Self-awareness is the single most important factor in getting along in your career and your life. It is your ability to understand why you do what you do.
When you are self-aware, you know and understand yourself, including your own reactions; because of that, you tend to make better choices. Without self-awareness, you tend to repeat old patterns, ignore your intuition, and miss the clues and signals you get from others about the impact of your actions and your words.
When you are self-aware, you recognize the connection between what you feel and what you think, do, and say. Self-awareness is the dot-to-dot of your life—to complete the puzzle, you must understand that your emotions and your behaviors are related.
The dots you need to connect start with your own personal values (in addition to your skills and strengths). Since the term values is often used synonymously with needs, or wants, or priorities, let’s clarify the way the term is used here.
Things you want are things that you can do without; you may want a new car, but you can get along fine without it. You probably do not experience any behavioral changes if you do not get the things you want, but having them makes you happy.
Things you need are necessities. In addition to physiological needs (food, air, and water), we each have personal needs, perhaps to be loved, to be acknowledged, to be well regarded, or, as in Raj’s case, to control. When your needs are met, you are comfortable, and you are able to focus on your values. When your needs are not met, your behavior changes.
Things you value are events, activities, or preferences that you feel are significant, and that you have probably found interesting and fun throughout your entire lifetime. If your value is to create, you will be at your most energized and fulfilled when you are working in an environment that allows you to use your creativity. If your workplace does not honor your value to create, you may feel unfulfilled or bored, but it is unlikely that your behavior will change.
Raj chose to let his need overshadow his value. His need for control was so strong that when he received feedback, he forgot about the value he held in order to be an expert. His need was not met, and his behavior changed—that is, until he understood his needs and found methods to handle them outside of the workplace. Only then could he focus on his values.
What Is in Your Way? If there are situations in your career or your life that cause you to behave differently (to dig in your heels, get angry, hide, argue, or cry), take the time to complete this needs identification and elimination process for yourself. Use the Needs Worksheet (Exhibit 1-1) to identify, analyze, and manage your needs. Start by discovering what your needs are, then complete the Needs Analysis Form (Exhibit 1-2) for each need you have selected. Be honest with your needs identification, and be complete in your analysis of how your behavior changes when your need is not met.
Choose your top five needs from the following list, then go to the Needs Analysis Form (Exhibit 1-2) to identify how each affects your career and your life.
_____ Financial security | _____ To be safe |
_____ Perfection | _____ To be saved |
_____ Prosperity | _____ To be seen |
_____ To accommodate | _____ To be self-reliant |
_____ To achieve | _____ To be stable |
_____ To affect others | _____ To be strong |
_____ To be accepted | _____ To be taken care of |
_____ To be accurate | _____ To be thanked |
_____ To be acknowledged | _____ To be the center of attention |
_____ To be appreciated | _____ To be understood |
_____ To be approved | _____ To be useful |
_____ To be autonomous | _____ To be valued |
_____ To be busy | _____ To be well liked |
_____ To be calm | _____ To be well regarded |
_____ To be cared for | _____ To be worthy |
_____ To be clear | _____ To communicate |
_____ To be comfortable | _____ To control |
_____ To be commanding | _____ To correct others |
_____ To be deliberate | _____ To deliver results |
_____ To be devoted | _____ To demonstrate authority |
_____ To be encouraged | _____ To dominate |
_____ To be heard | _____ To follow |
_____ To be helped | _____ To get attention |
_____ To be helpful | _____ To give |
_____ To be honest | _____ To gossip |
_____ To be important | _____ To have a cause |
_____ To be included | _____ To have balance |
_____ To be independent | _____ To improve others |
_____ To be liked | _____ To influence others |
_____ To be loved | _____ To lead |
_____ To be loyal | _____ To please others |
_____ To be needed | _____ To prove myself to others |
_____ To be noticed | _____ To receive |
_____ To be obeyed | _____ To receive compliments |
_____ To be powerful | _____ To receive credit |
_____ To be praised | _____ To receive loyalty |
_____ To be respected | _____ To understand |
_____ To be right | ____________________ |
___________________ | ____________________ |
___________________ | ____________________ |
For each need selected from the Needs Identification List, complete the following worksheet.
Need # ___ _________________________________
I have noticed my need for this need in the following situations:
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
When my need for this need is met, I feel
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
When my need for this need is unmet, my behavior changes in the following ways:
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
While I’m focusing on getting this need met, I am unable to focus on these important values, strengths, and growth opportunities:
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
Why do I have this need? What “causes” it?
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
What are the costs to me of not having this need met (financial, emotional creative, etc.)?
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
What are the benefits to me (payoffs) of not having this need met(adrenaline rush, victim or martyr stuff, energy, ego, etc.)?
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
What will having this need met allow me to do?
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
What do I need to learn or in what way do I need to change or grow in order to get this need met? (List skills to learn, behaviors to shift, negative thoughts to eliminate.)
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
Who can help me meet this need (friend, mentor, coach, therapist, minister)? What do I need from each of these people? (List name and assignment.)
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
Now move on to the identification of your values, using the Values Worksheet (Exhibit 1-3). You will find that words will jump off the page at you—the start of values identification. Narrow your list down to five values, and for each, ask yourself,
Where in my life are these values honored?
What can I do to bring more of these values into my life and career?
Once you have identified your values, you will know what is important to you beyond your technical abilities. Once you have identified your needs, you will have a sense of the barriers you may experience in your workplace—or your personal life. This is the road to connecting the dots of self-awareness: discovering blind spots.
People who are self-aware know that they have weaknesses, and know that they may have difficulty seeing certain of their own weaknesses or limitations. If you believe that self-improvement is a good thing, then learning about how others perceive you is valuable.
Choose your top 10 values from the following list (or add your own to the list). You are your values, so take your time in selecting those that truly fit. Be honest, and choose only actual values (not things you want or need).
_____ Adventure | _____ To feel good |
_____ Danger | _____ To have fun |
_____ Excellence | _____ To have impact |
_____ Exhilaration | _____ To improve |
_____ Family | _____ To influence |
_____ Ingenuity | _____ To inform |
_____ Originality | _____ To inspire |
_____ The unknown | _____ To instruct |
_____ Thrill | _____ To invent |
_____ To accomplish | _____ To lead |
_____ To assist | _____ To learn |
_____ To attain | _____ To nurture |
_____ To attract | _____ To perceive |
_____ To be accepting | _____ To perfect |
_____ To be aware | _____ To persuade |
_____ To be connected | _____ To plan |
_____ To be expert | _____ To provide |
_____ To be part of the | _____ To relate community |
_____ To be passionate | _____ To relate with a higher power |
_____ To be sensitive | _____ To risk |
_____ To be spiritual | _____ To rule |
_____ To build | _____ To see |
_____ To cause | _____ To sense |
_____ To contribute | _____ To serve |
_____ To create | _____ To set standards |
_____ To design | _____ To show compassion |
_____ To detect | _____ To strengthen |
_____ To discover | _____ To support |
_____ To distinguish | _____ To teach |
_____ To educate | _____ To touch others |
_____ To encourage | _____ To unite |
_____ To energize | _____ To use imagination |
_____ To enlighten | _____ To win |
_____ To experience | _____ ______________ |
_____ To experiment | _____ ______________ |
_____ To feel | _____ ______________ |