When Is a Question the Answer?

"One of the biggest disappointments in life is an unmet expectation," says communications consultant and 'guru of questions' (author of The 7 Powers of Questions) Dorothy Leeds. "So if you want to know what others expect of you, you have to ask.

"For instance, if your boss says, 'I hope that you do a better job on your next report,' ask a clarifying question. You might say, 'Can you explain specifically what you mean by 'better'?' That way you both agree on what is expected of you. The better you clarify what the expectations are, the greater your chances are of meeting them successfully."

There are three important points to remember when asking questions and they are actually questions to ask yourself:

• What do I hope to accomplish with this question? If you stop to think a little before you ask a question, you're more likely to get the information you really want or need. A question such as, "How was work today?" will probably get you this answer, "Fine." Think about the answer you might get to a question such as, "What was the most annoying thing that happened at work today?"

• Who am I asking? Is this someone who gets annoyed if you press for information? Is it someone who needs to be 'schmoozed' a bit before they open up? Or is it someone who prefers to get right to the point, with no unnecessary conversation? If you ask a coworker for help and start off with "How was your weekend?" you probably won't get what you want.

• How can I word the question to my best advantage? The other night, for instance, someone asked me briskly, "Why did you do that?" Immediately, I was taken aback. If that person had said, "Can you explain how you came to that conclusion?" or if she had softened her tone and changed the words, I wouldn't have felt so defensive.

"Relationships are based on the ways we communicate, verbally and non-verbally," says Leeds. "You're attracted to someone by what they give off, how they look at you, how they speak. That's all part of communication. When building a relationship, you should be focused on learning about the other person. And you do that by questioning and listening."

I never learn anything talking. I only learn things when I ask questions.

—Lou Holtz,
former Notre Dame football coach