Demands: A Dirty Word

Demands is a very ugly word. It makes rational people act irrationally.

Don’t believe me? Go into a store and yell, “I demand satisfaction!” and notice how many different shades the salespeople’s faces turn.

Then go down to the other end of the mall and say, “Can you help me?” and see if there’s a difference.

Most negotiators realize that the word demand is too loaded to use in a serious negotiation. That doesn’t mean they won’t present them. They’ll use words that are easier to take, like wants or needs or even points or items. As a general rule, the more neutral the term you use to outline your position, the better off you are. Hostage negotiators generally present their own position passively: as a reaction to what the other guy does. We don’t have demands, but we do have non-negotiable points:

• The hostage taker never gets a gun.

• We never add to the hostages.

• We never release people who are in jail or otherwise in legal custody.

As a general rule, we make these positions known as we answer requests by the subject. Which psychologically makes them easier for the other side to discuss. Not necessarily to accept, of course, but at least to discuss.