HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES

A boundary is a real or perceived edge, limit or border between yourself and someone else. The boundary can be physical such as a fence, wall, or cubicle . It can be emotional, such as not sharing a personal story, or mental, as in protecting your intellectual properties. A boundary can be spiritual in the sense that you can allow someone to share a religious opinion, or not. We place boundaries to protect and enhance our lives. Boundaries can frame good art or keep an invasion from your sacred ground. When you give someone a boundary it is quite reasonable for them to ask if you meant it. If you repeat your boundary one more time, clearly, calmly, and sincerely, a healthy person will accept that as your truth and not press forward, risking a potential crossing of your boundary. If the person asks again, and they are told no, they should move on and accept no as meaning no. When a boundary is not accepted after three clear messages, it is possible you are dealing with a dysfunctional or a pathological employee. This is an excellent early warning sign for spin potential.

When boundary-crossing behavior continues it is important to give another quiet and clear message to establish the firm reality of the boundary. Establishing a boundary more clearly does not mean louder . Clearer means being very specific and simple. There should be no need for detail or explanation. No means no. If the demands or behaviors escalate you may need help in getting your message across. This can be a good time to have a policy in place. For example, if an employee makes a personal advance and asks another employee on a date, and there is no policy against it, this is not necessarily a boundary crossing. It may be an exploration. It is not necessarily inappropriate to ask. However, if the answer is a clear "no," the exploration ends. The reply message requires neither violence nor volume. If it becomes more challenging or difficult to maintain or hold the boundary in place, this is significant information. The ease or difficulty in establishing clear boundaries demonstrates an indication of the agenda of the person crossing the boundary. The key to a verbal boundary is this: Yes means Yes, No means No , and Maybe means Maybe . The answer must not have a hidden giggle, nod of the head, or shake of the head that is incongruent with your words. If you don't know, say, I Don't Know, please get back to me later.

Case Example

Paul asked Erin out for a dinner date. Erin said "No, thank you." Paul was disappointed and quietly asked, "Are you sure?" Shelly replied, "This isn't a good time for me to go out." He said, "May I ask again another time?" Erin said, "Sure, in a few months, check back." Paul waited for five months before approaching Erin again. They went out to dinner and enjoyed themselves .

 

Case Example

Jerry asked Shelly out for a dinner date. Shelly said, "No, thank you." Jerry was disappointed and said, "Oh, come on Shelly, I know that Jim asked you out, but he's sort of dull. If you go out with me we'll have a ball!" Shelly replied, "Yes, Jim did ask me out, and I also told him that this isn't a good time for me to go out." Jerry replied, "What's the matter? Aren't I your type?" Shelly replied, "This isn't a good time in my life to go out with someone, but thanks anyway." Jerry escalated with, "Well, I'm not just anyone , come on Shelly, let's go out and have dinner, it'll be my treat if it's about the money!" Shelly said, "no, thank you." Jerry was angry now at being rejected. He walked away. The next afternoon Jerry approached Shelly with, "hey, are you free tonight? I have tickets to a movie." Shelly replied with, "No, thank you." Jerry came back in a few days with another invitation . Shelly replied, "No, thank you." Jerry asked Shelly, "Are you sleeping with Jim?" Shelly responded, "That isn't an appropriate question." She left the room. Jerry started a rumor that Shelly was having an affair with Jim and now was being cold and unfriendly to all the other people in the office. The rumor came back to Shelly after she inquired why people were not speaking to her. Shelly filed a harassment grievance and Jerry was terminated . The company spent thousands of dollars dealing with Jerry's boundary issue.