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| | | | | I Need No Introduction, Shirley! | | | | | |
| | | | | An Interjection: In Memoriamanensis | | | | | |
| | | | | Let Me Clearly State, Right off the Top | | | | | |
| | | | | The Maestro's Whereabouts | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 1: Why Do Most People Hate Modern Music?! | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 2: "What Is Modern, Anyways?" Queries Lucetta | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 3: Why Do Most People Prefer the Good Old Music of the Good Old (Dead) Composers? | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 4: Romanticism Boils up, and over, and Burns out | | | | | |
| | | | | Urgent News Flash! Beethovan A Modster! | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 5: Two Oddballs and One (Unknown) Insurance CEO | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 6: The Mother of Modern Music (with a Hitherto Unrevealed, Explosive and Shocking Revelation) | | | | | |
| | | | | Question: What the H___ Happened Circa 1900? | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 7: The Fertilizer Hits the Fan (12 Times) | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 8: The Night They Ripped the Seats out at The Four-Square Gospel Hall | | | | | |
| | | | | A Seemingly Unrelated Diversion (which isn't) The Boswell/Johnson Interchange and Its Modern Relevance | | | | | |
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| | | | | Chapter 11: Ellroy Frumppe's Shocking Contribution | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 12: The N.D.P Defends Weirdos | | | | | |
| | | | | An Essay: If Music Reflects the Times . . . What Times! | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 13: Control (and Worse) The Lack of It! | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 14: Quotes and the Kiss Principle | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 15: Pluralism Is Not Polygamy | | | | | |
| | | | | A Comment: Certain Asspecks (olde Eng. sp.) of Modern Music | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 16: The Listener's Guide: From OK to Wacky to Way-Out | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 17: Terms and Impression Makers for Intermission Chit-Chat | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 18: The Clothespegs of Modern Music 'Where to Hang It' | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 19: Music from Towns Other Than Chezlee, Ont, and Its Influence | | | | | |
| | | | | Pop-A-Doodle-Doo | | | | | |
| | | | | Chapter 20: Modern Music and the Animal Kingdom | | | | | |
| | | | | Bedsprings, Sopranos and Axes | | | | | |
| | | | | Musings from the Mustard Patch | | | | | |
| | | | | * Lucetta Lost Chapters 9 and 10 and is Still Looking for Them but I Couldn't Wait. | | | | |