Us, Not Them

In building his rapport with the subject, a hostage negotiator has created an “us” working on a problem together. If there’s a “them,” it’s the commander—the guy who’s making the decision—and the ninjas with the guns, who represent the alternative to the decision. When we look at that last difficult issue facing us, we’re working on it together.

Look, I don’t own the guy’s problems, just like he doesn’t own mine. (Though there have been a few situations where I was tempted to trade, believe it or not.) But they’re tangential to the issue of his surrendering. They may help—maybe he can start to deal with his problems after he surrenders, goes to counseling, gets a better divorce lawyer, whatever. During the negotiations, we’re focused on the issue; his problems—or needs—are of interest in working on that issue.

And we can always work it out together.

Given that you can adopt this kind of attitude in the most hostile situation imaginable, you know it’s possible in a business situation. Successful negotiators try to arrange solutions for the difficult issues that are win-win. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that both sides get everything they want, or even are 100 percent happy. But if the negotiators can meet each other’s needs by working on those difficult issues together, they have a basis to close the deal.