and have their own rules of protocol. If you are part of a team, make sure that the most senior member enters the dining room first. You will be seated at a round table (or multiple tables if there are a lot of you) where the host and principal guest face each other, and other guests are seated in descending order of rank. Because of this, take any inquiries about the exact nature of your job, how many subordinates you have, and so on seriously; they need to know this for their seating plan. It s good manners to wait until you re told where to sit, and to wait until the host and principal guest are seated.

The Chinese host will usually start by proposing a toast , and the principal guest should respond in kind. The Chinese take their food seriously and there will be a lot of little bowls to sample, so pace yourself. Because there are usually so many to choose from, it s comparatively easy to avoid the ones you don t like, but remember, if you make a gallant effort and finish all the sea cucumber on your plate, you ll be sure to be served more. So if you discover it isn t your favorite dish, leave a little.

I hope you have been doing some intensive chopstick practice, but remember that it s fine to use the spoon provided to eat your soup and the meat or vegetables it contains. Try to sample a little of everything. When you are served rice, it s perfectly acceptable to raise your bowl to your mouth and shovel it in, but leave a little in your bowl as an indication that you ve had enough. When you ve finished, place your chopsticks side by side on the table or on the chopstick rest rather than on top of the bowl.

LETTERS 63 “64

When we eat can also differ widely from place to place.

Under starter s orders . . . Letter 63

FROM ARGENTINA ABOUT GERMANY

I d like to warn others of a mistake I made on a business trip to Germany. In my country restaurants don t even open for dinner until 9:00 P.M., and I m not used to eating before 10:00 P.M. So when I received an invitation to a restaurant for dinner at 8:00 P.M., I wrongly assumed that people would not start eating immediately. I turned up at 8:30 P.M. to find the other guests halfway through their first course.

There are major differences between cultures regarding when different meals are eaten. In Latin America and the countries around the Mediterranean, people are used to starting dinner at around 10:00 P.M., or even later, while in Germany, Austria, the U.K., and Scandinavia they ve usually finished long since, especially during the week. Recently a colleague told me that she was invited to lunch at 4:00 P.M. on her last visit to Poland, whereas many large companies in Sweden have a lunch break starting at 11:15 A.M., so you can see there is no set time for a particular meal.

There s also a difference in how punctual you need to be when arriving for a meal, especially in the evening. In Germany, people say what they mean, and an invitation for 8:00 P.M. means that s when you re expected. In the U.K., you may be invited at 8:00 for 8:30, which means that you can turn up anytime during that half hour, but that the meal itself will start shortly after 8:30. In Argentina, it s not bad manners to arrive half an hour late; in fact, there it s rather rude to arrive on the dot, which accounts for your late arrival in Germany.

. . . and they re off! Letter 64

FROM ITALY ABOUT JAPAN

I m involved with product presentations for salespeople from other countries. All groups follow the same program, which usually finishes with dinner and entertainment in a restaurant. Several Japanese groups have surprised me by suddenly getting up and leaving, whether dessert has been served or not. Why is this?

I imagine this is a misunderstanding based on problems in communication, as most Japanese avoid being impolite. The sign that triggers their leaving can be that the senior manager gets up, and then everyone else must follow his example. But more likely is that they speak to each other and say, for example, ikimashoo or ikoo ” We re going now.

That they leave before dessert can be explained by the fact that desserts are not common in Japan, and neither is a pause between courses, so perhaps they thought the meal was over. At home, the Japanese may have a snack at work at about 7:00 P.M., then the group s ready to go out and have a beer together. They ll usually have dinner at home at around 10:00 or 11:00 P.M. One thing you can do the next time is phone the restaurant in advance and make sure that the food is served quickly and efficiently . Make sure too that the person with the highest status is served first, that he or she has the best position at the table, and that this person receives the most attention. To help matters, you could also draw up a detailed program that lists specific times for different activities so your guests will know what to expect.

One last point: this program, and the menu, should be written in both English and Japanese. Although it is taught in schools in Japan, the general standard of English is not very high (though much higher than most English- speakers knowledge of Japanese). Your guests may be embarrassed to admit that they don t understand spoken or written instructions, so to be on the safe side, get things translated. Perhaps an interpreter would be a useful guest to have at dinner too.

LETTERS 65 “66

Tipping can be a sensitive issue, especially if people are unaware of local rules. Some English friends of mine drinking in a New York bar discovered this when they did not tip the waitress (bar-maid in British English) at one tough place they were at. The waitress stood up on the counter and shouted at them!

No tipping? Letter 65

FROM BRAZIL ABOUT JAPAN

I ve heard that you shouldn t tip anyone in Japan. Is that true?

That s right. Tipping in restaurants and hotels isn t customary in Japan because employees pride themselves on giving the best possible service as part of the job. In China too, tipping is not widespread and may be regarded by some Communist hardliners as rather insulting. In most cities, 15 percent of the total restaurant bill will be automatically added as a service charge, but having said that, a tip offered discreetly for excellent service will seldom be refused .

Most countries have their own customs governing tipping. In Germany, for example, a service charge is included in the bill at restaurants by law, but a tip is still expected for good service. But what is different there is that you don t leave the tip on the table as you do, say, in the U.K. or the U.S. Instead, you add it to the bill and tell the waiter or waitress to keep the difference.

In other countries, employers may pay very low wages to service personnel who rely on tips to make up their wages . In the U.S., taxi drivers and waiters, to take two examples, expect tips of between 15 and 20 percent, although rates vary from region to region. Finally, in other cultures, such as India, you may tip for a service before you receive it. Both sorts of tipping, for services already provided and services that are to be provided in the future, are included in the special term baksheesh.

Going Dutch Letter 66

FROM SPAIN ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS

I ll be visiting the Netherlands soon and have a question regarding eating out. If I m invited out for dinner, is it true that I should offer to pay for my own meal?

It is true that in the Netherlands friends eating out may well go Dutch, which means splitting the bill between them. This is also common in the U.S., the U.K., and Sweden. However, if you are invited out by a business acquaintance, it is usually understood that he or she will pay the bill. If you re not quite sure of what to do, it s probably a good idea to offer to pay your share just to be on the safe side. In Southern European, Middle Eastern, and Latin American cultures, where people compete to pay the bill and welcome the chance it gives them to display generosity, this emphasis on equality can be interpreted as meanness, whereas it actually reflects the Dutch people s sense of fairness. In their minds, and in the minds of bill splitters from other cultures, it ensures that nobody is put under an obligation.

IN A NUTSHELL: Mealtimes

GLOBAL BUSINESS STANDARDS

Usually the person who has issued the invitation pays for everyone (but see Russia).

Some business acquaintances in countries with a strong tradition of hospitality may insist on always paying the bill (especially if you are a woman ). If you wish to pay for the meal, speak to the manager of the restaurant when making reservations and arrange for the bill to be sent to you.

EUROPEAN STANDARDS

Knives and forks are held in right and left hands, respectively, and stay there throughout the meal.

A service charge is usually included in the bill, but a small additional amount may be left for really good service. (See Letter 60.)

MUSLIM STANDARD

Avoid using the unclean left hand when eating or passing someone food or any other article.

GLOBAL WARNING

Whether to discuss business during mealtimes is a tricky point. You can introduce business tactfully toward the end of the meal. If your dining partner joins in enthusiastically, fine. If not, drop the subject until you are back at the office.

Argentina: Evening meals are eaten later than is usual in the U.S., Northern Europe, and Asia. Breakfast meetings are a rarity. (See Letters 63 and 66.)
Australia: Tea may be either afternoon tea, a light meal at 4:00 or 5:00 P.M., or high tea, a more substantial meal at the end of the working day. It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays.
Austria: Breakfast meetings are rare. People arrive punctually for meals rather than fashionably late. Evening meals are earlier than in many other countries (approximately 6:00 to 8:00 P.M.). Guten Appetit is said at beginning of every midday and evening meal. (See Letter 63.)
Belgium: Keep your hands on the table, not under it, during the meal. Business lunches are more common than dinners.
Brazil: Evening meals are eaten later than is usual in the U.S., Northern Europe, and Asia. (See Letters 63, 65, and 66.)
Canada: Most business entertaining is done over lunch, and sometimes over breakfast. It is less popular to engage in after-hours entertainment because it might interfere with private or family time. Evening meals are earlier than in many other countries (approximately 6:00 to 8:00 P.M.).
China: Formal banquets are an accepted way of entertaining visitors. Diners often choose and share from several smaller dishes served simultaneously . Chopsticks are universally used. It is acceptable to make slurping noise when drinking soup. Tipping is not customary. If you use a toothpick, cover your mouth with your with hand. (See Letters 59, 60, 62, and 65.)
Denmark: Work starts early, so breakfast meetings are acceptable. It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays.
Finland: See Denmark. (See Letter 63.)
France: Long lunches are taken seriously and considered as a way of getting to know each other. Bon appetit is said at beginning of every midday and evening meal. (See Letter 61.)
Germany: (See Letters 63 and 65.)
Hong Kong: See China.
India: Diners often choose and share from several smaller dishes served simultaneously. Forks and spoons are the most usual cutlery (knife and fork in Western restaurants). At informal meals, people may eat with fingers only.
Indonesia: Evening entertaining is more popular than lunches. Forks and spoons are usually used. If you use a toothpick, cover your mouth with your hand.
Italy: Evening meals are eaten later than is common in the U.S., Northern Europe, or Asia. Use your fork and knife to eat fruit and cheese, which are common desserts. (See Letters 61, 63, 64, and66.)
Japan: Tipping is not customary. Western-style cutlery is not common. (See Letters 59, 64, and 65.)
Mexico: Evening meals are eaten later than is common in the U.S., Northern Europe, or Asia. (See Letters 63 and 66.)
Netherlands: It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays. (See Letter 66.)
Norway: It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays. There is very limited nightlife outside big hotels. (See Letter 63.)
Poland: Breakfast meetings are rare. Lunch can be as late as 4:00 or 5:00 P.M. (See Letter 63.)
Russia: Meals are important for building relationships and give time for conversation. Even if invited out by a Russian contact, demonstrate a desire to pay for the meal (they can be expensive). Most business- related meals take place in the evenings and are often accompanied by alcohol and visits to bars or nightclubs.
Saudi Arabia: When inviting Saudis, be sure to ask several times if they would like to join you, as they consider it polite to decline the offer at least once before accepting. People are likely to arrive for meals half an hour to forty-five minutes after the stated time. (See Letter 66.)
South Africa: Tea may be either afternoon tea, a light meal at 4:00 or 5:00 P.M., or high tea, a more substantial meal at the end of the working day.
South Korea: Evening meals are earlier than in many other countries (approximately 6:00 to 8:00 P.M.). Avoid holding your rice bowl near your mouth and scooping food into your mouth with your chopsticks. While this is acceptable in other parts of Asia, it is considered impolite in South Korea.
Spain: Evening meals are eaten very late. Breakfast meetings are a rarity. (See Letters 61, 63, and 66.)
Sweden: Breakfast meetings are acceptable. It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays. (See Letters 60, 61, 63, and 66.)
Switzerland: When cheese, fruit, and sandwiches are served, in most cases you should use cutlery, even if you are accustomed to eating the offered food with your fingers in your home country.
Taiwan: See China.
Thailand: Thais typically eat with a fork and a spoon. Food is often shared from plates set in the middle of the table. Avoid helping yourself to the last bit of food in a serving dish. If it is offered to you, it is best to refuse it the first time, then accept it if asked again.
Turkey: Turks may smoke between courses and use toothpicks. If you use a toothpick, cover your mouth with your hand. (See Letters 63 and 66.)
UK: Tea may be either afternoon tea, a light meal at 4:00 or 5:00 P.M., or high tea, a more substantial meal at the end of the working day. It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays. Drink soup by moving the spoon away from your body. (See Letters 60, 63, and 66.)
US: Snacking (eating small amounts at irregular times) is a national custom. People often eat lunch at their desks. It is common for friends to split the bill. In business, the host pays. Evening meals are earlier than in many other countries (approximately 6:00 to 8:00 P.M.). Business is often discussed during meals. It is important to leave a tip of between 15 and 20 percent. (See Letters 65 and 66.)
Venezuela: Evening meals are eaten later than is common in the U.S., Northern Europe, or Asia. Three-hour lunches are not uncommon. (See Letters 63 and 66.)