GUIDELINES TO MANAGING EMOTIONAL TERRORISM | Emotional Terrors in the Workplace: Protecting Your Business Bottom Line - Emotional Continuity Management in the Workplace

If you have become aware, or been made aware that someone under your management is an Emotional Terrorist it may become eventually necessary for you to interact with the individual. These are guidelines, not rules or laws of the Universe. In other words, you will have to find your own way through this process using your style, within the context of the situation, and the dimensions of your company and industry. The interview process below offers some good suggestions as to how to avoid obvious pitfalls and traps of working with someone who does not follow the same guidelines as you do. Being clear about what you are doing, where you are going, and how you are going about it, will give you the upper hand; the sense of presence necessary to manage someone who is cunning, baffling, tricky, subtle, upset, chaotic , manipulative, angry , frightened, controlling, or in some rare cases just plain "evil."

Remember that the goal is usually to keep this person employed and employable. Remember that the snake in the bucket can be a good snake or a bad snake if the lid is efficient. You may be the first person to ever contain and lid an Emotional Terrorist. They usually don't like that. However, the good news is that some Emotional Terrorists internally long for boundary settings from someone, and settle right down into very compliant participants . This is the best-case scenario and one you should have forefront in your mind as the process unfolds. Plan for the worst, but expect the best is a good beginning. Using a bit of humor, you might think of yourself as an animal trainer who likes the critter, but doesn't want it to chew up your slippers. You may not need to train, punish or eliminate the beast . The simple act of you taking your hierarchical authority and letting the Emotional Terrorist know that you are the alpha leader of the pack may settle things down immediately. Sometimes the challenge for control or power can be easily dissolved with a silent presence that originates from a feeling that is fearless. How many times have you heard the expressions, "never let them see you sweat," or "they can smell your fear?" This is true with Emotional Terrorists as well. You absolutely need to understand your own bottom line, your own strengths, your weaknesses, use your own support systems, and have a deep abiding faith in that system. Emotionally it is impossible to be in fear and in faith at the same time. Therefore, you must be on top of your own faith-game to walk into a situation fearlessly. Ask yourself the following questions before you begin:

In What do You Have Faith?

Your company policy
Your industry standards
Your training
Your credentials
Your authority
Your information
The hierarchy, chain of command
Your interview skills
Your team
Your exit strategy
Your listening and evaluating skills
Your own intelligence
Your own ability to discern truth
Your intuition
The information given you by a witness
Data
Observations
Hunches
Experience
Your bosses
Your mission
Your imagination
Your people
Your God or Higher Power
Your resume is current
That people are generally good
That even Emotional Terrorists can adjust
That no matter what you do you are home after work and safe
That if you do not know what to do, you have good resources to aid you

Once you have faith in something, you will not as easily slip into fear. Of course, if you survived the Titanic, you might not have absolute faith in boats and find yourself slightly hesitant to get in another boat. In the same way, if you have come up against an Emotional Terrorist in your past, you might wonder if the effort to deal with all of this management process is worth the work. Although this is a valid thought, it is also a doorway to fear. This is why it is essential throughout the process of managing to decide and re-decide if you truly want to be a manager. If you do not have faith in your decision to manage, you will not operate from a position of strength. Emotional Terrorists smell your fear and will dive deep into that fear with a variety of unique or custom-designed Gotchas.

Case Example

Wendy, the manager, was ready to deal with the Emotional Terrorist in her department. Lou, who had created turmoil for weeks, was sitting in a chair in her office. Before the meeting, Wendy had called her mentor for support, taken some deep breaths, had a moment to walk outdoors and relax, and she was now on top of her game. Before she was able to start the procedure of redirecting Lou's energies, he said, "I suppose you're going to discipline me for complaining." A year before her training, Wendy thought, she would have fallen for that Gotcha and responded, thus losing her position. Today she had faith in her capacity to not be unbalanced, and made a neutral sound, "Oh" and moved on with her agenda.

Learning Byte

Wendy knew that if she responded with a defense or attack that she was lost. If she tried to control his Gotcha she was lost. If she ignored it totally, he would still have gained ground, because it would have been seen as a success. Responding with a neutral "oh" gave her the power in the moment. She began her interview from a strong position so she could control the flow of the conversation. Thus, totally discounting any value in Lou's emotions or words, Wendy ran the show.

DO THIS : Remain calm in the presence of an Emotional Terrorist. Remember that you are the good guy. Do your best!

DON'T : Worry if you feel shaky or get tricked. Remember, these men and women are well practiced at this. Don't forget that it isn't about you. You are just the Victim du Jour.

Managing an Emotional Terrorist

Management and Terrorism have a number of common denominators. The words include concepts and actions. Both words imply that there are rules and policies to follow, work within specific procedural activity formats, a level of predictability, and consequences that affect others. What is different about the two is that most managers, unless they are terrorists themselves , work inside the lines. The respect authority, work within the chain of command, operate through guidelines and principles, and adhere to generally accepted norms. Terrorists count on this and employ their imaginations to work within and around all these normative boundaries.

A story from a manager of a small company brings this difference to light as she was trying to out-think an Emotional Terrorist in her workplace. She had been working with other managers for months trying to teach them the necessity of creative management of difficult employees , and during a spin-free workplace consultation came up with a way to teach the value of "out-thinking" the problem makers and managing Emotional Terrorists.

Case Example

Delores was a senior manager in a private school. One early spring morning a staff member came running into her office reporting that there was a big snake in the schoolyard. Delores quickly assessed, to her discomfort, that as a manager it might indeed be her responsibility to remove the snake to protect the children and staff. So, she proceeded to go out into the field with an ax. Just as she was about to destroy the snake, she felt dozens of little eyes and big eyes on the back of her head. She turned around to see little noses pressed against windows and staff faces with worried expressions. They were all wondering what she was going to do with that snake! Delaying her initial organic disgust of snakes , she stopped her homicidal intent, returned to the school, got a bucket, and proceeded to go through the emotional and physically difficult challenge of catching the snake alive . She wanted to do it without causing the children or staff to be unduly upset and without doing harm to her self. To her surprise, she no longer wanted to actually harm the snake. She just needed this threat gone. She succeeded, with some help from another brave staff member. This strategy later became a written policy, the 'Snakes in the Schoolyard' Policy.

Snakes In The Schoolyard Policy:

At least two (2) employees with gloves approach the snake. Snakes squirm toward the easiest direction to escape, the path of least resistance. With two people, the snake has no escape route. The snake catchers must not fear snakes. But gloves are required for better performance.
Whichever employee grabs the snake must immediately toss it into a bucket with a lid. One of the employees must then immediately secure the lid. The real trick to Snake Removal is the lid. Without the lid, the snake escapes and you must do it again. Spending your time catching the same snake over and over is not efficient and is not good business practice.
Once you contain the snake you must take it into the school, let the children see that it is not hurt. Because children have imaginations and like to see even crawly things cared for correctly.
Later, transport the snake elsewhere, off the premises, a long way away from where you work, and dispose of it.
If the snake is Toxic, call in a professional.

Learning Byte

The Outcome? Generally, everyone is happy. Managers, staff, the children, and if done well, even the snake. The manager did disclose privately, "Of course, you know, Dr. Vali, that if this type of snake came to my house, I'd just chop its head off, but workplace snakes are different." With that comment, the manager had the concept of how to manage a workplace terrorist. She removed the word snake from the policy and developed a procedure for her team that they understood . The company had recently been challenged by a workplace Emotional Terrorist in human form, and after the snake incident, the manager was able to show her staff how to protect the company, clients , themselves and even the Emotional Terrorist from being harmful .

DO THIS : Learn what snakes are toxic and what snakes are harmless.

DON'T : Assume that all snakes must be removed. Some snakes can do very well with micro-management if they have solid and well-defined boundaries (lids) .

Some Tips to Deal with Emotional Terrorists

Do the best you can
Trust your intuition, don't worry if no one else is noticing
Do not seek feedback from staff
Watch, wait, listen
Easy does it, time will reveal demonstrations
Don't take covert behaviors personally
Be confident and also seek support
Document tension levels and situations even if there is no external data
If you think something is going on, you might be right, so stay alert
Rest when you are able and practice good self care for surviving the long haul
Re-decide if you want to be a manager and re- group your energies and resources
Continue with other projects and stay awake

Running a Meeting with an Emotional Terrorist

Although a certain amount of interaction with Emotional Terrorists has a hidden or covert nature, there are also times that you will have to be in direct contact with a known Emotional Terrorist in your office. If you have determined that an employee is an Emotional Terrorist, you can proceed to manage them by paying attention to a few careful steps to avoid falling into their control.

Set up a meeting with nonnegotiable times in your power place
Stay neutral
Be clear and firm; do not let the Emotional Terrorist call the shots
Have a witness, or note-taker present
Demand clear boundaries. If the employee is more than five minutes late for any reason courteously cancel that meeting and reschedule a new one at your convenience.
If the employee has an emotional reaction to your boundary, stay firm and courteous, and make a notation of their reaction if it is verbal or nonverbal
Be courteous and business-like throughout the meeting
Make certain the environment is businesslike, and seating is hierarchical
No food or snacks, this is not "friendly" ” this is business
Begin with the issues at hand
Do not allow discussion until you are done with meeting agenda
Listen and take notes, but do not engage in a discussion
Remain neutral. Make notes on your emotions and deal with them at a later time and well removed from the Emotional Terrorist
Avoid questions. Approach all questions as if they were hand grenades with the pins already removed
Do not defend, attack, or make personal comments
Do not share your personal opinions
Do not praise or support
Keep it neutral and business only
If the tension rises or the meeting becomes emotional, or the Emotional Terrorist gains any ground, take a five-minute break, and start over or cancel the meeting and reschedule on your terms.
Close the meeting with a "thank you" by standing up and formally eliminating any opportunity to continue with emotionally loaded comments. If there are lingering statements, comments, attacks, defenses, or trailing comments, repeat the thank you as a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence . Repeat as often as needed to close the meeting courteously. If absolutely necessary, repeat the words "thank you" in a neutral tone as you are opening the office door and indicating that it is over, and time to leave.

Become an Expert in using Communication Models

Communication models are not one- size -fits-all. Finding a style that fits your personality is important to competency and confidence. Whether you study Rosenberg's model of "Non-Violent Communication," or your Grandmother-s "Be-Nice-to-Everyone" model, is up to you. There are styles that are more functional at the workplace, especially when dealing with difficult people, bullies, jerks and Emotional Terrorists. One such model, described in the tool section of this book, is called the Drama Triangle . Stephen Karpman created a model of communication within a psychological model called transactional analysis that efficiently removes the power plays from any interaction. If you see an interaction a bit like a game model, the three roles in the Drama Triangle would be victim , persecutor and rescuer . Taking on any of these roles is a dangerous position. As the roles shift quickly from one to another, anyone playing this game will be caught in a veritable unending spiral of emotional conflict. Moving away from any of these three roles will lead to neutrality and a position of clarity that will move any discussion away from emotional content to business content.