Anger at Work | How to Shine at Work

It seems that we, as a society, are far angrier than we used to be. A study released recently indicated that nearly 25 percent of American workers often feel “underground chronic anger” on the job, not only because of heavy workloads, but because they feel betrayed or let down by their employers. While anger is a healthy, natural emotion, the distressing reality is that we often see anger expressed through explosive behavior and violence—on the road, in schools, in domestic situations, and at the office. The problem is not anger itself; the problem is the way we express—or mismanage—it.

The Three Big Uglies

Displays of anger can take just about any form, from tears to tantrums, yet in the workplace we actually see only a select few of the possible manifestations. The Three Big Uglies, listed here, are most typically seen in a corporate or office setting. Do you recognize either yourself or your coworkers?

Do you blow up at people, threaten, shout or swear, blame others, or break things? If so, you may be showing your need to assert your power over others, you may have a need to be “right,” or you may not know how to communicate when you are angry.
1. If you work with someone who is violent and threatening, verbally or physically, report it to your management or human resources representative. This type of anger is inappropriate in any setting, and it may possibly be dangerous. If your coworker yells, throws things, or blames and verbally bashes you, set a boundary for that person, and let him or her know that you will not tolerate this behavior.
  
  Boundary setting has two steps:
  - You decide where your personal borders are, and when to enforce them. Establish a list of the behaviors that you will not tolerate.
    
    Most of us find it easy to enforce a boundary to protect ourselves from physical harm; for example, “You may not hit me.” Developing strong workplace boundaries around anger might also include
    
    “You may not yell at me.”
    
    “You are not allowed to criticize or make fun of me.”
  - Enforce the boundary. This can be tricky—you must not extend a boundary when you are already angry. Following the process for enforcing boundaries from Chapter 2, you would inform, request, instruct, or leave. When you find that a coworker is close to the point of explosion, to enforce your “no yelling” boundary, you might start with inform: “Julie, did you notice that you’re starting to raise your voice?”
    
    If that does not slow the anger machine, move on to request: “Julie, I’m not comfortable with your yelling at me—can we take a deep breath and start this conversation over?”
    
    If Julie maintains her loud and angry style, move on to instruct: “I do not allow people to yell at me. Please change your tone, or we can continue this conversation another time.”
    
    Finally, if necessary, leave: “I am sorry you are so angry. Since this seems to be a bad time for you, let’s get back together when you are ready to talk.”
    
    Setting and enforcing boundaries is simply a process of making those who were unaware of your preferences fully informed of them. As you begin to enforce your boundaries, you will notice a change in the behavior of others toward you, and in the way you think about yourself.
2. If you display your anger in this way, review your personal needs from Chapter 1 and create a strategy to get those needs met. Also, commit to improving your personal standards of behavior, and strengthen your boundaries around how others treat you.
  
  If you find that anger is difficult for you to manage on your own, you may have some unresolved issues that are in need of healing—consider working with a therapist or counselor on some anger management techniques. Your employer’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) will have a list of qualified therapists, or you can contact your health insurance provider for a recommendation. You might also try community services agencies that offer qualified therapists on a sliding financial scale to those in need of healing, so that this service is affordable by everyone. These services will help you learn how to manage your anger.
Are you belligerent or overly critical? Do you finger-point, name-call, use sarcasm, or create or spread malicious gossip? If so, you are exhibiting the most common form of workplace anger—yet it is still inappropriate.
1. If you work with someone who behaves this way, create strong boundaries around how you will allow him or her to treat you (see Chapter 2). That way, when an individual tries to assuage his or her anger by belittling you, you can put a stop to it.
2. If you are the aggressive critic, your tendencies may be due to either weak standards of personal behavior or unmet needs (see Chapters 1 and 2). Identify your triggers, and set your boundaries accordingly.
Do you withdraw emotionally, give people the “silent treatment,” play martyr or victim followed by a temper tantrum, or deny your anger? If so, you may be exhibiting traits of passive-aggressive anger. People with these tendencies often believe that they do not have the right to be angry, believe that anger is inappropriate or childish, believe that they will be disliked if they are angry, or just fear that they may offend someone with their anger.
1. If you work with someone who displays passive-aggressive anger tendencies that affect you directly, talk it out with that person. Let the person know how this behavior affects your work, and ask the person how you can help him or her discuss his or her dissatisfaction or disappointment in a more productive way.
2. If you are aware that you display passive-aggressive tendencies, take stock and regroup. Speak directly with the appropriate person (the trigger). Remain calm, focus on the person’s behavior by using “I” statements (“I feel angry when X”), stick to the subject at hand, and allow for open discussion. This is managing anger. To do this in a healthy way, we must realize that anger is a basic and normal emotion, and that when we are angry, we are just solving a problem by demonstrating the difference between assertively handling an angry situation and aggressively handling an angry situation.

Any of the Three Big Uglies requires development of stronger standards for our own behavior, enforcement of stronger boundaries for how others are allowed to treat us, and identification and satisfaction of unmet needs (see Chapters 1 and 2).

Managing Anger

Managing anger is a skill that takes practice. Is there a pattern here? Are there specific triggers, either internal or external, that result in your anger? An internal trigger may be a belief that “I must always be right,” which requires a reassessment and realignment of your personal beliefs and standards. An external trigger may be your colleague’s constant whining or complaining, which will be eliminated through setting—and enforcing—strong boundaries.

We know that mismanaged anger causes stress, conflict, violence, and self-destructive behaviors that can destroy careers, reputations, relationships—and lives. A key for all of us, both personally and professionally, is to identify our anger triggers, identify how deeply we feel anger, and determine how in control (or out of control) we feel when we are angered. Then we can learn the skills that we require if we are to manage our anger. The following process is designed to help you manage your anger:

Identify what it is that ticks you off, especially identifying any pattern. Build your sense of awareness by asking yourself the following questions:
1. What am I angry about? When was the last time I got angry? (Alternatively: On what issue, or with whom, do I most often become angry?)
2. Just before I reacted in anger, what was I feeling? Did I feel provoked, fed up, fearful, or ________?
3. How did I react? Was my anger in proportion to the event that triggered it?
4. When have I felt this way before, and what did I do about it then?
  
  To help clarify this Q & A process, let’s review Colleen’s pattern of anger. Colleen is a customer service representative who is working on a team of service and support people. For the umpteenth time, her support person, Pam, did not make a requested deadline, and Colleen’s report to the vice president of operations is going to be late.
  
  Colleen responded to the anger identification questions in this way:
5. I am angry that Pam made me look like a slacker. The last time I was angry was the last time Pam dropped the ball.
6. I was feeling frustrated. She always does this to me! Her work is consistently slow and late. And, since she doesn’t report to me, I have no control over her, so I was feeling like a victim of her poor work habits. And I felt ashamed to have to deliver my report to the VP late. Again.
7. I reacted by raising my voice (not quite yelling, but definitely letting her hear my anger), and maybe I was sarcastic. I told her to get her act together, and everyone within earshot heard me tell her off. I was really mad—it seemed reasonable at the time, but looking back, I went a little overboard.
8. The last time I was this angry was the last time Pam did this. I yelled at her then, too, but she still is late with my work.
The next step is to eliminate as many of the possible triggers for your anger as you can. For example, set boundaries around the anger pattern that evolves. In Colleen’s case, she needed to set a boundary around the work assignments given to Pam.
1. Since Pam was consistently late, Colleen set her work deadlines 2 to 3 days ahead of the actual due dates. That way, if Pam continued to be late in delivering her work, Colleen would still have a cushion.
2. In a quiet moment, Colleen asked Pam to provide a daily update, by email, of her progress on Colleen’s work, including an estimated time of completion. Pam agreed to let Colleen know when she was behind in her work, so that Colleen could, if necessary, make other arrangements. This boundary removed the probability of a last-minute scramble when Pam was unable to complete her work on time, and it provided Colleen with a system for documenting a performance issue.
While you are eliminating your anger triggers, review your needs list from Chapter 1. Often the issues that push your buttons are tied to your needs, and those issues can be identified and eliminated.
Remember, when you are setting and enforcing strong boundaries, develop stronger standards for your own behavior.

Colleen’s standards for her own behavior, including the way she deals with her own anger, needed upgrading. Colleen’s anger pattern was largely passive-aggressive (victim behavior, followed by a temper tantrum).

The process of managing your anger through boundary setting works well for those with occasional angry reactions. Setting strong boundaries also works well when your coworkers become extremely angry, as seen in Chapter 2 (Ron’s speaking with his Bully boss). However, there are some types of deep-seated chronic anger that require the past-to-present issue resolution approach of a therapist rather than the problem-solving, present-to-future approach of a coach. Give yourself the time and space to learn the new skill of managing your anger—and if you find you need some assistance, ask for it. Learning to manage anger, both yours and that of your coworkers, is another way to build better relationships, develop a strong reputation, and control your career.