Borderlines and Other Emotional Types

I avoid psychiatric jargon as a general rule, but let me throw an official personality disorder at you for discussion’s sake. The psychological profession has long known of—and usually tried to avoid—a type of person said to have “borderline personality disorder.” There’s a lot of controversy among counselors about the disorder and the diagnosis, but in general we’re talking about a person whose every interaction is a full-blown emotional crisis. They’re either way in love with someone or way in hate with them—and those extremes may be only five minutes apart. They seem agreeable to a fault on Monday, and find fault with everything including the spelling of your name on Tuesday.

Sound a little like your last girlfriend?

Borderline personalities are tough to deal with because their emotions are so far off the scale. Their actions and decisions are based on how they feel—not on their actual goals. A successful negotiator will therefore be aware of the person’s emotions, and focus on them. “How do you feel about point x-y-z?” works with that sort of person because how they feel is more important than the point itself.

The trick, though, is not to try to cure those emotions. Remember—you don’t own the other side’s problem, or his needs and values. You try to use them to work on the difficult issues that block the deal. Resolve the issues, get him out of the building, and let him fix his problems himself.