Relationship Issues

Failure to establish rapport

In general, if two people do not ‘click' within the first two meetings, the relationship is unlikely to develop the depth of trust and mutual confidence that allows mentor and mentee to address intimate issues. Having a clear developmental goal to work on (ie the mentee's learning, support or career needs) provides a significant boost to the rapport-building process - if only because it provides a clear, shared point of reference and interest. You can learn to value, like and respect someone relatively easily if you work with him or her on something that is important to you.

The reality is, however, that some relationships are not going to work. For example, a middle-aged engineer found he simply could not develop rapport with a highly assertive young woman graduate. Part of the problem, he admitted, was that he kept slipping back into behavioural routines he had developed with his daughter, who was of a similar age and temperament. These routines typically involved a lot of telling and a fair amount of shouting. This was potentially an ideal opportunity for some reverse mentoring, in which he would have learned from the graduate how to understand his daughter's perspective, but he decided to withdraw from the programme altogether.

Rapport demands that both parties share or at least acknowledge the validity of each other's values. In the absence of this consensus it is always better to dissolve the relationship and help the mentee find someone with whom he or she is more compatible.

Lack of time

All mentoring relationships suffer from time and diary pressures - in every survey of mentoring problems I have seen, time is one of the top three issues. By definition, people who have the most wisdom to pass on are likely to be among the busiest. Mentees may also be drawn from among ambitious groups of people who are themselves working long hours. Yet both mentors and mentees typically do find the time.

In general, it seems, the people who do not make the time are those who do not have the commitment and who do not get a buzz out of reflective dialogue and increasing self-knowledge. Other people find ways around the problem - for example, by developing a rolling three-meeting schedule so that a change of date one month does not lead to diary drift the next.

Sometimes what looks like a dead relationship is simply suffering from an overwhelming demand on the mentor's time. In a multinational telecom company, one of a batch of international cross-border relationships had got nowhere after four months. The mentee had chased the mentor frequently, but had only received short e-mails in reply. Then, on the day of a review session, the mentee reported enthusiastically that he had at last spent some telephone time with his mentor, who apologised profusely and explained he had been moved suddenly to take up a major post in another country. Now that he was settled in, however, he was determined to make the relationship work and would fly to Europe in a week or so specifically to hold the first formal meeting.

Clarity of relationship purpose

If mentor and mentee do not agree fairly quickly on some goals that the mentee would like to achieve and on which the mentor can help, the relationship will swiftly drive into the sand. It does not matter that the goals change over time - the sense of purpose drives the frequency of meetings and the focus on real issues.

Expecting too much of each other

For either the mentor or the mentee to bring a set of unrealistic expectations to the relationship is unlikely to be helpful. In theory, the initial discussions and psychological contract should clarify expectations at all levels. But poor mentors often fail to carry the process through. For example, according to Katherine Kram (1983), when the mentee realises the mentor is unable to transform his or her career, the mentee may feel resentful and betrayed.

Mentees must be realistic from the beginning, she says. They should not expect the relationship to meet every need, nor for it to continue indefinitely. ‘Mentors provide different degrees of mentoring, and the mentee should accept this, ' she maintains.

Some mentors cross a fine line too easily between exhibiting confidence in a mentee and expecting too much. One young executive was forced to leave his job because of the unbearable pressure his mentor unknowingly placed upon him. He explains:

He seemed to think I could do anything that he asked me to do. Eventually it got to the stage where I was terrified he would discover I was not a whiz kid and was in fact quite average. My position was made so unbearable by my mentor that I decided to quit.

Had his mentor directed him towards additional training in key areas, he might well have gained the confidence to cope.

Allowing dependency to develop

Primarily an issue for sponsorship mentoring, dependency is unhealthy for both parties. Kram (1983) provides the example of a divisional manager who wished to move to headquarters and could not understand why the company was so reluctant to transfer him:

I begged the powers that be to move me, yet they refused to alter their position. I was mystified until a colleague told me that my mentor had insisted that I was not ready for the move. The only thing I could do was to make it clear to him that I was grateful for all the help he had given my career, yet nevertheless I was determined to move on - or move out. He denied any involvement, but a month later I was transferred. The evidence seemed to speak for itself.

Problems with other people

The literature on mentoring contains a variety of references to problems with spouses, line managers and working colleagues. Most of these can be avoided by being very open about the relationship.

Problems with spouses tend to be most common with mixed-gender mentoring relationships, for obvious reasons. These relationships can also generate malicious gossip. Experienced mentors avoid these problems by having a number of mentees of both sexes and by holding meetings relatively publicly.

Problems with line managers occur most often when the line manager feels threatened. Is the mentee badmouthing him or her to someone more senior? Is the mentor - perhaps from the best of motives - using his or her position of greater seniority to give the mentee developmental tasks that prevent the mentee from spending essential time on line responsibilities? The potential for conflict is substantial, yet most organisations avoid it.

Some, such as BP Chemicals, involve the line manager to the extent of taking the mentee to meet the mentor for the first time. Others ensure that mentors and line managers are fully briefed about their respective roles.

A lot of problems with other employees can be overcome by providing clear briefings about the nature of mentoring and how it fits into the portfolio of development opportunities. A pilot programme should always be marketed as such, with a clear statement that if it is successful, it will be rolled out to as many other groups as possible. (That gives everyone who is envious a reason to help make the scheme work!)