Putting Step 3 into Practice

Putting Step #3 into Practice

1. Step aside from problem solving. Instead, focus on issue finding. Don't let the rush to solve a problem distract you from uncovering the real issue. Allow enough time for the power of listening to work.

2. Ask all participants to express their thoughts and feelings in turn. Include feelings, dreams, and other concerns, because the real issues often reside at these deeper levels. Encourage group participants to express themselves without the need to edit their statements and without fear of ridicule from others.

3. Use "I" statements to avoid judging others. Express what you think or feel from your own perspective without making assumptions about other people's motivations. Instead of falling into the pattern of saying, "You [made me angry or caused a problem], say instead, "I [felt angry or noticed a result] when [something occurred]."

4. Listen without leaping to debate or solutions. Allow statements to be no more and no less than what they are—thoughts and feelings from someone's perspective. When participants take ownership of their thoughts and feelings and don't judge others, they can say almost anything without harming someone else.

5. Reflect back what you hear. Don't editorialize. Express the spirit of what someone says. Don't agree or disagree—just be a mirror. This will free you from having to evaluate or judge anyone's statements. If there are multiple participants, ask the next person to speak to do the reflecting before beginning his or her own statement. You want to be sure that everyone is listening rather than preparing a speech.

   You've probably encountered people who keep repeating the same message to the same people. When you listen clearly and completely to people and demonstrate that you have truly heard their message, you can break that cycle.

6. Ask the speaker whether you have accurately reflected what he or she wanted to say. Sometimes, what people say is not what they mean. In fact, some people discover what they think only as they speak. When you reflect back what you've heard, you give people an opportunity to modify or restate their perspectives.

7. Identify the underlying issue that the group needs to address now. Let the statements settle. Invite participants to express the themes they heard. The real issue will bubble to the top.

   BE AN AGENT OF HOPE

   Be a mirror, not a sponge. Many hard feelings arise and decision-making efforts derail because people absorb what they think others said and meant without checking it out first. It's much easier, more effective, and less painful to be a mirror rather than a sponge. Discover the real issue that needs immediate attention.